1. The Mist. Literally, because all you had to do was bunker down and not go the fuck outside till the military showed up.
2. It. I’m not a child. And knowing that something would grow more powerful the more I fear it would probably cause some sort of reaction where I stop fearing it out of spite
3. The Purge. It’s been shown that the Purge’s main purpose is to kill political figures, as well as people with grudges.
I’m nobody to nobody, so I’ll just run into a wooded area with lots of growth, and sleep in a bush until Purge is over.
No one is looking for me, and no one is searching the woods unless they chase someone into them. Purge is next week? Yeah, I’m going camping.
4. Unfriended. I’d have better computer skills than whoever the main character was and I wouldn’t act nearly as dumb about the whole situation.
5. Nightmare On Elm Street. My nightmares would rip Freddy to fucking shreds, thanks ptsd!
6. Hellraiser. The cenobites, for being interdimensional torture demons, are fairly easily tricked.
They even say “no more of your tricks, I will tear your soul apart.” And then they immediately get tricked again.
Also, I have a strict policy of not fucking with anything that shady men with dirty fingernails sell me. Zappy golden puzzlebox? Nope, I’ll just play my vidya, thanks.
7. Silence of the Lambs. I’m not rude, so I’m safe from Dr. Lecter and I’m the wrong size for Buffalo Bill.
8. Night of the Living Dead, anything with your original zombies.
I own guns, they’re really dumb, and their max speed is a brisk walk.
9. The Babadook, I’d volunteer at the local library to read the book to a group of children, maybe make some copies and spread it around. He’d be so busy at that point he might have to re think his career choice.
10. Get Out, because I’m listening to my friend when they give me a warning.
11. As Above So Below. Cause fuck going into cursed catacombs.
12. Sixth Sense. There’s literally n0 life threatening parts in it. All the scary people are already dead.
13. A Stranger Calls. I don’t answer calls from numbers I don’t know.
14. The Blob. It’s a slow-moving blob that has to touch you to absorb you. You know where I’m not? Anywhere within 100 miles of wherever this thing. In my car, and gone.
Military, do your thing. Once you drop it off to stay frozen deep in the Atlantic, let me know, I’m sure there’ll be new job openings when I come back home.
15. Jeepers Creepers. Fucking idiots decide to investigate someone quite obviously shoving a dead body into a basement, in the middle of nowhere, without calling the police or letting anyone know where they are. AFTER that same creepy person tried his best to run them off the road. Fuuuck that.
16. Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark. Those things are six inches tall! All you need is a golf club or hockey stick, and one of those LED headlamps that last 1,000 hours.
17. Ma. Just don’t go back to the bitch’s house.
18. The Strangers. The characters pissed me off the whole time. First of all, DON’T SPLIT UP. Also, TURN ON THE FUCKING LIGHTS. Then grab the guns, camp out in the middle of the house, and wait for the killers to either leave or come for you, then blow their brains out.
19. If I were in A Quiet Place, I’d live next to that waterfall.
20. Blair Witch Project. “We’re filming where? Looking for what? Oh ok I’m not coming to that.”
21. The Mummy. I can’t read hieroglyphics, so I’d look at the Book of the Dead, go “neat book!” and walk away, so the Mummy would stay asleep.
22. Jaws. Stay on land, problem solved.
“Excuse me, that room’s haunted…”
“Cool, thanks for the tip.”
I immediately seek a separate hotel.
24. Scream. I hated parties when I was a teenager and when kids started getting knocked off, I’d have gotten the hell out of town and stayed with my Dad. He has guns!
25. Teeth. Don’t sexually assault women and you’re golden.
26. Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It’s Texas, I’d just find someone with a gun or a gun store and arm up.
27. It Follows. I don’t ever get laid.
28. Halloween. I’m pretty sure I could outrun Michael Myers. Do I get to hear the music? That would increase my survival rate 100%
29. The Invitation. Because I never get invited to anything.
30. The Descent. “Well those are some well prepared young ladies who look to be off spelunking…” as I drive on by. Blink and you miss me!
31. Predator as long as I don’t pick up a weapon it will leave me alone.
32. The Shining. I’m about staycations.
33. Shaun of the Dead. I’d just get myself a nice cold pint, and wait for all of it to blow over.