Thought Catalog
December 23, 2016

If You Can’t Love Me, I’ll Make You Miss Me

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 Justin Degarbo
Justin Degarbo

“One day you’ll search for me in everyone you meet but I won’t be found.”

I don’t know when the day will come. Maybe I’ll be holding the hand of someone, so consumed by the attention of another. I won’t even notice when we cross paths. That is until you say my name. I’ll be brought back to the memory of you and all we were but more than that all we weren’t. Because you never gave me the light of day. You gave me bits and pieces of some half-hearted love story that left me nothing but confused. Some love story where I loved someone who couldn’t love me back.

But one day my name will come up and you’ll realize how much you miss me.

You’ll miss the little conversations where we used to only talk about you. You’ll miss the texts you used to ignore followed by double one. You’ll replay voice mails just to hear the sound of my voice. You’ll find yourself looking at my pictures remembering when you were a main character in my life or at least I wanted you to be. You’ll remember how I told you every detail of what was going on. And you’ll miss having someone to tell those things to. Someone who genuinely cared about your well-being and happiness. So much so, I put it before my own. You’ll miss the messages that popped up during a busy day. You’ll miss the snaps late at night saying, ‘I hope you got home safe.’ You’ll miss someone caring even though it wasn’t reciprocated. You’ll simply miss someone being around that you took for granted. And when those moments of missing me hit you like a ton bricks, what you’ll regret is not realizing what you had when you could have had it. Not giving me the chance I probably deserved.

Missing people in their absence is the worst way to miss someone. It haunts you really.

The what-ifs creep up on you late at night when you’re laying in a bed alone or worse laying there next to someone who makes you feel alone…someone who treats you the way you treated me.

And maybe you’ll text me just to see how I am. Maybe you’re simply curious if I still care. I probably always will. The difference between the two of us was I meant everything I said while you fumbled through confusion trying to figure out how you felt about me. You didn’t want to care but you did. I could see it. I never had to wonder about you, though. I never had to question it. And I never made you question how I felt. I looked at you with the same confidence I hoped would be returned.

But I couldn’t keep waiting for that. I couldn’t keep hoping and wishing and wanting and working for something I wasn’t getting. Even the best people get tired of trying.

And you might have hurt me initially but in the long run, I’ll move on and get over you. But I’m the type of person people miss even if it takes a long time to get there. I’m the type of person people don’t quite forget.

One day your phone is going to go off and you’ll wish it was my name across the screen. One day you’ll hear songs you used to like until you think of me when you hear them. Then you’ll find yourself changing the station on the radio. One day I swear you’ll miss me and when that day comes I’ll be gone. TC mark

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