31 Men And Women Share The Gross, Awkward, And Hilarious Things They’ve Heard In Bed

via twenty20/lavandasogni
via twenty20/lavandasogni


Put his hand over my mouth and said: “Shhhh. Every time you talk, it goes down.”


One time things were getting hot and heavy with my girlfriend, she whispers my name into my ear, and, for some reason, I still don’t know why, I proceed to whisper my own name back into her ear. Extremely sensually.

Needless to say, no sex was had that night.


“Did the dog just shit in the kitchen?”

Yes, he did, he fucking did.


Girl taps on dick and says “is this thing on?” While holding it like a microphone.


Not me, but an old friend of mine.

Really quiet, soft-spoken, polite guy. A total gentleman and a graduate student in the liberal arts. Also, pretty inexperienced, tentative, and vanilla sexually.

He’s dating this really cool girl for maybe two months. She is much kinkier in bed. She floats the idea of dirty talk, and apparently likes to be objectified, even demeaned a bit, from time to time. He’s hesitant, but wants to please her and doesn’t dismiss the idea outright. Changes the subject and figures that they’ll revisit the idea another time.

Anyway…they have sex a few days later for the first time since the conversation. Really going at it doggystyle, and she tells him to talk dirty to her. He says that he can’t think of anything to say, so he says nothing, and she then repeats the request, but the second time she is not fucking requesting, but demanding it.

He comes up with: “Yeah…you like that, you fucking retard?”

He’s never struck me as one for embellishment, so I believe him. He said that was it for sex that night, although they are still together two years on now.


I asked for dirty talk and he too was quite inexperienced and vanilla. He came out with “you have a beautiful slut face.”


My boyfriend did something similar. I like dirty talk and one particular frisky encounter resulted in him calling me “a fucking slug.” He was going for slag but felt that was too much so wanted to change it to slut- yet out came slug. We had to stop because I was laughing so much. It still makes me giggle now.


A female friend of mine who is also very shy, was ushered to dirty talk to her boyfriend. She had never done it before and so what came out of her mouth was:

“Oh yes! Take me, you fucking tranny!”

Apparently not what he expected..


He called me his wife’s name. I did not know he was married.


He said, “What the fuck is that on my dick?”

It was a giant blood clot, thanks uterus.


Not the worst but definitely weird. My GF’s brother and I have the same name. After learning this amazing fact, the next few times we had sex his face would pop into my mind whenever she called out my name.


I said this once after about 10 pumps: “SURPRISE!” Then I came all over her stomach. It was to cover my embarrassment at coming so quickly.


My boyfriend said “peepee sad” after a series of giggle fits during sex. He then got up and hit me in the eye with his dick.


“That was my hip.”

I apparently dislocated her hip. That put an end to the evening’s festivities.


I said this to a girl once on accident but she probably doesn’t use this site so oh well. She was a bigger girl but I didn’t mind at all. We were going at it with foreplay and such for a little before I started fucking her from behind and while I did I grabbed her love handles for support. Well apparently she wasn’t pleased that I did because she looks back at me and tells me not to grab her fat and sadly the only thing I thought to say was “That doesn’t leave me much to work with.”


I once drunkenly hooked up with a guy I’d been friends with for a couple of years. We were at a party at his place and the music was loud enough to be heard from the bedroom so we didn’t turn any on when we started fooling around. Everything was going great, we had moved onto the actual sex, when he starts…softly singing. It’s not the song that’s playing out in the living room either, he just decided to start singing, and he’s getting louder and louder until he’s really belting it out – “BYYYYE BYE MISS AMERICAN PIE, DROVE MY CHEVY TO THE LEVEE BUT THE LEVEE WAS DRY!” It was…it was odd.


Back in high school, my boyfriend at the time stopped in the middle of it to look down at me and seductively whisper “damn….you do look just like your mom.” And then kept going!!! I mean come on really????


My now husband said he loved me the first time we had sex. We hadn’t been dating that long. He denies it but I swear it happened.


Immediately after: “Well, it was better than nothing.”


“You’re an 8 in the dark!” or “You remind me of my ex and it makes me uncomfortable…could you leave?”


Not during sex, during foreplay. Was with a girl I was interested in, it was our second “date” (really, just the second time we hung out) and we ended up parked in a secluded spot. We hopped into the back seat and started getting frisky. After a bit she stripped completely naked, and made clear she wanted to have sex. Thought I’d go in for a bit of muff-diving before the main event, I enjoy it, and usually girls do too. So I started heading south, and just before I got to it she pulls my head up and says “no, please, I only let my friends do that”.


I mean, if you don’t want cunnilingus fine, just tell me, but the absurdity of the “I only let my friends do that” just killed the mood and I couldn’t get back into it. We talked a few more times after, but that was essentially it for us….


A girl I was with said, “My sister is so much prettier than me,” followed swiftly by tears.


“That’s my stomach.”

It was my first time and she was a bit overweight, I just stuck it where it felt the best.


Oh man. My then-boyfriend (I’m a girl) and I were going at it. I’m super into dirty talk, and I was really into it, and blurted out “I can’t wait to put my cock in your mouth.”

We had to take a 20-second timeout for release the giggle fits, and then commenced again.


One time my girlfriend at the time was blowing me on the couch and the Discovery channel was on Tv on mute, half way through I said. “look at the size of that fish” she looked up at me and just stopped. I am not a smart man.


During a session with my girlfriend at the time, who I was thoroughly in love with:

“I love the way you feel inside me, you’re the biggest I’ve ever had-I almost feel bad for the next guy I end up with.”

My sense of security wasn’t the only thing deflated at that moment.


“Let me know when you cum so I can fake an orgasm at the same time”


“It feels smaller than it looks…”


Hitting it doggy style, going hard, she randomly screams “fuck me like you paid for it.”


Two nights ago, about halfway through, this girl asked if I was a virgin. As a college guy, this was basically the biggest blow to my self-confidence I can think of…


“I hope this helps my period come, I’ve never been this late.” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

More From Thought Catalog