15 Text Messages You Wish You Could Send
By Gaby Dunn
1. To your former friend: “I really am sorry. I’m just too embarrassed to try and talk to you again, but I mean it. I think about you all the time but my pride won’t let me apologize.”
2. To your ex: “Fuck you forever and your dick is small.”
3. To someone you want to hook up with: “just so there’s no confusion, you can have sex with me whenever you want. like legit whenever. just come over. ;) ;) ;)”
4. To your parents: “Heeeey parents. Have I told you guys you look BEAUTIFUL today and are like, the best parents ever? Can I borrow some money?”
5. To your crush: “Hey. I like you. I think you like me. Let’s just be adults about this and stop dancing around it. Do you want to go on a date?”
6. To an old flame: “Hey, just randomly walked by your neighborhood and was thinking of you. Okay, I did it on purpose so I could send this text. This is my excuse to reach out.”
7. To your friend who ALWAYS bails: “I swear to Loki if you bail on me again when I am already at the place we were planning on going, I will come to your house and light you on fire, kk?”
8. To your boyfriend: “As much as I appreciate emoticons and the odd ‘Ok,’ I’m gonna need you to reply with actual words sometimes, plz. Like, real words, you caveman.”
9. To your favorite person to drunk-text: “Heeeey, about those weird texts I sent last night, uh, my phone was hacked okay gotta go bye.”
10. To Domino’s: “Hi new Domino’s Text-A-Pizza app, I’d like to text for one large cheese pizza please. This is the greatest invention of all time.”
11. To your roommate: “i can hear you having sex btw.”
12. To everyone who wrecked your place at the party you threw last night: “How about all of you assholes come back and help me clean up?”
13. As a reply to an ex or someone who led you on (Sick burn!): “Sry, you have the wrong number!”
14. To a person who looks way better than you at a party: “Um hey would you mind hiding in the bathroom or something for the rest of the night?”
15. To the entire cast of The Avengers “You up?”
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