1. You sleep in a bed with your laptop and a pile of books and magazines. Nothing says “I’m not getting laid as much as I’d like” than a bunch of crap taking the place of where another human body should be. “Um, this area is reserved for my celibacy. Please stay away. Thank you…”
2. When someone asks you what you’ve been up to, you blank out and try to remember if anything noteworthy has occurred in the last, oh I don’t know, six months. You think real hard and then come up with nothing. “I don’t do anything fun,” you tell them sheepishly. “Nothing’s changed. I’m sorry. I wish I had something exciting to tell you…”
3. Your idea of a fun time is ignoring people’s phone calls and going on the internet instead. “I wonder if I can find a life on this $1,500 box I bought at the store…”
4. The highlight of your day is a full DVR of unwatched TV shows and takeout food. You tell people that it doesn’t take much to make you happy but you neglect to mention that it’s because not much is going on in your life.
5. Sometimes you earnestly wonder if you have any friends and if so, where the fuck did they go? You scan your brain for people to hang out with and can’t think of any. WTF? You know you had some somewhere. Did you leave them all behind when you graduated college? Hon? Where art thou?
6. Your body behaves like it’s a teenage virgin again and that’s because it basically is. If a penis came running towards it, your body’s orifices would start weeping and listening to Coldplay.
7. You feel accomplished when you show up to your best friend’s birthday party. “Seriously, someone give me a fucking medal.”
8. You still spend entire days in bed except this time you don’t talk about it because it’s embarrassing and because we live in a culture that prides being busy. It’s taboo to even say, “I have no plans.” You must make something up when someone asks you and then lie about them being cancelled so now you’re available to hang out.
9. You constantly feel pangs of envy when looking at people’s Instagrams and Twitter feeds. Is everyone in the world having more fun than you are? Answer: No, they’re just better at faking it.
10. You can’t remember the last time you did something that scared you or put yourself there so you could get hurt. You have a protective shell so people can’t cause you pain anymore. You’re realizing, however, that by protecting yourself from hurt, you’re also closing yourself off to love. The two go hand in hand obviously. Can’t have the ecstasy without the agony.