My 5 Favorite D-List Celebrities

1. Hania Barton

Hania Barton — the younger and slightly more crazy sister of Mischa — appears to be a total hot mess. She popped up on everybody’s radar back in 2007 when photos of her ingesting pills leaked to the press. Then, only a day after big sister Mischa’s D.U.I. arrest, Hania was rumored to have overdosed on the muscle relaxer, Soma, and taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills. After that, she did a stint in rehab and allegedly got her crap together but we all know how that usually goes. Today I can imagine the two Barton sisters sitting together in their dilapidated mansion and Hania screaming at a broken mirror, “It’s always Mischa, Mischa, Mischa!” Meanwhile, Mischa sits on her computer and replays this video of herself all night long. Sounds bleak but also chic, am I right?

2. Alexis Neiers

Alexis Neiers is the pop culture light of my life. After stealing a bunch of crap from celebrities’ houses as part of a group called The Bling Ring, Neiers got her own reality show on E! called Pretty Wild. (Because that’s what happens when you live in America. You steal things and you’re given a reality show.) Although it only ran for one blissful season, Pretty Wild made an indelible mark on my life with its unforgettable portrait of White Girl Insanity.  Watch this video and then tell me you don’t love Alexis.

3. Jules Kirby

Jules Kirby is a socialite/racist who starred on the short-lived reality show, High Society. You’ve probably never heard of it before because it aired on The CW and sucked boring balls but there were some major highlights — namely whenever Jules Kirby would open her mouth and words would come out of it. She is, by far, one of the foulest people to ever be on reality TV… and that’s saying a lot. Watch this clip (starting at 4:25) in which Kirby accuses her maid of being lazy. Keep in mind that in the past, Kirby has burned down a house in the Hamptons (allegedly) and faked having cancer (allegedly). Since the show aired, she’s reportedly been exiled from New York (That’s a real thing that happens here, by the way) and is rumored to be living in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. LOL.

4. Kim Richards

I feel like I’ve written about my love for Kim Richards so many times but somehow it still isn’t enough. Tracie Egan Morrissey of Jezebel made this supercut of Kim’s most wasted moments on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills and it remains to be one of my favorite things on the Internet. I love Kim because she’s spirited, delusional, and permanently wasted, which are three of my favorite qualities in a human being. Since this season aired, she’s gone to rehab and is reportedly sober  but something tells me that she’s done enough pills and drank enough booze to be wacky for a lifetime.

5. Gregory Gorgeous

Gregory Gorgeous is an Internet-famous celeb known for his makeup tutorials. He also starred on an unintentionally hilarious Canadian reality show called The Avenue, which chronicles his quest to “make it’ in Toronto. Everyone I’ve showed The Avenue to thinks it’s fake, that it’s some genius satire on the banality of The Hills, but it’s not. It’s totally real and horrifying. Watch for yourself and prepare to be equal parts disgusted and bored to death. 

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