Aries (March 21-April 19th)
Damien Thorn, The Omen
Some astrology purists may say that there’s no way Damien could be an Aries because of his birthday (he was born 6/6 at 6 am, making him a Gemini), but he displays numerous traits of an Aries. Aries are the babies of the Zodiac, being the first sign of the astrological wheel, and oftentimes don’t know their own strength, power, or how their impulsivity hurts those around him. Damien began showing traits of evil at a very young age, but none of it was intentional- the poor lil’ devil just literally had no impulse control. Ask any Aries why they did what they did or said what they said, and they’ll shrug, tell you not to be so sensitive, and then probably (definitely) do it again. Just pray that they don’t kill you with their subconscious demonic powers, all the while aligning themselves with the United Nations Youth Associations whilst simultaneously getting their degree from the prestigious Oxford University, plotting for world domination and the Second Coming
Taurus (April 20th-May 21st)
Leatherface, Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Leatherface, the skin-wearing, grunting, chainsaw-wielding maniac from “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, is the epitome of the bull gone wrong. Taurus’s are known for their strength, stamina, and endurance. They’re also highly tactile (skin mask, anyone?) and are known to be individuals of few words- or in this case, grunts.
Gemini (May 22nd-June 21st)
Geminis are undoubtedly the most quick-witted of the zodiac. They love games, puzzles, and word-play. If you’ve seen any of the “Saw” franchise’s films, you know by now that hearing Jigsaw utter the phrase “Let’s play a game” fills the viewer with dread. Gemini’s are also the sign of duality- in the case of Jigsaw, he never set out to be a serial killer- he simply wanted to test his subjects to see if they possessed the will to live, Unfortunately, we all know how that tends to turn out, and made him not only a killer, but a highly sadistic l one at that. At his crux, Jigsaw is impish, witty, and twistedly playful. Let’s play a game? I’ll stick to scrabble, thanks.
Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Norman Bates, Psycho
Cancers love Mother. Norman Bates loves his Mother. Really, really loves Mother. No woman will ever get in-between Noman and Mother, and God help you if you’re a pretty young woman in need of supper and a shower after a long, grueling cross-country drive.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd)
Pennywise the Dancing Clown, It
At their best, Leos are playful performers, loving an audience, and have a knack for making children laugh. At their worst, they are sewer dwelling clowns that prefer to kill children over adults because they’re easy targets. The fact that in the film, the clown is played by none other than a razor-toothed Tim Curry makes this villain all the more terrifying.
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
Virgos are known for their attention to detail. Who but a Virgo would be able to get all those pins in such precise fashion in their head? Pinhead’s personality is also deeply chilling- he possesses a penetrating intelligence, and is always three steps ahead of his victims. He doesn’t need to scare you with cheap tricks. He’s a creature born of pure evil and relies solely on his wit and Cenobite origins (and various hooks, whips and chains designed to rip victims to pieces) to do exactly what he needs to do.
Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)
Hannibal Lecter, The Silence of the Lambs
A lot can be said about Libras- they can be wishy-washy and superficial, flighty and indecisive-but if they’re known for one thing, it’s having class, manners and refinement. Hannibal Lector, our resident cannibal psychiatrist psychopath, is nothing if not polite. And class? This guy has it in droves. We all know he loves a good Chianti and side of fava beans with his human liver, but he also arbores rudeness, simply killing people for their own lack of manners. He’s intelligent and sophisticated, speaking multiple languages and having a penchant for both music and art.
Unfortunately, that pesky serial-killer-who-eats-his-victims thing really gets in the way of his classy guy aesthetic.
Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)
Jason, Friday the 13th
Scorpios are loyal, know how to play a long game, and neither forgive nor forget. They love their friends, love families, and they hold long grudges. Kill a Scorpio’s mother and watch them turn into a living, breathing Jason Vorhees.
Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)
You know that guy at the party, with a lampshade on his head, being completely corny and a little too drunk but still making everyone laugh? 10/10 chance that guy is a Sagittarius. You know that same party, where there’s a guy running around in a Ghostface costume, tricking his victims into thinking the whole thing is a joke before killing them as well? 11/10 chance that guy is a Sagittarius too.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 20th)
Buffalo Bill, Silence of the Lambs
Capricorns outward exteriors are known for playing by the rules, being generally agreeable and likeable. Deep down though, behind closed doors, these guys are some of the kinkiest people you’ll meet. Their ‘horny goat’ side really gets into fetishes, and one of our most beloved public figures, J. Edgar Hoover, was a deeply closeted cross-dresser. It stands within reason that our-second most beloved cross dresser, Buffalo Bill, was a Capricorn as well.
Aquarius (January 21st – February 19th)
Dr. Frank-n-Fruter, Rocky Horror Picture Show
The water bearer is commonly referred to as the mad scientist of the zodiac. Aquarius’s give little regard for tradition or convention, preferring to live life by their own rules. Dr. Frank-n-Fruter, played by none other than the devilish Tim Curry (two appearances in one list!), is the very definition of an Aquarius, being an unapologetically brilliant, fabulous cross-dressing alien scientist from none other than Transsexual, Transylvania.
Pisces (February 20th-March 20th)
Freddy Krueger, A Nightmare on Elm Street
Pisces, our last sign in the zodiac, is the ruler of dreams. Generally soft, sweet, romantic, loving people, the Pisces is rumored to have a little of each zodiac sign in them, meaning that when crossed, that softness goes gushing out the window and is replaced by one sick, twisted temper. Being the ruler of dreams, it makes perfect sense that Freddy, our resident Piscean psychopath killer, can easily slip between realities and we all know what happens when he does that.
When you die in your dreams…you die for real.