Lorenzo Jensen III

“He left a dead rose in my mailbox after calling my house about 100 times.”

“She covered my dog in gasoline and set him on fire.”

“PMS cramps feel like you’re scraping the insides out of a pumpkin at Halloween.”

“If you are a woman, sleep without undies or PJs. You need to be airing out your Gigi whenever and wherever you can. So says my mom.”

“I feel like most girls don’t quite grasp how little society in general cares about the average man.”

“The mother of my daughter beat the living sh*t out of me because I asked her what skirt she wanted me to iron for the morning.”

“Just ask yourself if you’d want that girl back-to-back with you to fight off sharks.”

“‘Calm down.’ That’s a recipe for getting stabbed.”

“A small turtle, wedged up a woman’s vagina, was blinking at her.”

“I see an old dude with a van…That man’s name was Gary Michael Hilton, convicted of at least four murders….”

“On a bad day, it’s like a third armpit.”

“Never love someone so much you lose yourself in them.”

There’s a good reason you might want to stay away from Pisces, Virgos, and Geminis.

“Usually, when a guy says, ‘I’m a nice guy,’ that’s code for ‘I’m not a nice guy.’”

“Literally every girl checks out your package. You can usually see a bulge in the pants. We look. A lot.”

“You should never let a man touch your vagina if there’s even the slightest chance he could have hot sauce on his hands.”

Spank my ass so hard you leave a handprint.

“I once told a guy at a party that his personality was so disgusting it made me want to vomit. He didn’t believe me and continued to hit on me. So I voluntarily vomited on him just to get my point across.”