“Every now and then I get a little lost My strings all get tangled, my wires all get crossed Every now and then I’m right up on the edge Dangling my toes out over the ledge I just thank God you’re here.” – Kenny Chesney
In my head, I’m difficult to deal with.
In my head, I feed myself a million lies.
But there are moments I believe it.
There are moments I become my own worst enemy.
Moments where I’m inside my own head completely self-destructing.
As thoughts consume me and negativity overtakes me and everything becomes dark, there are few people I reach for who grab my hand every time I need it.
It’s the anxiety as I overanalyze a situation, wondering what I did or said that was wrong. It’s the anxiety of always thinking I’m the one to blame. It’s thoughts that plague me and the friends who have to remind me it’s okay. Everything will be okay.
It’s the depression that makes me want to be alone but at the same time want company. And not just any company, one or two people who seem to get it without me having to explain anything at all.
It’s the people who are the breath of fresh air I need when it feels like I’m drowning under the surface.
It’s countering the negativity and just reminding me I have two choices here.
Sometimes I think I’m difficult to deal with.
Sometimes I wonder why anyone would choose me if they knew me to the core of who I was.
Sometimes I look at the people who do and I wonder what they are gaining from this relationship?
Sometimes I think they’d be better off without me. Because while they are helping me float I’m trying to drown them, maybe not intentionally.
Sometimes I think I’m a burden for needing them so much.
When things are off, “an off day” I call it, these things rush through my head.
Half of the time I wonder do they feel sorry for me? I’m overcome with guilt when those thoughts cross my mind. Half the time I want to tell them they don’t have to stay.
Sometimes though no matter how much I try and push them away, they choose to be here.
I’m not the most religious person in the world but it’s these people who make me believe in something.
I once read, “you have to remember you will always have a distorted view of the world. Your eyes are skewed. You have depressed lens. Anxious lens. A perfectionist lens,” – Kate Fagan
I know I’m never going to see things as they are. I know even learning to coexist with anxiety and depression it will always still be there lingering and waiting to creep up in those moments where I’m at my most vulnerable.
Those nights where I’m not sleeping. Those nights where I’m crying in a ball and not telling anyone about it. Those nights where I’m standing in a crowded room and feeling empty and lonely and people wonder how can you feel such things when you have company?
There is a loneliness to having the wrong company. There are moments where you just need certain people to take your hand in those times of fear and confusion and chaos.
There are times where you might look out and you know a storm is coming. A depressed storm. An anxious storm. A painful storm. A storm of suffering. And you know it’s nothing you can run from because you tried in the past.
But there is comfort in finding those people who stand with you. Those people who aren’t there to provide you with answers or try to fix this. It’s these very rare people who just endure the storm with you and when it’s over and whatever mess has been made, whether it’s self-inflicted or not, these people help you.
I believe we cross paths with individuals for a reason but every so often when you’re lucky these people don’t just cross paths with you, they change your direction entirely, leading the way on this path you always thought you’d walk alone.
“It’s hard lovin’ someone that’s got a gypsy soul I don’t know how you do it, I’m not sure how you know The perfect thing to say to save me from myself You’re the angel that believes in me like nobody else And I thank God you do.” – Kenny Chesney