30 Horrendous Things I’d Rather Do Than Eat Any Goddamn Mayo
- Commit murder.
- Swallow a battery.
- Ask the cute cashier at the convenience store if they carry those condoms in “petite sizes.”
- Have math homework every night for the rest of my life.
- Sit on an uncovered gas station toilet seat.
- Be the one to tell Kid Rock that wrestling isn’t real.
- Invest my lifesavings in Blockbuster stock.
- Be able to express myself using only lines of dialogue from the movie Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
- Develop an exceedingly rare synaptic mix-up wherein every time I have an orgasm I experience the exact sensations and facial reactions of someone peeling an onion. But not vice-versa.
- Become employed as the “Before” model in “Before and After” plastic surgery ads.
- Set my teeth on fire.
- Wear JNCOs and a denim bucket hat to every job interview for the rest of my life.
- Grow a rattail.
- I meant the haircut kind of rattail, but I’d also rather grow an actual rat’s tail out of my ass than eat mayo.
- Be featured on the show My Strange Addiction.
- Anything involving wet cat food.
- Mash up my genitals with a bowling pin; mash ‘em up real good.
- Say the phrase “epic fail” in public.
- Get LASIK surgery from a guy who admits, “I’ve never been to med school, but I read the manual twice.”
- Win one of those contests where the prize involves spending time with a celebrity because I cringe just thinking about how awkward and forced and mortifying that would be.
- Attend a Turkish prison.
- Shave off a homeless man’s beard and use it as my own personal loofah.
- Pass an entire Slim Jim through my sinus cavity.
- Piss off Christian Bale.
- Forget how to read.
- Trade hearts with Charlie Sheen. Not metaphorically speaking, but like actually receive his over-taxed, drug-addled heart.
- Lick an umbrella after acid rain.
- Start every conversation for the rest of my life with the phrase, “I’m wearing a diaper.”
- Get stuck in an elevator for an inordinately long period of time with Donald Trump.
- Encounter alien life forms, discover they’re not even chill.
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