Lately, I find myself unable to write about heartbreak.
Believe me, this subject is still relevant to me. I hear my friends complaining to me about their dreadful dating lives all the time and how elusive it is to find love in this era. And it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I used to think like this too.
That two years ago, I was in a perpetual heartbroken state feeling lost and hopeless. I didn’t know a thing about love or what I wanted. I didn’t know the person I was without a romantic partner to define me. I didn’t have any goals and dreams, or what I hoped to achieve in life. All I know was that I didn’t want to end up dying alone as I was convinced that nothing was worse than that.
My head was confused by the mixed signals, the complication, and drama. And my heart was hurting all the time. Even in the bliss of a thrilling new romance, I was plagued with insecurity and doubt. Ugly thoughts were relentless and I could seek no reprieve.
What if this doesn’t last? What if he couldn’t accept the person I am? What if we’re not suitable for each other? What if he stops loving me?
I didn’t know a thing about love but I sure know how to deal with a broken heart.
Sometimes, I feel that I couldn’t do a relationship because I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was cynical that anything good would happen to me. And when the relationship eventually ended as how I predicted from the start, I sprang into action taking care of my wounded self and battered soul.
I loved abrupt endings and unresolved endings. Nothing reveals someone’s true colors like when they’re breaking up with you. I loved how deathly calm and indifferent I appeared on the surface as if my heart wasn’t breaking into million pieces beneath the blank facade I was fiercely holding onto. I loved how I was cruelly pushed from cloud nine to rock bottom because at least, I was firmly in reality and my comfort zone now. I loved how I have to pick myself up and rebuild my life piece by piece as the promise of a new beginning gave me hope that things would be different next time.
I may not know a thing about making love last but I sure know how to make it hurt less.
And then I met him.
The demon in my head stops screaming. The cracks in my heart start to heal and I begin to see hope in the most unlikely place. The change happened gradually as I lower down my guard and let him into my inner world trusting him not to hurt me. It took a while but one day, I found myself thinking of our future together with a smile on my face giddy with happiness. I found myself wanting to stay with him forever and looking forward to the rest of our lives together. I found myself grateful that none of my relationship before him lasted because the universe is actually leading me to the right one.
I found myself unable to write about the excruciating pain of heartbreak because I no longer associate myself with it. In the comfortable and safety love he provided for me, I couldn’t remember what it was like before and I couldn’t imagine ever parting from him.
And I realized it wasn’t that I was hard to love or I couldn’t do relationship. It was that I haven’t met the right person yet. And I want to tell you that your turn will come soon. One day, you will meet them and you will know.