August 31, 2013

Dos And Don’ts Of Day Drinking

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Do: Start with an appropriate “morning drink”

When you first start day drinking with people, everyone’s sober and still has something called “shame.” It’s best not to reach straight for the tequila and instead go for one of the three beverages that have been sanctioned by 82% of world leaders as Ok to Have at Breakfast.

These are:

Bloody Marys: This is the least delicate of all breakfast drinks. It says that you are indeed hungover from the night before and you’ll do anything to cut that pain, even if it means fishing a garlic pickle out of ice and tomato juice, chomping on it sloppily and eating cubes of pepperjack that have soaked to the point of looking like dead flesh. They are delicious.

Screwdrivers: Screwdrivers say “I like to drink so much that I wish I could have had vodka with my Fruit Loops as a child.” Everyone likes screwdriver drinkers, and everyone likes screwdrivers. (Or at least people who don’t suck.)

Mimosas: Mimosas are a fancy breakfast drink. They’re for people who aren’t necessarily planning to get day drunk, and eventually need to succumb to the harder stuff when everyone around them becomes too ostentatious to deal with. Tell them French people sometimes add vodka to mimosas and they might just do it.

It’s also acceptable to start your day with a microwbrew if you are at a relevant bar/ local brewery.

Whiskey diets are also an acceptable morning drink if your friends are really hardcore
Whiskey diets are a morning drink if your friends are really hardcore

Don’t: Accidentally Get Wasted

Oftentimes people get together to day drink in anticipation of some kind of exciting evening event, like a football game, a wrestling match or a Bright Eyes concert. Everyone wants the whole day to be a memorable bonding experience (thus the booze), but there are always a couple of people who can’t help but get way too drunk before the actual event. Oftentimes these are ladies, but not always.

If you have a hard time naturally pacing your drinking, follow this rule: If you accidentally break a glass, take a nap and then start again.

Do: Learn the Art of “The Secret Drink”

Camouflage booze
Camouflage booze

Getting drunk all day can be expensive. That’s why you should eventually switch to cheap beer/vodka/whiskey that you got for $10. You could go back to your house and drink it in front of the TV, or you could conceal it somehow and bring it out and about. Here are a couple ideas:

In a soda bottle: If you’re going to an event, like a block party or a theme park, keep in mind what brand of soda they sell there. It’s usually Coca-Cola round these parts, so just mix it with a similar-colored soda and you should be good.

In a flask: A flask is more obvious than a soda container, but you can always buy a cheap lemonade and spike it in the bathroom. Pretend you’re on a 90s WB show.
In a can: You can pour anything in a can, as long as you’re not into the aesthetic experience of drinking and just need to get drunk.

Just drink it outright when no one’s looking: As long as you act like it’s a normal thing to do, you can often get away with it publicly imbibing a beer or Four Loko-esque product.

Don’t: Forget to Eat

Drinking all day on a boat? Bring carbs.
Drinking all day on a boat? Bring carbs.

A lot of people think to themselves, “Booze is like food, so if I’m drinking all day I don’t need to eat. Plus, I can get drunker easier that way.” This is how you end up barfing in the sink after giving a long speech about what, in your opinion, is the real meaning of dreams. TC mark

This post originally appeared on The Tangential.

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