The Truth Is, I Was Never Your Priority

girl looking at phone
God & Man

I was never the first person you would call. I was never the first person on your list. I was never enough for you. I was never the person that you wanted me to be. I was never your priority.

I think I knew in the back of my mind that you never loved me like I loved you. I just didn’t want to believe it. Because who wants to believe that you aren’t enough? How could anyone want to believe that.

I tried. And all you did was give up.

I gave you all of me. I trusted you. I loved you. I wasn’t even me when I didn’t have you. I wasn’t whole without you. And I guess that was the problem. I wasn’t me without you, but you were just fine without me.

I remember it all like it was yesterday. You not fighting for me. You listening to me cry. You saying nothing. You shying away from my light. You not being the man that I thought you were. You giving up on us. You giving up on me.

It wasn’t fair what you did. It wasn’t fucking fair.

All I ever wanted was for you to let me love you. All I ever wanted was for you to stay. For you to not back out. For you to not back down.

But you walked away. You walked away from something that could have been so good. You walked away from something that could have been so god damn beautiful. You walked away from a love that could have been so strong and so permanent.

I don’t blame you for ending it. I can’t help what your heart wants. But I blame you for leading my heart on for years. I blame you for how you ended it. For blindsiding me. For growing distant. For growing so cold.

I never thought you had it in you to throw your coolness at my doorstep. I never thought you had it in you to make me feel so used. So blue. So forgotten. I was never your person. But you were mine. I was never your priority. But you were mine.

And maybe you never loved me like I loved you. Maybe after all of this time, there’s a reason for all of this. Maybe when you let me go, you gave me back to my own self. Maybe it’ll all work out and I’ll attend your wedding and not want to drown my liver in red wine.

But maybe you’ll attend my wedding and stand up before I make my vows. Maybe you’ll speak. Maybe you’ll fight for me. For once in your life. Maybe you’ll one day put me first.

And maybe then, I’ll be your first priority. Maybe in another lifetime. In another universe. In another worldTC mark

Lauren Jarvis-Gibson

For more poetry and writing follow me on Instagram!

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

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