I Don’t Have A Boyfriend Because I Don’t Need One

The reason I don’t have a boyfriend is simple: I don’t need one. Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t want one. But recently, I started to grasp that wanting vs. needing a boyfriend has a massive impact on my current relationship status.

I’m passionate, sensitive, and opinionated.

I recognize that those character traits can be a lot for me or anyone around me. But I’m not going to hide any of that to align with someone else’s expectations. I’m not going to conform to the outdated definition of what a woman’s role in a relationship typically used to be not too long ago: a good girl.

You know, the girl that does what she’s supposed to do, or the girl that is extremely likable, or the girl that makes your friends jealous, or the perfect girl, or the chill girl, or the super-down-to-earth girl, or the supermodel girl, or the girl that’s always smiling—any girl but a real girl.

If we’re talking about a heterosexual couple, historically, the male dictates his needs and wants to the female in the relationship. Sure, we’ve shifted dramatically and made a lot of change, but my instinct can’t help but tell me that there is still a large percentage of men that are afraid of a push towards gender equality. My gut tells me that there are a lot of men that prioritize their ego before all else and may buy into the idea of equality. That is, until the moment they start to feel like less of a man and they begin to worry about what kind of message it sends to bystanders.

My theory is that a lot of women that find themselves without a relationship are typically women that look for relationship partners they want to spend their lives with. These same women are the real women, the women that don’t fit into the idea of a good girl, an obedient girl. By fighting any energy that opposes this unbalanced perception, sometimes it leaves them lonely, isolated, and without a committed relationship.

A lot of women that need a relationship typically are in one because they made the decision to give the nod to the most recent person that wanted to enter a relationship with them. Maybe it was to have someone or maybe it was to have someone that looked good to other people. It doesn’t matter if he’s only in love with the idea of women and only cares about the impact a woman has on how the world sees him. These women will change the way their face looks, the tone of their voice, the subjects they talk about, their beliefs, their priorities, and what they’ll provide to maintain the relationship. A woman who needs a relationship has one singular goal of finding someone, anyone, to be with forever—to get to the end of the marriage rainbow finish line.

I think that’s a big part of why women typically have a harder time finding relationships than men—because so many of us have progressed forward, and it hasn’t matched the number of men that have moved along with us. Perhaps that is an assumption—it’s an opinion, definitely, but I don’t believe it’s that far off.

I don’t buy into the narratives I see on screen or the marketing pitches streamed on social media.

I want to love because I’ve felt love.

I want passion because I’ve felt passion.

I want connection because I’ve felt connection.

I want companionship because I’ve felt companionship.

I need to acknowledge that I want all of these things, because that means I don’t need them. This entirely affects my approach to dating as a 2020-twenty-something, and it may change your approach too.

It makes it especially harder for women that want a relationship because dating, relationships, intimacy, and commitment have all grown modernly casual to match divorce rates, the normalization of cheating, and the speed that life changes right now. Collectively, I think we’re putting on more armor every day so that we don’t end up becoming the person that gets hurt in a relationship. It seems like there is always one person that gets hurts, so we have a lot of people ensuring that it’s not them the only way they can: by hurting someone else.

Maybe you’re single because your mind, energy, or strength is needed elsewhere right now.

Maybe you’re single because you need to improve the relationship dynamic with yourself before you move onto anything else.

Maybe you’re single because the people you’ve dated haven’t been worthy of your commitment.

Maybe you’re single because someone hurt you and you have to heal from that heartbreak before you open yourself up again fully.

Whatever the circumstance, acknowledge how empowering it truly is to not be in a relationship. Being able to stand alone in a world that makes it easy not to is one of the healthiest things you can do. In my opinion (remember, I told you I was opinionated), you’re going to end up with someone extraordinary for having the strength to understand the difference between a need and a want. It means you’re resilient and you’re going to invite someone into your life just as empowering as you.

You’re going to enter a relationship that’s worth your heart with someone you respect that respects you too.

You don’t need a boyfriend, and that’s precisely what’ll ensure that you find the right guy instead of a perfect guy.

About the author
Order my book "Put The Damn Phone Down" available now on Amazon. Follow Alyssa on Instagram or read more articles from Alyssa on Thought Catalog.

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