August 3, 2016

35 ENFPs Share How They Heal Themselves After A Heartbreak

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What is the issue?
Each type handles heartbreak a little differently. As incurable optimists, ENFPs often have trouble allowing themselves to fully process their emotions after a breakup. Below, 35 ENFPs explain how they help themselves move through their pain and arrive at the other side of heartbreak.
 Sanja Marušić
Sanja Marušić

1.

“A truly broken hearted ENFP gets hit HARD. We crawl into ourselves, spending days and nights alone in the same PJ’s only to suddenly burst out into the party scene making dangerous, lonely and possibly alcohol fueled decisions at 3am that we will ultimately regret at 8am. My advice to other ENFPs is: let it be. Ride the shitty wave you’ve got caught up in. You think it’s never going to end or get better. It will. You think you’re going going to die. You won’t. Sleep, (but not too much!). Eat well (but not too much!), get all new age hippy, and search for that meaning to life while time does its thing. Maybe get used to your own company (it’s not that bad!) Despite it feeling like you’re the first person to ever experience this.. you’re not, and you’re going to be all good one day.. soon enough. X”


2.

“I try to talk with others who have been through similar situations. I like xSTJs because they give me the no-nonsense answers that I need to hear, but intuitive feelers encourage me and make me feel better about myself.”


3.

“I usually make a lot of mistakes, overthink everything and create unnecessary drama for myself. But when I feel I’ve hit the lowest of lows, I tend to be ready to move on. Most when I feel I’ve been locking myself away for so long, it is time to burst out of the cage of emotions I built around myself. Then it’s time to do everything a new, re-think everything. Clean your room, try out new clothing and hair styles, new food, new hobbies, new things with friends or alone. New music etc etc. The most important to remember is that life has always new ways to looks and ways it can offer you, and you just have to be willing to look for a new view and perspective. After all, that’s what makes life fascinating.”


4.

“I cut off contact and try to love the person from a distance — reminding myself that sometimes it’s the only way to keep on loving someone. My advice to other ENFPs? Be sad. Be mad. Be disappointed. Because it’s the only way to allow oneself to experience the heartbreak head on. When the worst is over, try to do you for a while. Take pride in being a good girlfriend or boyfriend but an even better ex.”


5.

“At first I will get angry. At myself, at the other person. Then I try channeling that anger. I try things I have never done before, I try breaking some rules! This makes me feel alive again. It makes me feel stronger. I might even discover some new hobbies. I really have no great advice for other ENFPs but I know this: you will find someone or someTHING to love again, because you love life and you know it!”


6.

“I force myself to grieve at the end of a relationship, even though it’s not always what I want to do. But I’ve learned the hard way that if you avoid your emotions when you’re sad about something, they WILL hunt you down and catch up with you when you least expect it.”


7.

“When I am dealing with heartbreak, I feel distraught by possibilities of what could have been or what could still be. What if we had worked out? What if we get back together? These are the questions I have lost sleep over. However, I have realized that heartbreaks are always the worst right after. For me, I have to let myself feel everything through the heartbreak and not try to deny what is happening. It makes the moving on process more honest.”


8.

“When I’m heartbroken I find activities to distract me and I plan new adventures. Traveling, a new hobby, a new sport – I lost about 15 pounds after my last breakup because I took up spinning. Honestly, heartbreak hits me hard and it’s one of the most difficult things I’ve had to deal with, but I’ve learned that moping and dwelling on it is really destructive. After I’ve had my mourning period, I need to get excited about my new solo life.”


9.

“When I’m heartbroken, I cry it all out. I do not fight the sadness. I just bawl until I can’t anymore. And when I slowly start doing all the things I love again, that’s when I know I’ll be fine. So if one day, you experience heart break for the first time or the second or the third, let yourself be sad. Because if you fight it, it will find its way back to haunt you again. Just let your tears run its course. And then maybe grab a beer or something.”


10.

“First I take a nap. Sleep fixes everything. Then I just try to make myself stay busy. When I’m home at night I feel the worst so I’ll take walks or long drives while listening to music in order to feel better. I hang out with and talk to friends as much as possible. I basically just try to remind myself that life is still beautiful and fun without my ex.”


