Narcissists promote “humility” as a virtue to others to try to put people they’re envious of in their place, yet freely display egotistical behaviors themselves while feigning false humility. One of the most ironic red flags of a narcissist masquerading as humble is that they constantly push humility as a virtue for others, while in reality exercising none of that humility themselves. This is because narcissists desire victims who are complacent and docile – to them, humility is all about submission and obedience. You will notice they only bring up humility when others are succeeding and proud of themselves, or “daring” to set boundaries. They seek victims who are self-sacrificing and willing to put their own needs on the back burner to serve them. They cannot stand victims who have healthy pride in their hard-earned accomplishments, talents, and positive external and internal qualities and who are confident in their strengths, personality, beauty, character, and inner worth because it means those victims are harder to control and seek less of their validation. That is why narcissists demand humility in their victims, while having no issue boasting about themselves or talking about others with contempt or a false sense of superiority. When narcissists do feign humility, they do it for impression management, combining faux humility with pity ploys so others can view them as humble and they can gain accolades for virtues they don’t actually possess. This faux humility tends to be common in covert narcissists and psychopaths especially, who use it to lure in unsuspecting targets who have no idea the arrogance, malice, cruelty, or aggression they’re truly in for. The truth is, no one respects false humility accompanied by disrespect and immature cruelty – authenticity combined with aligned positive actions to benefit the world is far more preferable to any kind of “humility” narcissists desire from their victims.
They discourage the setting of healthy boundaries, calling those who set boundaries and have standards “selfish.” Narcissists will weaponize the idea of humility and selfishness to bully others and make their victims comply to them. People who stand up for themselves and defend themselves against chronic patterns of manipulation are no less humble – they just have healthy boundaries. Unlike narcissists, truly humble people have the grace to know when they’re in the wrong and when to take in feedback that is constructive and healthy – simultaneously, they also know how to have discernment, enforcing their boundaries and standards for self-protection when needed. When they do stand up for themselves, narcissistic people will tell them they are being selfish or should humble themselves. To a narcissist, being selfish means doing anything that does not serve the narcissist’s inflated ego and excessive sense of entitlement. It means not taking the abuse quietly enough.
Narcissists who fake humility change their opinions and alliances rapidly based on who they want to impress or need something from. Narcissists will switch sides rapidly when it suits their needs – one minute they’re befriending the hard-working, talented person with integrity because it boosts their image, and in another minute, they’re supporting a bully, con artist, cheater, thief, predator, or manipulator because it reflects their own core values and character to surround themselves with shady people no matter the consequences or potential liability. Truly humble people have the courage to speak the truth and align themselves with other honest, empathic people, even if it means standing up to toxic people, authority or “popular opinion,” because they are more invested in the greater good and possess empathy for others. Authentically humble people typically don’t stray from their true beliefs and perspectives (which often includes advocating for vulnerable populations) and are willing to stand up to toxic people or popular opinion if it encourages bullying or heinous violations.
Narcissists punish those who exhibit healthy pride in their accomplishments, treating them with contempt and condescension. Truly humble people still have healthy pride – they are genuinely proud of themselves for overcoming adversity and accomplishing amazing things, as they should be. They don’t shrink for others, especially not narcissistic egomaniacs who are invested in them shrinking for their own comfort and negating the value they bring to this world. They celebrate the accomplishments of others as well, encouraging others to achieve their highest potential with both their affirming words and their actions. Narcissists feel threatened by anyone with assets and accomplishments that surpass theirs, so they seek to minimize others who know their worth, while smugly and patronizingly talking about their own perceived achievements.
Narcissistic people surround themselves with empathic, successful people to boost their own image, but also punish those same people as they exploit them. In addition to empathic people, they also have a network of shady people around them. Truly humble people support those who are hardworking and have integrity. Narcissistic people tend to exploit hardworking, talented people and support them only for their own gain – for example, to have access to their resources or to associate themselves with them to boost their own image. What is also very revealing is when narcissistic people also support shady people who reflect their own moral depravity. For example, unethical narcissists may support other bullies and predators who reflect their own value systems and surround themselves with such people as much as they do the empathic people they target for personal gain and self-enhancement. As mentioned previously, they don’t seem to care about the potential liability or consequences that comes with associating themselves with such people – and if they have psychopathic traits, they may even recruit such people as allies in their schemes.
Narcissists try to sabotage others out of malicious envy due to their own lack of humility and need to avoid accountability. Narcissists will go out of their way to degrade and sabotage those who inspire their envy or those who stand up to them to avoid accountability. They will gaslight and belittle people who hold them responsible for their behavior. Truly humble people celebrate other people’s wins, respect others, and take accountability when needed. Empathic, authentically humble people with boundaries can also just as easily recognize when they haven’t done anything wrong and can identify when they are being attacked by narcissistic people unjustly. They will stand up for themselves accordingly and enforce their standards and boundaries. Those who are truly humble are authentic in that they know what is their responsibility – and what isn’t. If they are ever in the wrong, they have no problem taking accountability or listening to feedback that helps them improve. At the same time, they know they aren’t here to coddle toxic people and can differentiate between constructive criticism and nitpicking or unwarranted verbal abuse by a narcissistic individual that violates their rights. | Shahida Arabi is a published researcher specializing in narcissism and the bestselling author of four books, translated in 16+ languages all over the world.
