1. She’d sewed a raw chicken inside of herself in the hopes that it’d turn into a baby.
“Once had a doctor tell me of a case he took where one of his female patients was complaining about abdominal pain. After a thorough exam, he noticed a pungent aroma from…down there. Upon further inspection, she’d sewed a raw chicken inside of herself in the hopes that it’d turn into a baby….”
2. Two D-size batteries had exploded inside her vagina.
“A lady came in via ambulance. She was complaining of vaginal pain and bleeding and mentioned nothing else. Lo and behold when we started her pelvic exam the speculum revealed that she had two D-size batteries that had exploded inside of her. She was admitted with third-degree burns on her vaginal wall. She also came in two weeks later and her boyfriend had shoved car oil in her vagina.
3. A small turtle, wedged up a woman’s vagina, was blinking at her.
“A woman came into the ER complaining of strange discharge from her (you guessed it) vagina. So she was admitted and a male nurse saw to her. As a note, the male nurse was gay and was relatively flamboyant. Anyway, the woman had her legs hiked up, and the male nurse has his head under the blanket, looking at her hoo ha. But suddenly he jumped back, looking terrified. My friend, in a bout of good-natured ribbing, joked that the male nurse couldn’t be THAT afraid of women; but, then he looked at her, fear and confusion clouding his eyes, and said, ‘something blinked at me.’
My friend is bewildered and ducks under the blanket to see for herself. And sure enough, she saw something blinking. Something small, wedged up a woman’s vagina, was blinking at her.
I’m not sure what happened next, but it was a turtle. A tiny pet turtle. ‘Tad the vag turtle’ my friend called it. The woman, somehow, believed that her vagina was a more suitable ‘tank’ that which her turtle had been in and managed to wedge him up there.
And, before you ask, my friend didn’t know what happened to the turtle, and it still makes me sad to wonder if he went home with his owner.”
4. She’d had a large steak shoved up into her vagina for quite some time, and maggots were crawling out of her.
“I have a family member who is a surgical tech. She often has the best stories but this one has stuck with me for years.
A female PT came in complaining about severe abdominal pain. The nurses peeped the woman to have a vaginal check. When the doctor came in and lifted the sheet there where maggots crawling all over the bed. And we are not talking just a few…Long story short, this woman [had] a large steak shoved up into her vagina that had been there for quite some time. She was full of maggots. My family member never did find out why this chick shoved it up there. And I can’t look at steak without gagging.”
5. The woman’s nipple kept falling off.
“My cousin told me about a patient who complained about her nipple falling off all the time. She said she tried to glue it back on or use skincare creams to have it stick to her breast. Turns out she had (not sure what stage anymore, probably pretty bad) breast cancer.
From what I remember the tumor got so big that the breast-skin was stretched quite a bit. Somehow that plus friction lead to an open, not healing and oozing wound which extended to her nipple.. Well…
Nobody there understood how she didn’t go to a doctor or a hospital earlier. Keep in mind this happened in Germany. She had a job. Health insurance and everything.”
6. She’d put a potato in her vagina to hold up her prolapsed uterus.
“From a friend. Somewhere deep in Alabama. An elderly lady came in and said that she was having stomach pain or some kind of pain. When he was examining her, he noticed she had pain near her uterus/female areas. So, she got undressed for another exam, and she casually said to him, “Now, I do got leaves growing out of my Virginia.” He looked and saw that by God she did, and that she’d put a potato in her vagina to hold up her prolapsed uterus.”
7. She got chlamydia from letting him fuck her in her colostomy hole.
“This story came from a nurse I was good friends with. She worked at a Metro hospital and this was her most memorable one to date.
Couple goes to ER, the lady of said couple comes in complaining of a rash around her colostomy hole and she is very concerned. They do a few general tests and take a bacteria sample to the lab. When the results came back our friend had to deliver the news to the couple. Turns out the ‘rash’ was chlamydia of the colostomy hole. Now I will give you a minute to let that all sink in here.
Ok so this lead to the following break down of events. It was now discovered that the couple were engaging in sexual intercourse in her colostomy hole beyond the normal areas of choice. The lady also later checked out to not have said chlamydia of her genital area therefore leading to the discovery that her man was cheating on her and brought her home a gift from his ‘other lover’. Manm some weird-ass shit goes down in the Motor City.”
8. She didn’t realize that the huge bleeding, stinking mass on her chest was breast cancer.
“I treated a lady who’d passed out in the shower, came in for a CT. They found she had fungating breast cancer. When she was asked about the huge bleeding, stinking mass on her chest, both she AND her husband both denied all knowledge of it. By that stage she also had metastatic cancer in her brain. Very sad.”
9. The pungent smell and foul discharge were from a tampon she’d accidentally kept up there for a month.
“Not a doctor but worked as a patient care assistant in an ER for 4 years. My first weekend shift on the job a couple came in with the female complaining about vaginal discharge. The boyfriend talked to us outside the room about how he noticed a pungent smell while pleasuring her and then noticed the discharge. So the nurse and doctor do their jobs as I take vitals and lead him to the waiting room for some privacy she requested. 5 minutes later the doctor comes over to the nurse and I to inform us that the female forgot to remove her tampon from the previous month and when she realized that was the cause she didn’t know how to inform her boyfriend and so she turned it into an ER visit….”