11.

“I’ve only been heartbroken once as an adult and I’m currently still figuring out how to get through it, but to start, I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. I wrote everything down and saved it, allowing myself to process through everything by purging it in this way. I went to close friends I knew would support me and talked things out with them when I couldn’t see the situation clearly anymore, when I started to have self doubt, when I started to spin and drown in the pain. I let them prop me up if I couldn’t do it on my own anymore. I tried to remind myself that it was okay to feel the way I felt, that is was okay to need help from others, that I didn’t have to police my reaction to this heartbreak, that I didn’t have to force myself to heal faster than my natural pace. I learned I had to be patient with myself and be kind to myself because I was already in so much pain, I didn’t need to make things harder for me by beating myself up for not healing “properly.” There is no Right Way (TM) to heal, there is only the way you heal, and that’s what will be right for you. Love yourself enough to lean into your specific brand of dealing with this hardship. Be your own ally through it. You don’t have to do it alone, but you do need to be on your own side.”


12.

“Get out of town for a bit, take a road trip, go somewhere no one knows your name. Staying home and looking around at places where you two spent time together is never any good. Get away and breath the free air of the open road, then come home with a new outlook on life.”


13.

“I lean on my best friends who have been with me through it all. It helps to continue to be present in stimulating environments as opposed to locking yourself in your room. After going through heartbreak I know next time I’m going to give myself a few days to hide away but after that I will look to spend time with my friends who have always shown me love and slowly transition into the stimulating environments and activities ENFPs love. It’s never easy but I have to say if an ENFP can carry their positivity with them I don’t think they will be disappointed in their future love endeavors after heartbreak.”


14.

“Learn about the origin of emotions, and how thoughts control feelings, and how through mindfulness and meditation I can control my feelings, because if I don’t I can’t avoid hysteria. Basically learn to understand your mind so you can manipulate it.”


15.

“Just get back out there and start dating other people.”


16.

“I’m kind of a masochist when it comes to having my heart broken. I have to feel my heartbreak fully, in all of its depth, before moving on. I need equal time to let hot tears flow silently while I wallow alone and time spent dissecting the source of my heartbreak and unloading my emotions with close friends and relatives. I look to sad poems and movies and I listen to all of the gut wrenching ballads out there to remind myself that someone else felt this pain, and it’s okay to feel this pain, but it’s possible to feel better again too. My advice for ENFPs is not to ignore the hurt. Acknowledge it. Use it to fuel whatever new project you’re diving into, and don’t stop loving yourself.”


17.

“I try to get back to doing the things I love to do. I give myself an allotted amount of time to mourn, while reminding myself it’s ok if I need an extension on that time. I uncharacteristically schedule things I know I’ll end up enjoying, even if I may consider canceling to lay in bed and mope, because I always find the joy in the moment regardless of how much I’m hurting inside. Nature really helps me get inspired again and help me feel like my problems aren’t so big in the scheme of this world. But it’s ok to give in to the cliche cry movie and chocolate ice cream.”


18.

“Time Heals. I do tend to distract myself with new relationships…which typically don’t last or become serious. Advice: Get in a routine. Read Heidi Priebe’s ENFP Survival Guide. Exercise. Surround yourself with healthy uplifting people, like joining a church. Work through your pain. See a therapist so you don’t drive your friends crazy…better to get it out in a place with no judgment.”


19.

“Don’t be afraid of letting people know how you feel. I know we usually try to hide what we’re truly feeling because ultimately we just want to think of something else than what we’re feeling. Why? Because when we do start to actually feel it, it sometimes feels like it’s never gonna stop hurting. And it’s unbearable. So please, talk about it or you’ll go crazy!”


20.

