Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 7, 2013
This is a pretty shitty flash mob. It's in my living room, only my family showed up, and they're just telling me to stop drinking.
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 1, 2012
make your date feel important by asking lots of questions and holding an invisible mic to her mouth for every answer
— chuuch (@ch000ch) September 18, 2014
Very nervous to use the bathroom because i ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) July 6, 2014
Are there glory holes for just holding hands?
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) April 8, 2013
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) December 3, 2013
kanye west admiring a painting at a museum for hours on end but it's just the mirror in the bathroom of the museum
— nicole (@relatabledad) April 18, 2013
*nervously plays with tie* "I'm sorry. I'm no good during job interviews." That's ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
— Brent (@murrman5) October 26, 2013
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 8, 2014
Sinbad isn’t just a comedian’s name – it’s also an extremely short summary of The Bible
— Patrick (@pattymo) August 21, 2014
There's not a fat person alive who wants to hear who they remind you of.
— Justin Furano (@JustinFurano) October 9, 2012
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) August 8, 2012
Sorry, what were you saying? My stupid baby fell over. pic.twitter.com/7WrDRVU2rM
— Nerf Herder (@TrueTorontoGirl) September 11, 2014
#lifehack when u have your period imagine that your heart has liquified and is dribbling out of you. so theres room for a new one to blossom
— natalie mooney (@nataliejmooney) April 19, 2014
Accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math
— Social Extortion (@SocialExtortion) June 21, 2013
If you have time-stamped VHS footage of yourself blowing out birthday candles, you'll eventually be abducted.
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) April 27, 2013
If you pull a lizard's tail off, it will grow back. If you pull it off again, the lizard will be like "dude."
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 31, 2013
yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture last year play out
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) May 29, 2013
nobody was suspicious that the Oompa Loompas already had songs prepared for each child meeting their ill fate
— halloween lindsey (@Lindzeta) November 30, 2013
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it's fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) October 13, 2012
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's almost not worth it
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) November 16, 2012
A neurologist, a lawyer and a dentist walk into a bar. It's probably a fancy bar those jobs pay well. I forget the joke but good for them.
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) June 17, 2014