Because I was trying to convince him to date me. There were sparks between us — but he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. Instead of heeding his warning and saving my heart, I decided to take a risk on him anyway. I thought sleeping with him would change his mind about me. I thought it would make him realize how much he cared about me. I thought it would get me stuck in his head until he had no choice except to ask me to become his official girlfriend. I was wrong.
Because we were already dating. I felt like sleeping with him was part of the deal. The insecure voice in the back of my mind told me he would leave without sex. I would give myself permission to turn him down every once in a while, but I would never say no too many days in a row. I would never let him go too long without crawling on top of me. Sex felt like a chore at times — but it seemed like something I had to do to keep him around.
Because I was feeling insecure. I wanted to feel pretty. I wanted to feel valued. I wanted a reminder of my worth. Instead of taking the time to self-reflect and figure out how to solve my insecurities, I took the easiest route. I sent a text. I met up with someone. I slept with him to fill a void. It helped in the moment, but as soon as it was over, I went right back to feeling like the same insecure mess.
Because I was trying to get over someone else. A crush turned me down and it made me feel unattractive, unlovable. I wanted to erase the rejection from my mind. I wanted to feel wanted. So I found someone else who wanted me — but it didn’t help. I was thinking about my crush the entire time.
Because he was attractive. I couldn’t believe someone as good looking as him was interested in someone like me. He could pick any woman he wanted. I assumed that meant he would know what he was doing in the bedroom. It turned out, it meant he was selfish. It meant he thought he could get away with doing absolutely nothing.
Because I was trying to distract myself from reality. I slept with him for the same reason someone drinks, smokes, stuffs their face with junk food. It was a way to distract myself from my problems. It was a way to escape for a little while. And it worked. For a little while.
Because I never knew how good sex could be. Before meeting my current partner, I had no idea what I deserved inside or outside the bedroom. I had no idea what my body was capable of feeling. Before him, I had low standards. I let men get away with thrusting twice and calling it sex. I wasn’t spoiled back then, so I took what I could get. But that is never going to happen again — and you shouldn’t let it happen to you either.