Studies show that men tend to prioritize the attractiveness of their female friends when it came to their choice of female friends whereas women prioritize a male friend’s ability to protect them. Other studies show that men are more likely to report attraction to their female friends than women are to their male friends, regardless of whether or not they or their friend is in a relationship. Recent research indicates that the physical attractiveness of an opposite-sex friend predicted sexual interest in that friend more strongly for men than women, and that this effect is only moderated by relationship satisfaction for women and not men (in other words, men will be more likely to be sexually interested in their female friends than women would be in their attractive male friends, regardless of relationship satisfaction or their current partner’s attractiveness whereas those factors can affect this for women). More often than not, there’s a reason for concern over your boyfriend having a “girl best friend,” and you likely have a higher probability of being betrayed by a man with close female friends.
This should come as no surprise to anyone given the millions of stories out there of women who found themselves being betrayed by their boyfriend or husband with a “girl best friend,” yet there is still controversy around this myth. Recently, a TikTok of a happily married woman who said that happily married men don’t pursue close friendships with women went viral. Thousands of women then proceeded to share their own stories of how they were inevitably screwed over by trying to play the “cool girl” to their boyfriend or husband having a close shady friendship with another woman. Here are a few primary reasons you should be wary if you’re dating a man with close and shady friendships with women.
Men Don’t Pursue Friendships with Women For the Same Reasons Women Do With Men
One false equivalency that people often throw out in defense of this phenomenon is the claim that both men and women pursue friendships with the opposite sex for purely platonic reasons. Yet research contests this, showing that a man will prioritize attractiveness and their attraction to a potential female friend over other traits whereas a woman doesn’t prioritize it at all, and women are less likely than men to be attracted to their opposite-sex friends. Plenty of men complain about being “friend-zoned” but women rarely do – why do you think that is? It’s because women generally really do have friendships with men that are not at all based on physical attraction – usually (unless they’re a female narcissist) they will pick male friends who they feel are protective, empathic, and emotionally supportive in some way. Basically, women on average couldn’t care less if a man looks like a young Michael Vartan from Alias or Grant Gustin from The Flash (okay, maybe a young Michael Vartan from Alias and Grant Gustin would incentivize them a little) when it comes to their choice of male friends. We know for a fact that, on the other hand, that men generally pursue friendships with women they’re attracted to in hopes of deeper connection whereas women generally can be friends with men they really do only view in a platonic light.
Many women can relate to this. Every close guy friend I’ve ever had has hit on me in some form or fashion. Every single one. So why do we continue to create this false equivalency that heterosexual men and women pursue friendships with the opposite sex for the same reason? Generally speaking, with few exceptions, many men will pursue friendships with women they are interested in with the hope of more. If they continue to invest deeply in these friendships while they are in a relationship or enter a marriage, there is always going to be some level of flirtation and interest there. Many women can attest to experiencing a situation where their husband or boyfriend went on to have a romantic relationship with their female best friend they said they looked at “as a sister,” or a friend they confided in about the relationship. Full-blown emotional affairs if not physical ones often run rampant in these cases.
Pick-Me Women Do Exist, And So Do Men Who Entertain Them
Is your boyfriend or spouse really “oblivious” to the advances of other women or does he just want to keep his options open? Recently, another woman shared a story online about how two of her husband’s “friends” kept complimenting her and telling her that she was way out of her husband’s league. Later, one of those same friends called her husband and claimed she was having an emergency with the other friend and needed their help in her hotel room. The husband rushed to the young woman’s aid – only for the woman to maul and flirt with her husband while the wife was in the other room (according to the husband at least – but we’re not all too sure that’s the full story). Her husband confessed that this young woman had been hitting on him for months, and had even told him that he was out of his wife’s league (the opposite of what she told the wife). Yet that doesn’t explain why he would try to rush to help that same woman late at night rather than finding someone else to do it if he was that concerned about her intentions. Such stories are common – the “female best friend” or “work wife” pretends to compliment his girlfriend only to pursue him behind the scenes – or he pursues her, and blames the woman as a form of gaslighting – as was illustrated beautifully in the television series Wilderness. The man pretends he’s oblivious to her advances yet doesn’t seem at all nervous about coming to her aid, flirting back, or engaging in late-night phone calls or texts or one-on-one meetings.
To believe no woman would ever want to pursue a man in a committed relationship is naive because pick-me women who try to go after men who are in committed relationships do exist, and according to research, they tend to exhibit psychopathic tendencies if they have a pattern of pursuing men already in committed relationships. Interestingly, the men who engage in these types of affairs and allow themselves to be “partner poached” also display psychopathic traits too. Both are in the wrong, the partner in a relationship moreso, but both are still responsible for their behavior.
Men With A Harem of Close Female Friends Are Usually Players
Some women think that men who have lots of close female friends must be sensitive and emotionally intelligent (in the words of a viral internet trend, “someone cooked here“). They assume that they have a better understanding of what women want and need. But they forget – some men may know they don’t have a realistic opportunity with these women they call friends, but will still keep them around and be caring toward them not out of real compassion but a motive to feel validated by their attention. Men who like to be surrounded by women are often narcissistic players who like having a roster. They want to keep their options open and want to pit women against one another to maintain the power in their primary relationship. Admittedly, as someone who’s dated multiple men at once, I know how thrilling dating multiple people can be – but in my case, I was transparent and not in a relationship – and I did not disguise these as “friendships.” Men with many close female friends on the other hand are not at all transparent about their motives or true intentions. They want the wife at home and several women they can flirt with or have emotional, even physical affairs with on the side. They want a “girl best friend” in training that can become the second wife or girlfriend if the first one doesn’t work out. So don’t assume the excitement of dating multiple women is any different for your garden-variety man who requires lots of attention from his female best friends and spends most of his time, energy, and money entertaining other women.
Are There Exceptions?
If you’re reading this thinking, “No! There must be an exception!” With everything in life, there can be rare unicorn situations where this won’t apply. But usually, it is restricted to cases where there is no physical and emotional attraction on either end, and involves a high-value man with genuine intentions (but even in that case, he likely wouldn’t be pursuing close friendships with women at all because he’s focused on his partner). Perhaps your boyfriend has a childhood friend where neither are attracted to each other and the friend is already happily in another relationship and would never have an affair. Or it’s not a friendship at all but a context where strong boundaries are in place – more of an acquaintance situation where nothing can ever happen. In those cases, you may not have any reason to be wary. However, we do need to stop gaslighting women and telling them that they are “insecure,” “crazy” or “imagining things” when it comes to men with shady close female friends. Don’t doubt yourself and listen to your instincts.
