1. “How are you still single?”
Oh I don’t know, BUDDY. How are you still single?! Why are we sitting across from each other at this table while you chew with your mouth open and I pretend I live for salads and white wine spritzers? HM?!
2. “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Hopefully not eating the same stale bread and watered down cocktails whilst still dating. ~*internally screams*~
3. “Do you like kids?”
Maybe. Do they have my DNA? Because that will definitely help me feel less afraid of them.
4. “What happened between the two of you? Why’d you break up?”
He asked me a similar question on a first date and I remembered years later when we were fighting about something totally non-related and so I murdered him.
[Pro tip: In actuality this is just fucking rude. Why bring up battle scars that you know nothing about on the first date? Why? SERIOUSLY WHY?!]
5. “How’d you land that job?”
Sheer goddamn luck.
[‘Nother Pro tip: What sort of answer are you expecting? Do you expect them to be all, “Omg I sucked so many dickz u have no idea boo”? It’s probably because they worked really hard and amazingly enough, did their job. ~*sHoCkEr*~]
6. “Are you Jewish?”
No. I have curly hair. You’re racist.
If you can feel a “what flavor are you?” question forming in your mind before your date has offered the info up, do yourself a favor and swallow it down. You’re going to come across in a bad way, I promise.
7. “So you’ve slept with…how many people?”
None. You ready?
Just no, hon. No. NO.
8. “You gonna eat all that?”
Well I was gonna get it to-go for tomorrow to eat cold over my sink but now that you’ve made it a challenge…
9. “What are you looking for right now?”
A way out of this date that doesn’t involve a $39 Uber.
10. “Tell me about your ex.”
Plz Google synonyms for “terror”, “masochist”, and “Stalin”.
11. “Did you bring your wallet?”
Omg you’re gonna ask to venmo for your half after this, aren’t you? Fuck…
12. “Do you (still) use Tinder?”
That’s literally none of your business. Can I change my mind and swipe left on you and left on the part where I shook your hand without considering using Purell afterwards? No? Damn.
13. “How’s your alcohol tolerance?”
Better than you’re hoping for you effing creep. *shudder*
14. “When were you last tested?”
Long enough ago to realize I should maybe be more adventurous, but recently enough to realize I respect myself enough to not sleep with someone that instantly thinks dinner means he’s privy to my health history!
15. “Are you nervous?”
Uhhhhh I wasn’t but thanks for the confidence boost?
16. “Yes or no? Size matters.”
17. “Who are you voting for?”
Obama. Yes I know he can’t run again it’s wishful thinking.
18. “Do you believe in love at first sight?”
Do you believe in appropriate first date questions for people you don’t know and don’t have a good read on yet?
19. “How much is your rent?”
Enough to sleep in a bed without you.
20. “Have you ever been with a (enter opposite sex here)?”
Have you ever had your parents tell you they’re proud of you?
21. “So I Googled you…”
22. “When did you lose your virginity?”
23. “So. How am I doing?”