1. You’d have to look put together at all times, even at the airport! I mean, are you kidding me? The airport is the one place you can get away with looking like a homeless woman and now you’re telling me that I have to look chic after an eight hour flight? That’s never going to happen. It’s physically impossible for me to look good after a flight, even if it’s only an hour long. No matter what, I emerge from the airplane clutching a Burger King wrapper and have Xanax drool dripping down the corners of my mouth. I’m not ready for life, let alone a dozen cameras.
2. Old friends sell you out to the press. That means that one person you pissed off freshman year by vomiting in their car is going to run and tell the blogs all about it. The one thing I empathize with celebrities the most is getting caught acting all wasted and insane. Because who hasn’t been there? When I think of some of the nights I had in college, I just thank Jesus Christ that no one was around, besides my friends, to take note of my bad behavior.
3. You’d have all of these “new friends” wanting to mooch off of you and your money. Remember Sam Lufti? He infiltrated Britney Spears’ inner circle and was like, “Bye, I’m drugging you for the next two years.” How terrifying is that? I have trouble enough dealing with friends from high school who want to have catch up lunches with me and now I have to worry about some dude feeding me Seroquel from a Pez dispenser?
4. You can’t have Facebook! Actually, that’s probably an incentive TO get famous.
5. Strangers know when you’re not having sex with anyone. Please. When I’m not having sex, I have trouble admitting it to my penis, let alone the entire world. No, thank you.
6. You’d have to hire people just to manage your life, which sounds like a stress reliever but it actually isn’t because all of a sudden you’re responsible for other people’s salaries. They’re, like, depending on you to eat. I couldn’t do that. I can barely figure out where to buy stamps.
7. Everywhere you go, you’d have to worry about getting recognized. Today it took me like an hour to get dressed and I still somehow managed to walk out the door wearing a muuu muu. As I walked the three blocks to my coffee shop, I just hoped and prayed I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew and have to explain why I was dressed like an overweight art teacher at a community college.
8. Here are some instances in which it’s great to be anonymous: Getting the Plan B pill, making your way into Planned Parenthood, going to meet your weed dealer, and eating at the Olive Garden. Honestly, I wouldn’t trade unlimited breadsticks in for anything.
9. You have to be wary of the people trying to date you. Are they into it because of your winning personality SLASH stunning good looks or do they just want to know what it feels like to touch a famous person’s penis or vagina?
10. You’d have to hang out with other famous people and be stuck in this sick, bizarro world of celebrity. Let’s be real, 90% of famous people are delusional assholes. The only ones worth hanging out with are the ones that live somewhere normal like Toronto or are named Amanda Bynes.