10. Her vaginal acids dissolved the plastic wrap around the $9,000 in cash she’d shoved up her hoo-hoo.
“Not hidden from us, but from her boyfriend. Came in with $9,000 in cash which she had wrapped in plastic and shoved up her hoo-hoo. Her vaginal acids disintegrated the plastic wrap and she had to be anesthetized to get it all out.”
11. She broke her cervix by shoving two Coke bottles inside her.
“Well I’m a radiographer and sometimes you see those objects stuck deep inside patients, I’ve seen a spray can, a screwdriver, a potato, a dildo gone way too far…but the more surprising one was a woman that used a Coke 33cl glass bottle as a dildo, and she didn’t have enough so she used another, I guess she felt nothing due to excitement cause she pushed the first bottle into he uterus breaking the cervix by pushing with the second bottle.”
12. She had been trying to self-acupuncture, and the needles got embedded.
“A 60 y F came in after ‘falling asleep and rolling on a pin cushion.’ She had three two-inch needles in her left shoulder on X-ray. Later found out she had been trying self-acupuncture :S”
13. She had a massive vaginal tumor the size of a football.
“When I interned in the OB/GYN department, we had a lady sent to the ER due to vaginal bleeding.
When she was examined, she had a massive vaginal tumor, the size of a football, growing between her legs.
Her husband was with her, both said that it had just appeared, and they never noticed before.
There was absolutely no doubt that the thing had been growing for months. Sometimes when in shock, people can be in denial of the most absurd things.”
14. Fecal matter was draining out of the wound where she kept stabbing herself.
“Doctor here, in my 4th year of residency. You know how there are ‘cutters’ who lacerate and scratch their wrists chronically for psychiatric reasons? I once had a patient who, for similar reasons, would stab herself in the lower abdomen frequently and chronically enough that a permanent open wound developed, which she continued to pick at and stuff with paper and other gross stuff. She finally came to the hospital complaining that her ‘belly smells like it’s farting.’ She had developed a nasty, fibrotic fistula between her colon and her wound, letting fecal matter drain out into the skin. Don’t stab yourself folks; that’s our job.”
15. She had her first child, then ran out into the parking lot ten minutes later to shoot up with the child’s father.
“Had a patient that was a heroin addict leave the NICU ten minutes after having her first child to run to the parking lot and shoot up with the child’s father.
Ten minutes later she took a drug test. When we consulted her she said that she knew she was going to jail (it was her 5th child) and she wanted one last hit.”
16. She would stick razor blades up her vagina or shards of glass…
“Used to have this patient…that would stick razor blades up her vagina or shards of glass and wouldn’t let anyone remove them and would just sit in her room curled up while it stank the room rotten.
And another lady who was elderly who for years had been sending her husband out to buy her cotton wool pads; turns out she had been padding this gigantic hole in her breast from breast cancer and she never wanted to go to the doctor due to a bad childhood experience; sadly she died a few days later and her family were distraught that she had kept this a secret so long.”
17. She hid a whole pack of soggy Oreos, with some of them missing, under her tits.
“My mom (physician) was prepping a lady for weight-loss surgery back when she was a resident. She’s taking all of her vitals, doing all of the necessary pre-op questioning, and then starts to hook up her heart monitor (bunch of sticky pads on the chest). This lady had massive boobs that are physically in the way of where my mom needs to stick everything, and she’s actively trying to prevent my mom from accessing those places around her chest. Finally, my mom just says look, this has to happen or no surgery. My mom lifts (literally) the lady’s boob up and out of the way to expose the spot, and what does she find?
A whole pack of soggy Oreos, with a couple already missing. What. The. Fuck. They had to postpone the (weight-loss, ahem) surgery because she had recently eaten them and no longer had the required (or ideal) empty stomach before surgery. This lady literally had a cache of junk food stored under her tits.”
18. Seeking a voluptuous butt, she kept injecting fish oil into her ass.
“A patient came into the ER with severe pain in her buttocks on both sides, as well as fevers and some other indications of infection. After further evaluation she was diagnosed with a nasty deep tissue infection requiring inpatient hospitalization and IV antibiotics, but the question still remained as to where the infection came from.
As it turned out, she had read online that rubbing fish oil on your butt can make it more voluptuous. She figured, if it works on the surface, it might work even better on the inside! So she took her insulin syringes and withdrew the fish oil from an oral capsule, and injected herself with fish oil daily for two weeks until she inevitably became infected.
And no, her butt was not more voluptuous. It was red, swollen, hard, severely tender, and she was unable to lay on her back or sit down for weeks.”
19. The patient was advised to avoid chinchilla semen in the future.
“Not a doctor but my sister is a nurse. She was working the ER when this lady came in with a nasty rash on her legs. She was being cagey about what had happened and the department was particularly busy that evening, so my sister told the woman either to tell her what was going on or she would have to go help someone else…
Apparently the patient had been sleeping. She awoke when she felt a strange bumping sensation on her leg, and looked down to see her pet chinchilla humping her. As the patient described it, this continued without interruption for a short while before the chinchilla ‘went.’
