An Open Letter From Pizza
Hey, it’s me. I don’t want to make things super weird here, but I have to get this off my chest. I’m well aware that you love me. You talk about me a lot, put my face on t-shirts, hats, and the like. Sometimes, I bet you even wake up in the middle of the night screaming my name. I used to be flattered, but quite frankly, this is getting out of hand. I’m uncomfortable with where things are right now. I don’t want to be ‘needed’ all the time. I like my space. This relationship is turning codependent and I won’t stand for it.
We need to reevaluate some things. First of all, you can’t eat me for every meal. It’s not healthy and it’s not normal. You should not be eating me for breakfast… unless I’m on a bagel, in which case, you can eat me any time.
Second, dressing up like me for Halloween is a bit creepy. I am getting this stalker vibe off of you, and that doesn’t help. It’s not even a very good likeness. Literally no one is going to mistake you for me in that getup. Just stop trying. You should also consider getting rid of the website you made called ‘pizzafingrules.tumblr.com.’ You’re not a very subtle person, which is one of my major complaints on top of everything else I’ve already mentioned. I don’t need you publicizing our intimate details online. Some things should stay between us and not be shared with strangers. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Lastly, please stop saying you would ‘marry me’ if you could. It’s not legal and it never will be. In addition, I am not really interested in getting married at this juncture. I have a lot of options on the table, as do you, which brings up my next point.
I see the way you look at bacon. If you want to start eating other food, that’s totally fine. I would respect your decision. I just want you to be honest with me. Don’t tell me how delicious I am and then go sneak a hot dog or something. There are plenty of delicious foods in the world. I know that. I’m comfortable with how I taste. There’s no ego to bruise here. I’m a realist.
Don’t get me wrong. You’re great in many ways. I enjoy being eaten by you just as much, if not more than you enjoy eating me. That joy is at the root of our problem though. You need me so much, and on some level, I need you too. I thrive on your lustful stares, the way your mouth waters when you think about me, the ecstasy of the first bite. I think we just need each other too much. We’re in too deep, and what I fear is that one day this will get old. It will be so mundane and we won’t have any way out. I mean, we could try spicing it up. You could put crushed red pepper on me. You could dip me in ranch. The only thing I’m not really into is being eaten backwards. It’s not even on the table. I was raised Catholic, after all.
Maybe we should just take some time to reevaluate our situation? We’ve been involved for so long now that perhaps we could benefit from some distance. I know it will be hard. You’ll get coupons for me in the mail. You’ll see me in some TV commercial. Your friends will be talking about me. Hopefully, when it’s all over, we’ll both realize how much we missed each other and we can be healthy and happy.
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I always wanted to give a commencement speech.
My ears listened to what they wanted me to believe.
3. Don’t get mad, get everything.
But I am here to talk about realities, realities that are based on experiences, guy talks (who cares about that?) and late night chats with good female friends of mine.