The friend zone is fine. I’m really comfortable here. I’m not overthinking everything and I definitely don’t resent you because I’m really into you and you don’t feel the same way. This is totally fine with me (it’s not, just date me).
I can move on really easily. I’m very good at not getting attached. It’s really, really ok for you to be into that other girl from work—I’m sure she’s great (I already looked at her Facebook). I hope it works out for you two!
Yeah, sure, I’ll do platonic things with you (what if we just tried dating?). I do this quirky thing where I pretend I don’t have feelings so that you don’t have any emotional power over me (you do, just fall in love with me).
I’m totally stable when you call me “dude” or “buddy” (I want to set my hair on fire). I do not get excited when we get to spend time together just the two of us (have you ever noticed how oblivious our friends are when I’m blatantly dropping hints for them to leave?).
Noooo, I’m not taking this personally (I have literally never taken anything so personally). I’m not going to, like, avoid you because you don’t like me back (I accidentally read through your entire Twitter). We’re just friends!
We wouldn’t work out anyway (we would). Like, I know I said I was ~*~into you~*~, but I’m into a lot of people at the moment (that isn’t how anything works, I’m very into you—fall in love with me).
I’ll give myself a generous 12 hours to get over this (I’ll be drunk texting you next Thursday). Then everything will be back to normal and we can just pretend this never happened (are you just not into blondes?).
Please! Don’t feel bad or apologize (just date me and I’ll be fine). Sometimes this happens (I cannot believe this is happening to me).