Dr. Robert Doback: When I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur, I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world, I made my arms short and I roamed the back yard, I chased the neighborhood cats, I growled and I roared, everybody knew me and was afraid of me, and one day my dad said “Bobby you are 17, it’s time to throw childish things aside” and I said “OK Pop”, but he didn’t really say that he said that “Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job”.
Dale Doback: Okay, here’s the shot out of the cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta fuck one, marry one, kill one, go!
Dale Doback: The only reason you’re living here is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we’ll put up with the retard in the meantime.
Derek: I have to sell or lease at last 80 helicopters to make my nut. And you… You mess with my nut, Brennan, Randy here is gonna eat your dick.
Randy: Like Kobayashi.
Randy: [makes eating noise]
Derek: I’ve seen him do it.
Brennan Huff: You’ve actually seen him eating a man’s penis?
Derek: It was in international waters, so they couldn’t prosecute him. But I saw it.
Dale Doback: Why do you have Randy Jackson’s autograph on a martial arts weapon?
Brennan Huff: Cause I bumped into him and all I had on me was this samurai sword… And you’re not gonna not get Randy Jackson’s autograph, Right?
Dale Doback: I would’ve done the exact same thing.
Brennan Huff: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!
Dale Doback: Dad, what are you doing? It’s Shark Week.
Brennan Huff: I have a green belt… read it and weep.
Dale Doback: I don’t believe in belts.
Dale Doback: Hey. Are you awake?
Brennan Huff: Yeah.
Dale Doback: I can’t believe we actually have to move out of this house.
Brennan Huff: I know. I feel bad.
Dale Doback: Hey, you know, we don’t have to whisper anymore. Mom and Dad aren’t here.
Brennan Huff: Yeah, but can we keep doing it, though? It helps me pretend that they are.
Derek: I am the VP of the biggest executive helicopter leasing company on the western seaboard. I haven’t had a carb since 2004. Check these out.
[Points to ab muscles]
Derek: See these? See these boys? This is what I live with, every day. I lather this up with Kiehls in the shower. You want to touch this shit?
Dale Doback: No.
Derek: You want to touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen.
Dr. Robert Doback: [they start getting hot and heavy] My name is Robert, and I play racquetball. I collect coins.
Dr. Robert Doback: Sweet Jesus! I love Korean food!
Nancy Huff: [breathing heavily] I am Nancy Huff; I know how to make Tandoori Chicken.
Nancy Huff: I contribute to NPR every single year…
Nancy Huff: … and I love the movies of Rob Reiner! Pilates changed my life!
[they continue making out while stripping off their clothes]
Dr. Robert Doback: [they make out on the bed] I have a boat, and I wanna retire and sail around the world…
Nancy Huff: Oh, I LOVE the sea!
[they kiss and embrace each other]
Dr. Robert Doback: And I drive a Mercedes and I have a 40-year-old son, Dale, who still lives at home!
Nancy Huff: [rises from the bed and looks down at him, shocked] What did you *just* say?
Dr. Robert Doback: [sulks] Oh! I knew I shouldn’t have told you that!
Nancy Huff: I have a 39-year-old son named Brennan- who still lives at home with me!
[they begin to have sex]
Dr. Robert Doback: [at his wedding ceremony] I would like to thank all of you… for being here with us on this fantastic, wonderful day! And I would like to raise my glass; Dale and I wanna welcome you to our home with open arms!
Dale Doback: [abruptly gets up out of his chair and throws his plate, rolling his eyes] UGH! Get a room, Dad!
Dr. Robert Doback: [as Dale walks out] Oh for chris- Dale!
Derek: What if I were to tell you that I could sell this house… for 30 percent above market?
Dr. Robert Doback: That’d be great. Could you do it?
Derek: Yeah. In a heartbeat, Robby. Look, I got my real-estate license a few years back for shits and gigs. I’d even do it for four-fifths commish… because you know what really gets my dick hard? Helping out my friends.
Brennan Huff: I’m so scared right now. I’m just gonna to do what’s sensible, I’m gonna file for unemployment. Then I’m gonna try to get a job at Enterprise Rent-A-Car, because they got an excellent corporate structure and they… *they* give *you* the tools to be your own boss.
Dale Doback: I manage a baseball team.
Nancy Huff: Oh, little league?
Dale Doback: Fantasy league.
Dale Doback: We’re in the bathroom!
Alice: This’ll just take a minute. There’s really little you can do about it. Let me just hop on.
