January Nelson

When she gets upset, tell her she’s “being extra.” Side note: it just means you’re overreacting, which she will do after about 2 or 3 of these terms.

“Jayme Closs. 13 year old girl disappears off the face of the planet in the 4 minutes it takes the police to respond to a 911 call from the mother’s cellphone. When they get to the house, mom and dad have been shot dead, dad dying as he opens the door. No sign of assailants or Jayme.”

I asked and his reply was, “It’s your funeral.”

Don’t be offended if they cancel plans at the last minute.

Going through the drive through just to park and eat alone in my car.

I love him more than I feel like I would a normal brother in law because he is a carbon copy of my husband. But I have no romantic feelings towards him whatsoever. Their personalities are polar opposites and I could never be attracted to him sexually or anything.

All things must come to an end. Whatever this is must also come to an end. Enjoy your life.

You were assigned to read a book prior to the wedding and were sat with people who read that same book to create conversation. Interesting idea, but a majority of people aren’t going to do it.

There was a couple at my work having drinks, girl went to the toilet, came back and admitted that she’d been sleeping with the guy’s brother. Apparently glasses were thrown across the room and they both got kicked out.

When we went to the supermarket to shop for groceries for the first time. It wasn’t anything big or exciting, but we still had the nicest time together. It was so easy to see magic even in the mundane.

Amy Schumer did one of those “tell me something I don’t know” tweets. I was one of the first to reply “comedy”. Annndddd blocked.

My son: Today is the day I’m going to die.
Me: What??
Him: Oh no mom don’t worry, not today, but on this date some other year.

There were four sets of breathing, including mine. Counted again, and again, four sets, mine, my two friends, and some… thing? someone? else. This repeated every night for the four nights we stayed there, and in my culture, we don’t mention the supernatural in case they notice we notice them, so I suffered those nights alone.

My silence doesn’t mean there’s something wrong.

I have no idea why some women think it’s cute to have Snapchat filters on their online dating profiles. I’m trying to see your presentable yet natural look, not you looking like an animal!

A friend told me that vaginas can rip when women give birth and that blew my mind. Why do women deal with us?

She wears my clothes. I love it. No idea why. I guess it makes me feel protective or something.

I woke up with a handprint on my chest and back after a night of good sleep, and I have no idea how it got there. I was home alone for the night, and the handprints were bigger than mine.