1. Orgasms are very different for men and women. For a woman, an orgasm is an enigma, rare and unforgettable, a mysterious explosion of sensation that is often as elusive as it is satisfying. For a man, an orgasm is something you have in your pants on the way to the date.
2. WWSPD: What Would Sean Paul Do?
3. It’s impossible to overstate the importance of kissing. Experts state couples who spend more time kissing have healthier sex lives and are less likely to think it’s weird that until I was 26, I thought kissing was the sex.
4. Ideally, sex is an exploration. You are like Christopher Columbus, navigating the unchartered territory of her body. She is like the New World, bountiful and tempting. Your smallpox are like smallpox, highly contagious and seriously not chill to have not mentioned beforehand.
5. SPOILER ALERT: This probably ends with her sighing.
6. People always ask me, “What’s the best position?” Well, it’s a little complicated, but here goes: Start in reverse cowgirl. Then have the girl rotate so that she’s back into regular cowgirl. Next have the girl get off you and lie on her back. Then you get on top. Now throw on some Dave Matthews and let your freak flag fly!
7. Taking a shower together can be a great way to get in the mood. Just remember that it’s primarily for erotic purposes and you may have to alter your typical shower routine (i.e., no “Damnnn girl, spin around again and pass me my gout ointment!”).
8. It’s all about foreplay: sometimes we can be in such a rush to finish that we don’t take the time to really build up the experience for maximum pleasure. I’ve always been renowned for my foreplay skills. Once I kissed the nape of a girl’s neck for so long that when I was finally ready to start sexin’ her, it turned out that she had relocated to Syracuse and was happily married with a family of five.
9. Lots of Sex Tip Experts (Cosmo, Redbook, my Uncle Gary…) recommend some pretty unusual tricks for oral sex, including reciting the alphabet with your tongue. I tried that once, but the girl described it as “The 26 Stages of Hell” and said that Q, in particular, felt like someone abusing her vagina with the business end of a thick paintbrush. Fortunately, I’ve found far more effective replacements, like reciting the Gettysburg Address or the lyrics to Smash Mouth’s “All Star.”
10. But no matter where I look for sex tips, I always find the same thing: You need the sex talk. Every expert agrees that the sex talk is a great way to generate excitement in the bedroom. Which seems odd, because my health teacher gave us the sex talk in 7th grade, and I didn’t find it very erotic at all. Mostly just a lot of mixed metaphors and staring at the ground.
11. Role-playing is a great way to spice things up in the bedroom. However, engaging in role-play means accepting your partner’s deepest fantasies without judgment. In other words, you should shouldn’t freak out when a guy puts on some Randy Newman and asks if you don’t mind being Buzz Lightyear so he can be Woody. Did you hear that, Barbara? IT’S NOT WEIRD LOTS OF PEOPLE DO IT
12. But if you plan on role-playing or having kinky sex, it’s important to have a safe word, or an agreed upon term that means stop. For example, a good safe word is “stop.”
13. Hand job! I don’t know, I overheard two teenagers at the mall talking about it. Google it or something.
14. It can be strangely erotic to incorporate food into sex. You’ve got to be careful, though – some food lends itself better to romance than others. Whip cream and chocolate are probably safe bets. Dumplings tend to give the wrong impression. If there’s a Blooming Onion involved, you’re about to get kicked out of Outback Steakhouse. Again.
15. Lift with your legs, not with your back. Then, gently put her back down and promise never to yell, “All aboard the sex train! WHEEEEEE!!!” again.
16. Having sex in a place where you could possibly get caught can be a wild turn-on. However, having sex in a place where you know you’ll get caught is usually considered “indecent exposure.” Life is full of unexpected wrinkles, and that’s why my Uncle Gary is serving a 5-to-10 in Sing Sing.
17. It’s important that you give your partner feedback on what feels good and what you want them to keep doing. But it’s also important you don’t just keep barking criticisms at the guy over and over again in an increasingly agitated tone that reminds him of that time my dad got banned from my Little League games for heckling me.
18. Most guys tend to lose themselves in the moment, so it can’t hurt to try and plan out what you’re going to say at your climax, rather than just blurting out the first thing that comes to mind (i.e., “9/11 was an inside job!” or just “UGHHHNNGGN!”)
19. Placing a pillow underneath whoever is on bottom can improve your angle for better sex. Placing a pillow over whoever is on top can create a pillow fort, improving the likelihood that you will die alone.
20. Remember, even the best hitters in baseball are only successful 30% of the time. Which is exactly why it doesn’t bother me that, according to recent research, I give a woman an orgasm exactly 0% of the time. IDK, once a girl sneezed while I was going down on her.
21. Did you know that a woman can feel pleasure from places other than her vagina? It turns out that the female anatomy is a veritable cornucopia of hidden erogenous zones: her ear lobes, her hairline, her femur, even that conjoined Siamese twin-removal scar.
22. But, never forget the biggest erogenous zone of all: the heart. Just kidding, it’s still the vagina. Definitely focus on the vagina.
23. Remember: Jesus is with you. Always. So, technically, you have had a threesome.
24. In the end, just remember that good sex has more to do with emotions than it does with technique. You can read all the tips you want, but, if you’re like me, your therapist says that, “based on what you’ve told me so far, it would be ethically irresponsible for me to let you reproduce.” Such is life!