1. I vomited on him.
“I once told a guy at a party that his personality was so disgusting it made me want to vomit. He didn’t believe me and continued to hit on me. So I voluntarily vomited on him just to get my point across.”
2. I ripped a big fart as loud as I could. He left when he smelled it!
“This guy at the coffee shop wouldn’t stop asking me for my number so I just ripped a big fart as loud as I could. He left when he smelled it!”
3. I peed all over my pants when he tried raping me.
“Okay this is heavy and I’ve never told anyone because it makes me feel ridiculous…Anyway. I was at a party in college, out at this girl’s house in the middle of nowhere and everyone was drinking. I had too much and needed fresh air and to grab my purse so I went out and sat behind my car. This guy came out and sat next to me. He was in my English class so I knew him but we never really talked. Long story short he hit on me, I rejected him, and he flipped shit and forced me into my back seat to try to rape me. I was parked far enough away and in the dark so no one saw and he had my mouth covered and all my drunk brain could think was that awful advice of ‘pee yourself and your attacker will be grossed out and leave.’ So I did. And he had his hand forced down my pants so it got all over his hand. He was pretty grossed out. Slapped me with the pee hand, called me a ‘sick b*tch,’ and left. I was too embarrassed to go back in covered in piss so I just left. I drove home drunk and ashamed and crying. Luckily I made it there safe. I took a shower and laughed at myself and cried. So yeah probably the farthest I’ve gone to get rid of a guy….”
4. I faked being deaf.
“Faked being deaf. Turns out disabilities make a ton of guys uncomfortable. Learned that tip from my deaf cousins.”
5. I pretended to be a gay 14-year-old Korean boy.
“Some asshole who thought I was in love with him (I wasn’t) and that I was only dating my then-boyfriend for money (I wasn’t) leaked my Kik account on 4chan.
As one might expect, I was harassed for nudes by several guys so I did what any sane person would do; I changed my profile picture into a picture of a Korean musician and pretended to be a gay 14-year-old Korean boy. It actually worked.”
6. I responded to his dick pics with photos of arrows pointing at crusty dog and cat assholes.
“He discovered I was a girl in World of Warcraft. He immediately tried to join my guild (denied!) and then asked me to marry him several times. He kept sending me random crap from his inventory (because copper ore just screams ‘take me now’) with the awkward love poems only a basement-dwelling troglodyte can come up with. Again, we’d never spoken. But he wanted to marry me. So like a wise and intelligent person, I gave him my phone number.
He texted me his dick. I responded with pictures of dog/cat assholes with arrows pointing right at the crusty poopholes. Those arrows were labeled with his name. This was the only communication I ever sent him. No words. Just assholes. He gave up after about three days.”
7. I faked being admitted to a psych ward.
“Ooooh oooohh oooohh I got one, I got one! Had to fake being admitted to a psych ward. Also before this was fake drug overdose and fake anorexia which also led me to ‘being admitted,’ so no contact. He finally quit the death threats, though.”
8. I went up and hugged the biggest guy at the trolley station.
I had a guy who wouldn’t leave me alone at a San Diego trolley station. It was late at night and I was 17 and alone. I walked up to the biggest, scariest looking guy there and pretended like he was my friend. I even gave him a huge hug. Luckily, he immediately understood what was happening and played along with it. After about two minutes of me talking to the big dude, the creepy stalker guy left. I thanked the big dude profusely and he was super cool about it. He said I wasn’t the first girl he’s had to play along with in order to scare off a creeper.
9. I go all axe-crazy, and it scares the shit out of them every time.
“To be honest, dudes like this are…kind of afraid of me. I don’t act nice at all, if a guy does anything, I mean anything creepy towards me I just flip out. I threw a rock at a dude’s car who catcalled me once and sprinted toward a kid who grabbed my ass in high school, ready to deck him in the face.
And they always, like clockwork, get scared. High school kid ran off, and the dude in the car just kind of whined and then drove off. Men like this aren’t expecting you to fight back, just to politely nod and put up with it. So when you go all axe-crazy, it scares the shit out of them.”
10. I had my dad show up to his house in his State Trooper uniform.
“Once this boy cornered me at school and had his friends surround me so I couldn’t run away. He kept grabbing me and calling me his blow-up doll, stuff like that.
Anyway. I told my dad about it, and he showed up to the kid’s house in full uniform—he was a State Trooper—and had a ‘talk’ with the kid and his dad about it.
The next day, the kid apologized to me repeatedly and told me he’d only done it because I’m so very beautiful. He promised to never ever, ever talk to me again—and he kept his word. All those years we lived in the same tiny town and he avoided me like the plague.”