[suddenly opens his pants and mounts him against the wall]
Dale Doback: It’s all slippery!
Dr. Robert Doback: You have one month to find jobs or you’re out on your asses. I will arrange interviews for Monday and you will go!
Dale Doback: Dad, why are you talking to me like this? I’m your son.
Dr. Robert Doback: I’m not buying that crap anymore!
Nancy Huff: [During Christmas Dinner. Tiffany is 12] What about you Tiffany, what did you get for Christmas?
Tiffany: I got this Mikimoto pearl necklace, but next year I’m gonna ask Santa for breast implants because I’m impatient with my body.
Brennan Huff: This house is a fucking prison!
Dale Doback: On Planet Bullshit!
Brennan Huff: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!
Dale Doback: Why are you so sweaty?
Brennan Huff: I was watching Cops.
Brennan Huff: I’m not gonna call him Dad.
Nancy Huff: Brennan, you’re 39 years old. I wouldn’t expect you to call him Dad.
Brennan Huff: Well I’m not going to, *ever*! Even if there’s a fire!
Dale Doback: You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.
Brennan Huff: You’re not a doctor… you’re a big, fat, curly-headed fuck!
Dale Doback: Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I’m looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes ” Oh my god, I’ve had the old bull now I want the young calf” and she grabs me by the weiner.
Dr. Robert Doback: Shut the fuck up!
Male Therapist: So, Dale. I don’t know how much you know about therapy, but it usually starts by you telling me a little something about yourself.
Dale Doback: I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I’m smarter than most of the people who go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard like half an equation and… I just figure it out.
Male Therapist: Is this Good Will Hunting?
Dale Doback: No.
Male Therapist: It sounds a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting.
Dale Doback: Yeah, anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck…
Dr. Robert Doback: You jagaloons! You’re failures! FAILURES!
Brennan Huff: Hey, you’re embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck!
Nancy Huff: Brennan.
Brennan Huff: Two things: You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She’s a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000.
Nancy Huff: Oh, stop it! Stop it right…
Brennan Huff: Or I’m gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass…
Nancy Huff: Brennan!
Brennan Huff: …you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!
Brennan Huff: I swear, I’m so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she’s of age, I’m putting her in a home.
Dale Doback: I’m just saying, you need to think about your options. I know you two are technically married but that does not mean that they have to live here.
Dr. Robert Doback: Dale, I think it’s time for a change. For both of us.
Dale Doback: Dad, we’re men. That means a few things – we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That’s what we do, and now that is all wrecked.
Dr. Robert Doback: We literally have never done any of those things.
Dale Doback: Brennan you’re alive! Oh my God!
Brennan Huff: I know. I’m alive.
Dale Doback: You were dead. I saw you die.
Brennan Huff: I was faking. I used ninja focus to slow my heart rate down.
Denise: So, I thought we’d begin talking about your parents’ divorce.
Brennan Huff: Okay.
Denise: How old were you when they got divorced?
Brennan Huff: Fifteen.
Denise: That’s a hard age.
Brennan Huff: Yes. Yeah.
Denise: Do you want to talk about some of those feelings?
Brennan Huff: I love you.
Denise: Obviously… you don’t know me.
Brennan Huff: I love you so much.
Denise: Thank you, and I will take that as a feeling that you have of… comfortability with me.
Brennan Huff: It’s more than comfortability. I mean, I fuckin’ love you.
Denise: Okay, I… think…
Brennan Huff: I’m just thinking about our life together. I feel like I’m walking on a cloud. My penis is tingling right now.
Denise: That is so… off-putting.
Brennan Huff: You’re not feeling this?
Denise: In no way, shape, or form do I feel any feelings of intimacy towards you in any way whatsoever.
Brennan Huff: You know what? I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.
Dale Doback: Yeah, I got ’em from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. It’s like masturbating in a time machine.
Derek: You can have some dope parties on this lawn.
Second Homebuyer Husband: You don’t have to talk like that. You can just say it’s nice.
Derek: Nah, that’s how I talk. Look at this door, it’s fresh.
Nancy Huff: Brennan, Denise called and she said she can’t spend New Years Eve with you because she’s not your girlfriend she’s your therapist
Brennan Huff: Is that what she said? She’s a rascal.
Dale Doback: [Talking to an employment agency worker] Look, I wanna’ be honest with you. I really need a job. And, I will take any position – as long as it doesn’t involve having sex with old ladies for money, or bear traps. Those are my two bugaboos.