‘Went?’ my sister asked. The patient then made a splooshing motion with her hands.
‘You know, it…went.’
My sister nodded her head and said she’d go get the doctor. She barely made it to the hallway and shut the door before breaking down laughing.
Eventually the doctor came by to see what was up, my sister filled him in, and they had a good laugh. The doctor then pointed out that in order for the patient to have a reaction, this had to be at least her second chinchilla spunk money shot.
After that, the doctor wrote a script for some topical cream and advised that the patient avoid chinchilla semen in the future.”
20. She kept injecting herself with toilet water.
“Not a doctor, a nurse. I once had a patient who had bloody diarrhea, nausea and vomiting…every day. Couldn’t find the source so we started to get sketched out.
We soon found out that she was stealing syringes and drawing blood straight from her porta-cath (catheter in chest that goes directly into a heart for lab draws/IV fluids and meds) and injecting it into the toilet to make us believe her.
She had Munchausen’s Syndrome.”
21. She smuggled two McDoubles under one tit and a half-liter of Cola under the other.
“Had a LARGE lady come in who needed to get a scan before entering a strictly control diet, what shows up? Two McDoubles under one tit and a half-liter of Cola under the other. She then starts to complain the hospital isn’t feeding her enough and they are starving her.”
22. Her intestinal guts were spilling out through her vagina.
“A close friend worked at a gynecologist’s office. She said a woman came in and she smelled so bad. The doctor saw her and asked what happened. She said she was cleaning, heard a pop, and then felt pain. Apparently, her vagina had been ripped open and her intestinal guts were coming out through her vagina. The doctor said there was no way this could physically be possible by bending over….This was a trademark case of horse (or something similar) bestiality gone wrong.”
23. A stinky street woman came in with maggots all in and around her vagina.
“When a friend was on E.R. rotation a stinky street woman came in with maggots all in and around her vagina.”
24. She had tried to commit suicide by stabbing her vagina with a chef’s knife.
“A few years ago had a young girl come in with what appeared to be heavy menstrual bleeding…but arterial (bright red) blood. Seemed shifty. On further exam and questioning she ‘tried to commit suicide’ by stabbing her vagina with a chef’s knife. Unfortunately she also perforated her rectum in the process (these are only separated by a thin fascial plane along the posterior aspect of the vagina). She left the hospital with a diverting colostomy…probably not the attention she was originally looking for.”
25. She got some sort of orgasmic relief from shoving pens up through her urethra.
“This woman had a bizarre addiction to shoving pens up through her urethra. Anything, BICs, Pentel, Pilot. She got some sort of orgasmic relief from it despite all the pain. I never really understood it. We found out what was happening after I lost a few pens in her room…”
26. The woman’s husband had to shove a 2×4 on her stomach to move the flaps in order to have sex with her.
“My friend’s mom was an ER nurse. She had a rather large female patient come in with her husband. The patient was complaining of severe itching on her abdomen, of which she could pinpoint the reason. After the doctor and nurses held up the many skin flaps on her abdomen, the saw the rash and several splinters causing irritation. Turns out, the woman’s husband had to shove a 2×4 on her stomach to move the flaps in order to have sex with her.”
27. She’d used a potato as a tampon, and it started sprouting leaves.
“I heard this story from a friend of the person who is supposedly a nurse in an ER (I don’t know if this story is true because of that but it is an amazing story nonetheless). One night a woman is carted in by the EMTs and she is so large she needed two stretchers. We are talking well over 500 lbs. The doctor comes over to her and asks what’s wrong. ‘Something is growing out of me.’ the doctor rolls his eyes and thinks, ‘Great, another hypochondriac,’ so he asks her where it is growing out of. She points down to her nether regions. The doctor puts her in stirrups (don’t ask me how cause I don’t know) and parts her legs. Lo and behold there was something green coming out of her lady bits. He stands up and goes to her and asks what she put up there. She denies anything and reluctantly the doctor removes the foreign object to find it is a potato! That’s right—a potato. He holds it up to her and she was like ‘Oh that’s right! I put that up there when I was on my period and I ran out of tampons. I forgot about that.’”
28. When they took the shampoo bottle out of her vagina, it made that suction noise because it was buried that deep into her.
“Had a teenage patient come in whose mom said she slipped and fell while showering, causing a shampoo bottle to go up her vagina. My brother said, ‘So you slipped in the bathtub causing you to do the splits and the bottle went inside of you?’ And she agreed.
Obviously she was masturbating with the shampoo bottle and it went too far inside. With the mom there my brother didn’t press much after cause she wanted to lie.
Regardless, he said when they took the bottle out of her it made that suction noise because it was buried that deep into her…”
29. A lady who fell. On an apple. Naked. It ended up in her vagina.
“I’m not a nurse but a well-known story from the hospital I work at (administrative job) is the story of a lady who fell. On an apple. Naked. It ended up in her vagina.”