“Taking care of myself was almost impossible as I succumbed to depression that time. I cried watching spoken word performances about heartbreak, wrote poetry, traveled, hung out with my friends, and avoided social media on my days of healing. I went through the Kubler-Ross’ four stages of grief for a long time, before finally getting into the acceptance stage. My advice to my fellow ENFPs would be: Feel everything. You don’t have to bypass your way through healing by denying yourself of the heartbreak you’re experiencing. But make sure to help yourself out through the process – travel, write on your journal, attend a retreat, and don’t forget the magic of just being around your trusted set of friends.”


21.

“Bring your focus back to yourself….it sounds simple but its hard and yet its the only thing that seems to work. Focus on what makes you happy-be grateful for those things and try to do more things that you know make you happy even if you don’t feel like it.”


22.

“I try to use the experience as fuel to make the path I’m on as awesome as possible. In another life, another Universe, another reality, you two are together; in this version of reality, you are not. Use it. Let go of the ideas of what could have been and see the ‘now’ you are in. Make it the best ‘now’ you can. Make the best you that you can. And then steer that bad-ass down the path you wish to walk. You are responsible for being and becoming the person you want to be; responsible for what type of story you want your life to be. Feel the fear, taste the pain, cry when you need to; experience it all, don’t shy away from any of it, acknowledge these things and keep moving forward. I believe in you. And I love you. We need you.”


23.

“Introspect, cry, grow, find happiness.. My entire outlook on life changes and I choose to make it better. I think people cause pain because of emotional trauma, being angry or seeking revenge will only cause them more trauma and we don’t need more pain in this world. Most ENFP’s I know like to ruminate on ‘why?’ but sometimes you won’t get the answers you so desperately want so, you have to answer them yourself the best way possible. Find the strength and courage to understand, forgive, and move forward.”


24.

Step 1. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I say ‘I am not good enough.’ I read about said persons MBTI type.

Step 2. I begin to think about why it wouldn’t work theoretically, and what traits to stay away from and what traits to look for in others. Focusing into the future helps me move on quicker.

Step 3. I begin to feel angry. I no longer think ‘I am not good enough’ but instead, flip the script and think ‘Me?? I am not good enough?! His *ick was too small/toenails were long/couldn’t even drive stick.’ I stop idolizing this once ‘perfect’ person, and focus on their flaws! I think of all of the things about this person that I don’t like.

Step 4. I distract myself, go out with friends, or work on a cool project I enjoy, then post pics/vids of myself looking extra good with said project, or friends on social media. The likes boost my confidence, and the attention helps me feel like I’m getting revenge passive aggressively, it also is a slap in the face to the person who caused the heartache.

Step 5. I move the fuck on, and don’t look back. Enjoy life and let that show! It’s the best revenge!

Honestly, a heartbreak is how I first became interested in the Enneagram and MBTI 9 years ago.. It was after a terrible break up. Prior to this, I could not fathom how/why my ex could act the way he was acting, I thought, we’re all human, we all ‘feel’ the same way right? Wrong! Learning about others has helped me deal with heartache much easier, and although some may scoff at this, but romantically, I will immediately shy away from types that at first glance appear to be sensors with very high perceiving functions.”


25.

“It takes a really long time. Everything you feel is valid and right. No really. I’m serious! Just be nice to yourself and don’t promise anything you can’t do on a low energy day.”


26.

“Get busy! If I’m idle I make THE WORST decisions. Find a new project to work on, if there is anything ENFP’s are good at is starting new fun projects. Do that thing you’ve been wanting to do and put all your energy on it. You inspire so many people around you, this is the best time to try and find things that inspire YOU and focus on them. I am always at their happiest when feeling the thrill of a new idea or a new trip. Find a way to make yourself incredibly happy and stop looking back at it with rose coloured lenses. The relationship is broken for a reason, remember what it is and move on instead of lingering on what you could have done or going back to it. You are amazing, don’t sell yourself short. Its hard for us to come to terms when someone doesn’t like us anymore but choose to close the chapter and be at peace with yourself even if they never gave you proper closure. You got this!”


27.