11. I told him I work in septic tank repair and thus always smell like shit.
“I usually lie about my line of work. Like if they boast about illegal shit I casually mention I’m a lawyer; or if they look like the kinda motorhead who drinks douche for breakfast, then…
bro: ‘Hey sweetie, (ugh and it’s always sweetie) what kinda work you do? Let me pick you up from work sometime.’
me: ‘That’s great. I actually work in septic tank repair because they need small bodies to get through the pipes. Your car might smell like shit though, hope you don’t mind?’
12. I started barking and snarling at him like a mad dog.
“I live in the edge of a bad neighborhood and one night as I was walking my dogs I see this guy start to walk up on me—fast. At first I thought maybe he was a jogger, but he was in regular clothes. So as he gets up right behind me I turn to confront him and start barking and snarling like a mad dog at him until he was scared enough to cross to the other side of the street.
My theory: Out-crazy the crazies. Works every time.”
13. I grabbed the back of his greasy hair and smashed his face into a car.
“Smash his face into a car next to us. For your brief backstory, he popped out of nowhere at 3AM at Walmart as I was trying to get back into my car. He tried to touch me and God knows what else. I was very very lucky I was able to push him into the other car and he turned. Grabbed the back of his greasy hair and slammed once good before I got in my car and bolted.”
14. I pretended that I was a new person who acquired my old phone number.
“After me and my ex broke up he stalked me for two years. He would text me every so often and I would be polite and ask him how he was, then he would start to insult me when I didn’t want to hang out with him. (He cheated on me with another girl.) After getting sick of his random text messages I pretended that it wasn’t my number. When he messaged me I said, ‘Who is this?’ and he was like, ‘You know who it is.’ I replied with, ‘I just got this number and guys are constantly texting it for this chick named—’ my ex apologized and I never heard from him again.”
15. I had to take country roads to avoid him accidentally ‘bumping’ into me.
“We lived a town away from each other in a very rural area, so if I heard he was coming into (my) town from friends, I would call my friend who was old enough to drive and have her pick me up. Driving country roads was the only way he wouldn’t ‘bump’ into me. He would also stop by my house and when my parents told him that I wasn’t there, he would camp out in his car waiting for me to come home. I learned quickly that it usually took a couple of hours before he would give up and leave town. This happened a few times a week for a couple of months.”
16. I got involved in a death race with a trucker who was stalking me.
“Semi-recently, I was at a 24-hour restaurant by myself around 9 or 10 PM. It was the kind of place that had counters with barstools and free Wi-Fi, with a mix of locals and travelers. At one point I felt…watched…and I looked up to see a man staring and smiling at me. I thought maybe I had met him somewhere, so I gave a quick polite smile and re-submerged myself in Reddit and my cheap meal. An hour and a half later, my phone battery died and I paid up and left.
Well, he was there, in the parking lot, waiting for me, smiling and waving from his truck and motioning for me to come over. I was shocked and froze mid-step for a couple seconds, but then nervously shook my head no and turned away to unlock my car door. I heard the truck engine start saw the bright beams of headlights flash on behind me as I quickly hopped in my car—no fiddling with music playlists or air conditioning—and sped out of there. I thought I’d made it clear I wasn’t interested, but when I saw a truck speeding along just behind me, I switched lanes just in case (even then thinking I must be paranoid, there were plenty of truckers on the road that night, it probably wasn’t him). The truck also switched lanes, all the while getting closer. I frantically swerved back to the other lane. So did the truck. By this time he was right behind me, flashing his brights while smiling and jovially waving for me to pull over. He chased me all over the road through town until I turned at full speed without signaling or braking and skidded sideways down a side road, darted into a random driveway, turned off the car, and hid crying and shaking for half an hour until I was sure he was gone.”
17. I bolted from him in the rain wearing flip-flops.
“I went on a date to the beach with this guy and he invited me to his house. We ate some food and afterwards he kissed me. It made me a little uncomfortable so I told him I had to go and that I had plans. He tried to convince me to stay, and then said that I couldn’t leave until I said I would be his girlfriend. Red flags are going off and so I tried to keep the mood very light and started to gather my things while saying things like, ‘Oh, you really like me hey? That’s sweet…’ I went to leave and suddenly he’s in front of me, grabbing my wrists and asking me to be his girlfriend. Yeah, OK bud, whatever you say. I’m your girlfriend now. Unfortunately, he drove, so I told him my parents lived nearby (not true) and I would just walk there. I really didn’t want him to know where I lived at this point. He follows me out into the street, offering me a ride, trying to hold my hand and walk me home. So I just bolt. I broke a flip-flop that day. I think he followed me for a while but I got far enough ahead of him. It was about two-hour walk home so I think eventually he just gave up. It started raining on the way. I remember being in my bathing suit and a dress, holding my shoes, running in the rain and laughing about how much I’d rather be there on the side of the road than in that guy’s house for one more minute.
