Lorenzo Jensen III

“I get paid for toenail clippings and used socks.”

“My mother was part of Charles Manson’s ‘family.’”

“take notice it is a small room”

“Today, I f*cked up… by being a wiseass to a Canadian Border Agent…”

“Today, on the one-year anniversary of my boyfriend’s death, I decided it was time to clear his clothes out of our closet. In one of his coat pockets I found a diamond engagement ring…”

“What happens to your socks? Do you actually keep them on?”

“Walking into a Walmart is like visiting a different planet.”

I have had many unusual sexual experiences, mostly because I am an unusual man.

“They can do the helicopter thing with their manly parts.”

“When I was in 3rd grade, I found Polaroids of my parents getting down and dirty on their honeymoon.”

“The guy in the KKK costume rips off his mask and yells ‘I’m black, I’m black.’ He really was black.”

“Found a guy shot 8 times, died right there, shot through the eye and throat.”

“She kept talking about the man in black in the corner.”

“Replace the blood with liquid gold.”

“Make them all the same size. We’re all in this together, fellas.”

“I tell them that I like snuggling better than sex. It’s not true, but it always leads to sex.”

“It was like they where having a secret cat orgy or something.”

“The male prostate gland can help produce orgasms so intense, farmers who live two counties over from yours will hear you screaming in pleasure.”