“I need to process and it right away, through a meaningful ritual. I eat a lot of my favorite candies, on the next day I dress in black, put everything that belongs to my ex-lover on a box, and call that day my black and white day, is kinda like a relationship funeral. Then I engage myself to plan an adventure and keep myself busy, though I talk about different part of my feelings with different close friends. If you are going to heartbreak don’t idealize that person anymore, but be proud of yourself for being vulnerable, and seeking for true love, loving it’s a huge risk, but it is worth every heart beat!”


28.

“As an ENFP, I force myself to NOT jump into a new relationship. I instead focus on creating a life that I love as a single person. I also recommend therapy…as an extrovert, I love to talk. I also tend to dwell on heartbreak for a while. Inferior Si does not help this. Therapy is a healthy way to reframe the what ifs that linger after a break up, and it can help you heal and move on much faster. Kayaking and nature is pretty therapeutic as well. Good luck ENFPs. Happy healing!!”


29.

“The struggle for me is articulating my emotions, sharing and being vulnerable and honest about my heartache, and then actually letting go of the past and not continually emotionally regressing. Writing in my personal journal has always been the best therapeutic exercise for working through and learning how to articulate my emotions. Writing by hand is slower than typing, so I have to think hard about everything I put down on paper. Once I feel I have a grasp on my own heartache, I try and open up and share my struggle with someone I trust, usually a close friend or sibling. And then I give it time and in the meantime focus on simply taking care of myself. Depression can make you forget basic physical needs. Eating well, staying hydrated, getting rest consistently, exercising, and maybe even the occasional massage and visit to the chiropractor to keep me relaxed can have a huge impact. When I’m depressed and heartbroken, it’s really easy for me to fall out of touch with my environment and physical needs, so I try and make an extra effort when I’m emotionally distraught.”


30.

“I’ve only been heartbroken once, but I downloaded tinder and soaked up all of the compliments haha! It’s always a confidence boost when random hot guys tell you you’re pretty. I also have a solid group of guy friends and they took good care of me. They were constantly checking up on me, taking me to get ice cream, etc. They were determined to remind me that I wasn’t alone. They’re keepers!”


31.

“I’ve only experienced real heartbreak once and once I had accepted that the relationship was really over I became terrified of being alone. My mind was a really dark place during that time and the only thing that kept me sane was being able to be around and talk through things with other people. It really helped once I had come to terms with why we broke up and accepted that it really was the best thing for both of us. I tend to be stubborn so it took a while for that to sink in. The breakup was so hard for me because I had invested too much of myself and my future in that relationship so my advice to ENFPs is to remind yourself of all the wonderful things you’ll still be able to do in the future regardless of what relationship you’re in and start going after your dreams.”


32.

“Emotional wounds are often like physical ones – at the time they happen, they hurt us deeply and intensely. If the wound is deep enough, it may leave us with a scar. The scar will remain and ache occasionally, reminding us of what we’ve been through. However, what differs here is how we choose to perceive it from there. Does it become a painful reminder of past events and all the memories attached to it? Or do we look at it like a warrior’s badge and think, “If I’ve been through this, I can make it through anything!”? We’re often stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and while tricking the pain away only works so much, reminding ourselves of our own resilience is a good step forward in some cases.”


33.

“I pretend it never happened. Fake it til you make it, right? Of course there are always those moments during the day where you feel the crushing, stomach churning, emptiness in your life left by the person you lost. But I think one of the best things about being an ENFP is having the ability to recognize new ideas and opportunities that are always out there. So I start dreaming and focusing on the millions of other things I can do until the heartbreak slowly fades away.”


34.

“First I crawl up into a little ball of sorrow and miss the ex. It basically feels like the end of the world. Then after a while I ponder what went wrong. Then I develop a deep dark hate. Then I dive head first into a new hobby. Get really good at it and end up doing some crazy ass adventure in the middle of a boxing ring somewhere in Thailand for a while. After that I’m all good.”


35.

“For us it’s all about the possibilities, right? We are mourning lost possibilities and alternate realities. So I have to re-focus on new possibilities and look forward. And of course, I remember all the times I’ve already done this whole broke-ass cycle before!”TC mark

Heidi Priebe explains how to manage the ups, downs and inside-outs of everyday life as an ENFP in her book available here.

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