1. A movie? I’ll get there 45 minutes early to make sure I have enough time to buy tickets and snacks. A doctor’s appointment? Better leave an hour early to make sure I get there in time to fill out any paperwork that might be needed before I go in. Going somewhere with a friend? Well I better show up early just in case they show up early, I don’t wanna leave them standing around awkwardly. Plus, what if there’s some freak traffic event that holds me up for 20 minutes?
2. “Why are you texting me so late?” — Me, getting a text after 10:00-10:30
3. I get excited when I buy household items like a panini maker and glade plugins. New socks are always cool too.
4. I have strong opinions on the best time to go grocery shopping in order to avoid crowded parking lots and long lines. Strong opinions.
Also I make people food when they are having a rough time.
5. Stand up? Groan. Sit down? Groan. Move a fraction of an inch to grab the remote or something similarly small? Groan. All groans are involuntary. They just happen. I groan a lot. I don’t know why. I don’t know when it started. I don’t know if it’ll stop.
6. TALK TO MYSELF AS I DO THINGS.. oh my God it’s like I’m my frigging father and father in law.. I’m self aware of it as well. Co workers give me a good busting about it too.
“OK so now I need to go to the drawer here and grab the cutting board. Onions. Where’s the good knife?” So I can stab my eyes out cause I’m like an old man already.
7. Get angry at rowdy college kids being loud after 11pm on weekends despite being a rowdy college kid with rowdy college friends in the not so distant past.
Now that I think about it, really anything that disturbs my peace sort of rubs me the wrong way…. what have I become?
8. Sneak out of parties to go home.
9. I don’t know the names of current famous people like actors and actresses. If you read the credits of the main cast of the top ten movies this year I would bet I could recognize maybe a 1/4 of them.
10. Catch the “early bird specials” at local restaurants. First to arrive for Happy Hour. Matinee Movies. Speak my mind. Tell the neighborhood thugs to “Get Off My Lawn” and let them know I mean it. Take well deserved naps in the afternoon. Make fun of younger folks that can’t keep up with me when walking the mall.
11. Watch everything with the subtitles on.
12. I bake. A lot. Like an unholy amount, I really need to open a business…
13. We watch the last thirty minutes of the news, wheel of fortune, and then jeopardy consecutively every weekday. We get cranky if an unavoidable errand interrupts this.
14. Go to bed at 9pm.
15. Turn down the music in my car so I can see better.
Also listen to CDs in my car occasionally.
16. Walk into a room with no idea what I was intending to do. Also a bountiful quantity of Don’t Give a Fuck for mid-20s.
17. Drinking red wine while cooking.
Listening to relaxing music while reading.
18. Taking up a booth in a restaurant by myself. Book/newspaper and coffee at hand.
19. I wear bedroom shoes (better for foot health than hardwood floors in bare feet).
20. Grunt when sitting up/down, especially getting out of the car, complain about noise as long as I’m not making it, say kids spend too much time on their phones but I’m always on mine too. I could go on.
21. I drink gallons of tea . Like a lot of it.
22. Being annoyingly slow when paying for things.
23. I wear a robe around the house pretty much all the time, along with some pants I have made out of robe material.
24. I expect to go on a few dates with a woman before sex.
25. Set my keys in the same spot so I always know where to find them.
26. News is my only channel, I love newspaper and books (have waited in line for midnight releases), go to bed around 9, 10 if I’m feeling crazy, and my go to drink is Gin and Tonic.
27. I don’t understand kid’s taste in music nowadays. I’m still in my 20’s.
28. I wear earplugs in loud places. I’m not damaging my hearing ANY MORE than I already have done.
29. Wake up to pee – every fucking night.
30. Talking to myself and saying “that’s a good deal” while I’m at the dollar tree.
31. I prefer to use cash for my day to day transactions. It’s way easier to budget myself and I still have debit and credit cards to fall back on for bigger purchases.
32. Drink alone.
33. If a place is unnecessarily noisy. I don’t go there. I like my peace and quiet.
34. I’m just at the point now where I’m falling behind on the latest slang terms and meme references… And when I come across something new I get mildly frustrated and think it’s stupid.
Damn kids and their yeet this and lowkey that! shakes fist
35. Drive the speed limit in the right hand lane.
Comfort over Fashion.
36. Prefer music in the car decently loud and not blaring.
37. View anyone be younger than me with thinly veiled suspicion.
38. Put my glasses on the end of my nose and look over them at you. I have farsightedness.
39. Bitch about the temperature setting on the thermostat and all the lights being on with nobody in the room.
40. Get annoyed at new things I don’t understand.
41. I’ve gotten into succulents/cacti.
Quite enjoy listening to jazz music sometimes.
42. Like Mr. rogers, I have a more casual/comfortable coming home outfit I put on the moment I get back from work.
43. When it’s too rainy or icy outside, I go to the mall for my daily walk.
44. I cut open tubes of toothpaste when they are ’empty’ to get more out of them. I have also caught myself reusing ziploc baggies. Not sure if this is classified as old or cheap but I learned both from my Grandma.
45. I crochet, like a mad woman and I use those old lady hair clips with the twist on the back of my head. But to spice it up I play some rap to get a good pace going.
46. Get angry when children scream and run around loudly in stores. It’s not a god damn playground.
47. I’ve started making involuntary noises when exerting minimal effort.
I peek out my blinds when I hear noise to see what is going on.
I yearn for the day when I buy a house so I can yell at children to get off my lawn.
I use the word yearn outside of a Seinfeld reference.
I make Seinfeld references.
48. I refer to my knees as my “good knee” And my “bad knee.”
49. Use blankets on the couch even when it’s warm.
50. My brother has been an old man since he was little.
He liked to carry a walking stick at school (he did not need it, just wanted it) and at least once a week in the third and fourth grade he’d bring a thermos of hot tea and drink it with homemade biscotti at lunch.
…My brother might be Bobby Hill, now that I think about it.
51. Use too many ellipses in texts.
52. Dinner by 5. I come home ravenous and just can’t help myself. How people eat dinner at 8 is beyond me.
53. Nap. I used to think as a kid, I would never do this. Damn, do I love a good nap.
54. Crosswords. Give me a crossword book, a warm drink, and some nice, relaxing music, and that’s a perfectly comfortable Friday night for me.
55. Pause and rewind movies because I didn’t hear a thing they said, even though I’m alone in the room and the television is at a reasonable volume.
56. I rarely stay out late on weekends. I’d rather start my day at 11 or noon and be home by 8.
57. I wear my pants unreasonably high on my waist. So comfy!
58. Give the “1000 yard stare” or w/e at every window, on every swinging chair, on every balcony, just sit or stand their and stare at nothingness for a couple minutes to an hour.
59. I pat myself down before I leave the house. Wallet… yep, keys… yep, phone… yep.
60. I am prompt. Aggressively prompt. I very much dislike being late to stuff. If you tell me to meet you at 6. I will be there at 6. If you want to go to dinner at 7. I will be there with table at exactly 7. If you’re having a party and you don’t want people to come until 8, so you tell everyone to be there at 7:30, I’m going to be there at seven fucking thirty. If you didn’t want me to be there until 8, don’t tell me to be there until 8.