We’ve been dating ever since!
(JK, I broke up with him over text message when I got home. Apparently, it’s not so easy to force someone to be your girlfriend.)”
18. I had to invent multiple lies just to keep him off my trail.
“This one guy didn’t get the hint. Other ladies will understand that when someone’s seriously creeping on you, you have to be polite and courteous because you don’t know how fucked up this guy is—if he isn’t respecting your boundaries, who knows what he will respect?
So I had a guy follow me off of my train and to my apartment. I couldn’t just walk or run away because I had a bike with a flat tire, and it was 45~40C (115~120F). I’m just not athletic enough to deal with that. So I politely entertained conversation, hoping that at one point he’d take a turn that I didn’t have to.
He asked me how old I was, and when I lied he questioned me, TOUCHED MY FACE and said, ‘Y’know, you look at lot younger than 22, ya don’t got any lines.’ Then he asked if I went to the gym and again, I lied. Then he touched my stomach and complimented how flat I was, saying I probably didn’t even need to go to the gym.
Keep going, get to my apartment complex and I get my bike into the gate, then myself and he steps in between the gate and it’s latch—I can’t close it. He starts asking for a way to contact me, and he goes through the list.
Phone number? I’m too poor for a phone.
Facebook? I don’t own a PC either!
What about an email? Never have time to check!
Which apartment are you in? Oh, I don’t know.
What do you mean you don’t know? Oh, I just kinda go to the door, I never really checked the number, haha my boyfriend deals with the mail haha.
He turns for a moment and I push him, shove the gate closed and even though my apartment was to the left, I went right and stayed right for a while. I circled around my complex, waited a bit, made sure he was gone and then half an hour later—went home.
I wish I could say this was the first time this kind of shit happened.”
19. I ask them how their mother would feel if she heard them talking that way.
“I’m a big fan of saying, ‘how would your mother feel if she heard you talking/acting like that?”‘ It usually shuts them up because they realize their mother wouldn’t be proud.”
20. I told him I’d never be able to have children.
“This is so ridiculous, but I told him a doctor had said I would never be able to have children. It worked and he finally left me alone. Things were a bit awkward when I ran into him years later with my two kids.”
21. We got a Mormon guy to pretend he was our husband.
“In high school while on a choir trip to the beach there were about ten of us sunbathing in our suits. We happened to be perched up near the top of a small hill of sand, and we noticed a total middle-aged creeper who kept walking back and forth slightly below us along the hill, glancing often at us in a way that there really was no question what he was thinking about. Not just sneaking peeks but lingering, creepy watching. He pretended to be collecting shells in the sand, but it was clearly a ruse. Luckily one of our male friends was hanging out with us (lucky guy) who happens to be Mormon with a great sense of humor. We pointed this guy out to him and he says, ‘Girls, I’ll take care of him!’ He walks over to the guy and says, ‘Excuse me, but I’m Mormon and these are all my wives and you are making them uncomfortable! Please leave us alone!’ Dude’s eyes widen and he promptly disappears. Didn’t even question the idea that polygamist Mormon wives would be sunbathing in bikinis on a public beach. Other times, I have talked to guys I don’t want attention from in Russian. I am by no means anywhere near fluent, but just a couple garbled sentences and they give that deer-in-the-headlight look and move on.”
22. I pretended I have a weird, autistic aversion to being touched.
“Pretty much my whole family thinks I have some weird, autistic aversion to being touched. Basically I have a male family member who is ‘accidentally’ handsy a lot, and when I’d object to the way he touched me, he’d start in on the whole, ‘Gee, what’s wrong with you? You must be crazy to be upset by this.’ So eventually I just played into that. Yep, I’m crazy. Totally crazy enough to make a huge scene the next time your hand brushes my butt. Crazy enough to call down all this attention on you. So yeah, my family thinks I’m a weirdo who can’t handle human contact, but I don’t get ‘accidentally’ groped by that relative anymore.”
