1. “My mom won’t let me go, maybe next time!”
Actually, I didn’t even ask her. If I did, she’d probably give me a hundred reasons why I should finally get out of the house, which is exactly why I didn’t tell her.
2. “I’m sorry.”
Odds are, I’m probably not. I know I shouldn’t be apologizing for anything right now because I know I did nothing wrong. But, if I don’t pick up the blame for the hundredth time, my anxiety says you’ll get mad at me and never talk to me again.
3. “I just love spending time alone.”
Not. One. Bit. Isolation is just anxiety’s way of keeping me a prisoner of my own thoughts. I’m also not as much of an introvert as I keep saying I am, but you’d never be able to tell.
4. “I’ll do it tomorrow.”
That final essay worth 50% of my grade? That summer job application? Yeah, we all know I’m not starting that until the very last minute, if ever. I call myself a “procrastinator”, but really the thought of starting something I might fail at makes me want to cry so I’m just going to forget about it for as long as I can.
5. “Ugh, I hate other people.”
Also, false. Truth is, I love people. I love the feeling you get when you meet someone you instantly connect with. But then again, anxiety tells me they’ll never love me back and will most likely leave in the end, so why bother?
6. “Yeah, I totally agree with you.”
To be honest, I think what you just said is the dumbest thing I’ve heard- but I’m going to pretend we’re on the same page so you’ll like me more.
7. “I love having short nails, long nails get in my way so much.”
Not like I would know, considering I’ve never been successful in growing them out. I’d actually love to have hands that don’t make me look a kindergartner, but my anxiety has other plans for me.
8. “I’ve tried it already and I didn’t like it.”
Translation: My anxiety convinces me out of trying anything new but I’m not going to tell you that, so I’m just going to lie through my teeth and pray you don’t ask me for more details.
9. “I’m such a night owl.”
Contrary to popular belief, eye bags are not my favorite accessory. I’d much rather be asleep at 3 AM than tossing and turning because I can’t stop playing out scenarios in my mind that will probably never happen.
10. “We have to drink tonight, we’ll have so much fun!”
Yeah, there’s really nothing fun about feeling nauseous and wasting money I don’t have on alcohol, but there’s also nothing fun about being at a social event with a bunch of people you don’t know. So, I’ll just keep downing that drink that (newsflash) actually tastes like shit.
11. “There’s no time like the present.”
This holds its truth, but every time I preach this to someone, I can’t help but feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world. I don’t live in the now and I sure as hell don’t make the most of every moment. Instead, you can find me constantly worrying about what my future will look like, and on my best days, questioning whether I’ll even have a future at all.
12. “I don’t even know if they answered my text. I haven’t checked.”
My phone spends most of its time glued to my hands- of course I know they haven’t answered. I’m not going to admit that to you, though, so I’ll just consider every “rational” possibility of why they haven’t answered for the next 2 hours, all while feeling like it must have been something I said that scared them away.
13. “I booked my doctor’s appointment already.”
We all know by “doctor”, I mean WebMD. My mind keeps telling me that I’m dying, but I’m scared of actually finding out something is wrong with me, so I’ll just sit here self-diagnosing myself and looking up symptoms on the 6th page of Google, while my computer contracts more viruses than I probably ever will.
14. “I’ll be there right on time.”
No, I’ll get there at least 30 minutes early because I can’t handle the mere thought of showing up late. And even though I know I left my house early on purpose, I’ll spend every other minute checking my phone for the time and cursing at every red light.
15. “It’s not a big deal. I forgot about it already anyways.”
I’ve replayed everything that happened a good 100 times already, each time thinking of what could have happened differently. “Forgetting” isn’t in my vocabulary, so I’ll probably remember what you said or did for a pretty long time, but not nearly as long as I’ll beat myself up for how I reacted to the situation.
16. “I’m over it.”
My anxiety. My past. I haven’t let go of any of it, no matter how much I’ve tried. I can’t just wake up one day and magically purge my mind of the memories; of the worries. I don’t want you to know how much all of this bothers me though, so I’ll put a smile on my face and tell you I’m doing just fine.