GEMINI: Leave it to the Twins to always do things halfway—when it comes to psychic ability, you’re somewhere between Miss Cleo and a mortar brick.
LIBRA: You are the purest and most beautiful of angels. You’re so pure, sometimes God asks you for advice. Even God says, “OK, I get it—you’re good—but maybe take it down a notch, because you make everyone else feel guilty.”
CANCER: Everyone better duck when your crab claws come out! If you feel you’ve been wronged, you won’t go in for the kill. You’ll just pick and poke and nag and needle until your target has lost the will to live.
ARIES: You’re the one who’s passed out on the floor because you “won” the drinking contest. Depending on what time of night it is, your friends may or may not have already drawn a mustache on your face with a Sharpie.
LEO: For you, love happens in the twinkling of an eye—just blink, and you’re in love.
GEMINI: You’ve never kept a dollar past sunset. You might not even have a bank account. You don’t know your credit score, and it may be lower than your IQ.
SAGITTARIUS: Now we’re finally entering the Bitch Zone, and Sags can be some headstrong bitches. She will dig her heels in the ground until they get stuck there.
How can you tell a Gemini is lying? Because her lips are moving!
SCORPIO: He stands before you fully clothed in his business suit. Item by item, you command him to undress….