1. I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get “saved” or else you will “burn.” Stupid firemen.
2. I was abducted by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
3. Anyone can get buried when they die, if you want to be cremated you have to urn it.
4. I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
5. 6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.
6. Dad: Someone among us is an owl.
Dad: *Narrows eyes suspiciously*
7. Why shouldn’t you wear glasses when you play football? Because it’s a contact sport.
8. I haven’t been to the gym in so long I’ve gone back to calling it James.
9. I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!
10. Are you feeling cold? Sit in the corner, it is 90 degrees.
11. I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
12. You know why you never see an elephant hiding in a tree? Because they’re very good at it.
13. Why do flamingos lift up one leg? Because if they lift both they would fall.
14. I’d like to give a shout out to sidewalks, for keeping me off the street.
15. Why did the blind man fall into the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
16. Southerners can do great civil war voice impressions… General Lee speaking.
17. You know Orion’s Belt? Big waist of space, huh? Didn’t like that joke? That’s okay… it’s only got 3 stars.
18. I love dad jokes, but I don’t have kids. Does that make me a Faux Pa?
19. Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in.
20. I took up origami for a while, but I gave it up because it was too much paperwork.
21. Do your socks have holes in them?
Then how’d you get your feet in them?
22. Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colors? He had a reptile dysfunction.
23. If a child doesn’t want to take a nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
24. What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. Jk, Rolling.
25. How do you organize a party in space? You planet.
26. I love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back.
27. Two helium atoms walk into a bar. He He.
28. I lost 25% of my roof last night. oof.
29. What’s blue and not heavy? Light blue.
30. If a computer could sing what would its name be? A dell.
31. What does Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They both have the same middle name.
32. A magician was walking down the street. Then, he turned into a grocery store.
33. Someone broke in last night and stole all my anti-depressants. I hope they’re happy.
34. Hey what does a pirate say when he’s 80? Aye matey.
35. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter.
36. What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.
37. I like to tell cheesy jokes, but all my friends are laughtose intolerant.
38. What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits the windshield? Its ass.
39. You know what’s the tallest building? The library, because it has the most stories.
40. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
41. How do you know when a joke is a Dad joke? When it’s apparent…
42. What do you call a wingless fly? A walk.
43. Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines!
44. Why are mountains so funny? Because they are hill areas (hilarious).
45. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
46. Do you know why I never trust stairs? Because they are always up to something.
47. What’s green, furry, has 4 legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree onto you? A pool table.
48. Dad: Did you know that the people living nearby actually can’t be buried in that cemetery?
Dad: Because they’re not dead yet.
49. What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
50. Waiter: How do you like your eggs?
Dad: I don’t know, I haven’t gotten them yet!