October 18, 2016

This Is My ‘Thank You’ To You, And This Is My Goodbye

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The most painful goodbyes are the ones that were never said or left unexplained.

I want this to be my goodbye—the sun had already set for us and the morning star can’t light our way out of the dark night. The senseless crashing of the waves against the shore echoes the rage deep within me but I have nothing left to fight about and the horizon is draped in red and orange and yellow, a tapestry of a perfect illusion, something that we can’t replicate anymore.

We have carelessly thrown the words out and left each other beaten and hurt beyond repair; destroyed each other beyond recognition.

I understand we are still in the process of growing up, fixing ourselves with the broken pieces that our previous affairs left us with. But growing up means we are going to lose people whom we thought will stay, people whom we thought will accept the series of good and bad in us, people whom we thought will catch us when we fall. And no books or TV series or Antoinette Jadaone movies can prepare us for those crashing moments.

I know growing up is also giving ourselves the chances we deserve. But a part of me knew that the moment we started giving chances are the same chances that crashed the foundations we’ve built and we’ve found each other in this kaleidoscope of loud, worn out heartbeats that no longer sync.

Our happy memories, no matter how colorful and taunting, can no longer help advance our relationship forward.

I guess, partly, I am to be blamed because I thirsted and hungered for more when I knew I shouldn’t. But perhaps, you are to be blamed as well because you never opened up and accepted me for my flaws when that’s all I ever wanted to begin with. The nuances that we have drew a fault line that shook violently and left us crumbling down.

Perhaps there is a reason why we were drawn together for a brief period of time and we are destined to fall out eventually. With you, I learned how to be strong and how to face the world alone. I’ve experienced feelings that were once alien to me, feelings that I needed to process and understand and define. With you, I saw the world from a different perspective.

You taught me how to find the person that I am today; the version that I never thought would be me.

I wish I could know what you learned from me. But you have a different way of dealing with things. I wish I could know how I’ve impacted you but I dare not ask. I believe that there are things that are better left unsaid.

In this moment, there is no Begin Again or If Ever You’re In My Arms Again. There’s just Last Kiss and All Too Well. We can no longer save the sinking ship, we can no longer stop the growing wild fire, and we cannot force the storm to weather. We have grown tired and we are afraid of giving it another try because we know we can’t say hello without risking another goodbye.

So let this be it, my farewell to the past we shared. My goodbye to you. I guess this is where we end. No more road-blocks. No more anxiety. Let’s give each other a breather. Let’s give each other a break. TC mark

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