Text Messages You Would Love To Receive From Your Ex

The Initial Correspondence

Your ex: I’m miserable without you.

You: What? Is this a hallucination?

Your ex: I can’t stop thinking about you. I’m dating someone new but I hate them. They’re like a D-list version of you.

You: How dare you try to stuff me with compliments after what you did to me! Now please text me tomorrow with positive affirmations about myself. Goodnight!

The 4 a.m. Confession

Your ex: Babe, are you there? Hon? I know it’s 4 a.m. but let me know if you’re still awake…

You: I was sleeping, asshole. What do you want?

Your ex: I just wanted to let you know again that I love you and I miss you and I’m so sorry for dumping you.

You: What brought this on?

Your ex: Well, I was having sex with someone 20 minutes ago and all I could think about was how much I wished it was you who was on top of me and moaning in ecstasy.

You: Wait, you’ve been thinking about me while having sex with other people? That’s the sweetest thing that anyone has ever said to me!

Your ex: I’m literally obsessed with you, babe. I’ve been showing up to your work lately just so I could possibly run into you. Is that creepy?

You: No, I’ve been doing the same exact thing! You didn’t see me hiding in your trashcan the other day?

Your ex: No! You should’ve said hi, you dork! Let’s meet up now! I must see you.

You: Great. I’ll be on the corner of “This Is A Giant Mistake” and “But I’m Tired Of Masturbating”! See you in five.

The Post Meet-Up

Your ex: You looked stunning today.

You: Wow, thank you!

Your ex: I noticed that your hair looked hot, like it took you two hours to do, and that outfit you wore made you look 10 pounds skinnier. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I was going to get back together with you again but then I saw your hair and that slim-fitting outfit and I was like, “Yes! I definitely want this!”

You: It’s so funny that you say that because I said to myself, “If I wear his favorite outfit and do my hair the way he likes it, he’ll probably remember why he fell in love with me in the first place!”

Your ex: Well, it worked. That hair was a revelation.

You: I’m so glad that all my hard work paid off. I must tell my girlfriends about this!


Your ex: When we broke up, my friends got so annoyed with me because I couldn’t stop talking about you. It was bad. Like we’d walk past a nail salon and I’d be like, “My ex has nails…” and everyone would look at me like I was crazy.

You: OMG, me too. I thought I was the only one who was doing that! Sometimes I would go to the movies and think about that one time we almost went to a movie together.

Your ex: I can so relate.

You: What a relief!

Your ex: I did those things because I was so destroyed over our break up. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. I was starting to seriously worry about my mental health

You: Wait, you know I checked into a mental institution after we broke up, right?

Your ex: It wasn’t Silver Hill by chance, was it?

You: Yes!

Your ex: OMG, I was there too!

You: Shut up! We must’ve just missed each other.

Your ex: Must’ve. That’s so romantic, jesus…


 Your ex: I love you.

Your ex: I’m obsessed with you.

Your ex: I want to merge together like conjoined twins so we’re never apart.

Your ex: If I could walk around with my penis permanently inside of you, I would.

Your ex: I can’t breathe until I receive a text from you.

Your ex: Where r u?

Your ex: Where r u?

Your ex: Where r u?

Your ex: You’re the hottest person I’ve ever met.

Your ex: Where r u?

You: Oh sorry. I was busy not caring about you anymore. Thank you for validating me with your love and telling me that you also went psycho after the break up. I can rest easy now. TTYN! TC Mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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