1. He’s constantly abbreviating words in everyday conversation.
Trajectory becomes “traject”, Starbucks becomes “Starbs” or “Bucks.” Major is “maj” and even abbreviate is too long and has since been shortened to “abbrev.” Instead of asking you to make him some coffee he’ll say things like, “Babe can you fire up the ‘rig?” (Translation: Turn on the Keurig please, Lucy. Because Davis is too busy deciding if he wants to wear his LL Bean Vest or his Patagonia Vest to work today.)
2. He’s deleted an Instagram because the filter setting wasn’t on point with his aesthetic.
He’s a classic double filter fiend (VSCO and Afterlight, duuuuuhhhhh) and if he looks at it on his page as a whole and it throws off the balance? Outta there. Can’t be posting yet ANOTHER scenic shot of your vacation that was over two weeks ago. Please.
3. He’s ducked away from your touch because he didn’t want you to fuck up his hair.
You’ve also heard him nickname his hair. Lettuce, the wave, the goods. Even though he was born with it it’s basically his prized possession. So keep your paws off of it, Kelsey. He spent a good 25 minutes perfecting that coif before you went to spend $16 on craft cocktails out in public and now is NOT the time.
4. He has a brunch squad.
He calls them his “boys” and makes it sound like they play basketball and shit but really, all they end up doing on Saturdays/Sundays is getting loaded on $15 bottomless mimosas (aka: “mimos”) and high-five Dillon for having 6 minute sex the night before while Todd complains about how much Lauren’s been spending at Pottery Barn on stuff for the “holidays.” (Aka: “hollys”)
5. Every activity is described as getting something “on.”
“Gonna go get my gym on.”
“Gotta get my ‘gram on.”
“Let’s get this dinz (aka: dinner) on.”
6. He owns one of the J Crew Gingham Button Downs.
You know which one I’m talking about.
7. He doesn’t bitch that much about going to spin and things with you because he’ll get to make Twitter jokes about it.
He maintains that it’s really great for his brand.
8. He worries about his brand.
It doesn’t matter that Chase went to school for mass comm and now works in a cubicle in some sort of marketing position, he’s still pretty sure that Playboy (or at the very least, BroBible) will pick up one of his tweets and he’ll become MEGA famous.
9. You’ve heard him refer to himself, even ironically, as “daddy.”
And he still doesn’t understand why that’s creepy.
10. He sincerely thinks that Miles Teller would be his best friend.
Miles Teller is to the basic bro, what Jennifer Lawrence (or Taylor Swift, it depends on the girl) is to the basic chick.
11. You are 99.9% sure some of the books/art/décor in his place he only bought to make himself look more original.
He doesn’t read Vonnegut — his favorite book is checking his fantasy league. He doesn’t listen to vintage vinyl — you caught him jamming to “Sorry” in the car after you ran inside to get smoothies last Tuesday. He doesn’t watch foreign films — his favorite movie is That Awkward Moment (shoutout to Miles). Catching on?
12. He constantly talks about how drunk he got last weekend, but truth is even two glasses of rosé with your parents will knock him out.
But even then, he’s still going to whine about his bitchin’ hangover. (Aka: his hungsies)