23. I pretended I was his girlfriend so he could ‘break up’ with me and leave me alone.
“Ugh…this is so bad. But this guy I went on a date with twice when I was about 21 was so into me, but I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship and wasn’t interested. He kept bugging me, and finally he was being sarcastic and said he could call me his girlfriend, so basically he told everyone I was his girlfriend and then drove by my house repeatedly to see if I was home. I would hide out, etc. …I finally let him ‘break up’ with me because I wasn’t being attentive enough. It actually worked and he finally left me alone. It was allowing him some control and then getting ‘rid’ of me that did it. He would have it the other way. He wasn’t violent, just really socially awkward and a bit unsure of himself. It’s almost like he needed some control of something, and if it made him feel better to say he had me as a girlfriend, then so be it.”
24. I told him I’m a lesbian, and no, he can’t watch.
“Usually when you reject a guy their self-esteem either drops greatly or the true nature of them comes out. They feel as if they need to call you a whore or a slut or a bitch. Well sorry not sorry :)
I worked at a retail store for about three years. One of the new guys kept smiling and talking to me. About shit that I don’t care about. But I was nice since you can’t be mean to co-workers. He somehow got my number. And then decided to follow my work schedule. I had enough of it one day and wore a tube top to shop after my shift. It showed all my tattoos. He asked me who the name was on my left breast. ‘My girlfriend of eight years.’ After that he played cool and then he was asking about my sex life. I simply told him that it must be sad sitting at home alone. Needless to say he transferred stores a week later (super-creepy religious guy).
I always get hit on and I’m not even pretty. It’s so creepy. I have to tell them the sad truth.
I’m a lesbian. And no, you can’t watch.”
25. I got my martial-arts expert dad to pay him a visit.
“I finally had to sic my dad on someone. Ordinarily I never would because the man has multiple black belts in martial arts, competitively did martial arts and was crazy. I’d much rather go to the police than dad but it didn’t work.
Started out as a friend of my boyfriend being introduced to me. He wasn’t really my friend but was always around. He was never anything but polite but would constantly reference how lucky my boyfriend was.
Fast-forward to our breakup. Suddenly this guy was everywhere I went. Due to the breakup we weren’t even in the same circle. The grocery store, the park, everywhere. Small town so I didn’t really consider him stalkerish, especially as he was always so polite. He asked me out once, I said no and he remained polite.
Continued to follow me around. Made friends with all my friends. Showed up anywhere he heard I’d be. He was older (I was 18, he was 24) so everyone always had him buy alcohol. No one complained about him. He was polite, really only spoke to me.
It started to make me uncomfortable but I didn’t feel afraid. I was pretty sure I could kick his ass if it ever came to it (I’m my father’s daughter). So one night my two friends were complaining they’d bought four tickets to a concert and the other couple backed out. I said I’d go and my stalker said he’d go. Oops. Oh well, I didn’t want to be rude.
Night of the concert he never showed. It was a relief, honestly. We had fun and I didn’t really think about it much. A couple days later I get a collect call from my county jail. It was this guy apologizing over and over for standing me up ‘for our first date.’ He got arrested for possession. I assured him I wasn’t upset and that it wasn’t a date anyway.
I got a couple more collect calls but I just declined them. That’s when the letters started. Two or three A DAY! Some were begging forgiveness. Some were explicit sexual fantasies. Some were him writing like we were a couple, talking about our future kids and stuff. I took one more call to tell him to stop. They kept coming. In his head I was mad about him being in jail keeping us apart. That’s why I didn’t write back or take his calls.
He wrote to all my friends telling them we were in love and asking them to get me to talk to him. When they told him to stop, he decided they were against him and trying to keep us apart. They were lying about him and confusing me.
I called the jail and told them so they restricted my number and didn’t post letters to me from him. It was quiet for about a week. Then letters in his handwriting started to appear in my car and mailbox (but not posted). The letters were telling me he got locked up in psych for trying to kill himself and how I was an evil bitch for doing this to him. Then the next would be begging forgiveness. Then more sex fantasy stuff but now it all featured him ‘punishing’ me and teaching me how to be a good girl.
I called the police. They caught someone putting the letters in my car. He’d hired some ex-con to deliver them. He’d mail to him and that guy would deliver them. The guy had photos of me he was mailing back to my stalker. That guy didn’t get charged but they revoked his parole or something.
It was quiet for another week, then it all started again. Finally I called my dad and told him the whole story and showed him a few of the letters. He turned a shade of purple and drove straight to the jail.
I have no idea what he said or did but I only got one more letter. It was a terrified apology begging me not to have him killed and he’d never contact me again.
He never did. He never contacted any of my friends.”