Lorenzo Jensen III

“It was sheer passion. I had been stuck in a dead relationship for far too long.”

“Someone finally took an interest in me and made me feel beautiful, so I slept with him.”

“Stop eating our French fries. If you wanted fries you should have ordered some. I feel very strongly about this.”

“He was the creepiest person I ever met.”

“God, he is an asshole.”

“Apparently, a woman walked into his shop and asked him to tattoo a handicapped symbol right above her vagina.”

“He works in the food court, I work at a Fortune 500 company.”

“He left a dead rose in my mailbox after calling my house about 100 times.”

“She covered my dog in gasoline and set him on fire.”

“PMS cramps feel like you’re scraping the insides out of a pumpkin at Halloween.”

“If you are a woman, sleep without undies or PJs. You need to be airing out your Gigi whenever and wherever you can. So says my mom.”

“I feel like most girls don’t quite grasp how little society in general cares about the average man.”

“The mother of my daughter beat the living sh*t out of me because I asked her what skirt she wanted me to iron for the morning.”

“Just ask yourself if you’d want that girl back-to-back with you to fight off sharks.”

“‘Calm down.’ That’s a recipe for getting stabbed.”

“A small turtle, wedged up a woman’s vagina, was blinking at her.”

“I see an old dude with a van…That man’s name was Gary Michael Hilton, convicted of at least four murders….”

“On a bad day, it’s like a third armpit.”