The 10 Commandments For Friends With Benefits

Brooke Olimpieri
  1. Thou shalt never be close friends or close lovers with thy friend with benefits. Just comfortably distant everything.
  2. Thou shalt never get it twisted. Thou shalt always see thy friend with benefits as a buddy first and a hard cock/attractive vagina second. Any changes in feelings shall be reported to the other party immediately and be put under close examination.
  3. Thou shalt never give thy friend with benefits the following things: a mixed CD, a toothbrush, a massage, flowers, chocolate, a trip to the cinema or opera, a flirty comment on his or her Facebook wall, too many explanations.
  4. Thou shalt never get jealous of thy friend’s other relationships. It is illegal for thee to check thy friend’s text messages, hack into his or her email or ask, “Where the fuck was thee last night?! I tried calling thee 8,000 times last night!”
  5. Thou shalt never expect more from thy friend with benefits than an orgasm. Cuddling shall be kept to a minimum to avoid confusion. Thou shalt only make thy friend with benefits feel like a sexual animal with needs that must be met.
  6. Thou shalt only have sex with thy friend with benefits in the late hours of the night and early morning. Thou shalt never bone thy friend at 3:00 in the afternoon. That would mean tenderness, romance, a relationship, direct sunlight. Thou shalt never want that from thy friend with benefits.
  7. Thou shalt be drunk a lot whilst hooking up with thy friend with benefits. Drunk kissing, drunk touching, drunk undressing, drunk coming, drunk leaving. Thou shalt use alcohol as a shield from acquiring true feelings for thy friend with benefits. The arrangement shall exist under a filmy gauze. Thou shalt think privately that thy friend with benefits is two personality traits away from being the perfect significant other. So close, no relationship.
  8. Thou shalt realize there’s an expiration date for friends with benefits. Thou shalt understand that thou can only lie with thy friend with benefits naked so many times before things get muddled. After cumming a certain amount of times together, it’s only natural for someone to be tricked into having a false sense of closeness with their mate.
  9. Thou shalt eventually break it off and have no feelings of ill will. Thou shalt see thy friend with benefits at parties occasionally and wish they could still go home with thee. Thou will occasionally wonder if they made the right decision and if they could have ever loved thy friend with benefits. Those moments shall be fleeting.
  10. Lastly, thou shalt never watch the movie No Strings Attached with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman in an attempt to relate or gain understanding about the unique arrangement of friends with benefits. TC mark

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    10. made me laugh

  • azi

    you'll have a hard time topping yesterday's article

  • PERFECTCIRCLES

    I hope no one has actually tried this.

  • DK

    I'd love to share this with my former FWB's, but I'd probably be breaking rule #3.

    • KMS

      This is missing quotation marks and a credit to the author!

  • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

    #8 is the one everyone seems to forget.

  • Guessed

    I love this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/sasjam Sas Jam

    Thank you for 10.

  • Rachel Butters Scotch

    This is how I treat all of my relationships.

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    True. How many times can you fuck before feelings happen. #8!

  • erin

    i'd rather have a good friend for life than ruining it by fucking them (no matter how hot they areeee) re: #8. good post!

  • SousChefGerard

    Once you get to #7, the writing is on the wall. Everything up till that is bananas.

  • eddyindigo

    This sounds like my first relationship. Or rather, “relationship.” Oops.

  • http://twitter.com/godworm Nicholas Cox

    Okay: If this article is supposed to be “10 Commandments” then why is there a picture of God giving the “touch of life” to Adam? Shouldn't there be a picture of Moses instead? Just saying.

    • Angela

      Looks like you've been making it to Sunday school, fancy pants!

      • http://twitter.com/godworm Nicholas Cox

        wait—you haven't?

  • Starlynchimes

    Friends with benefits equals to just a way to get it out of your system, the cheaper and affordable way possibly safer way too. But really can we have sex and not have any feelings for the other party?

  • Mc6466

    yep, #3 did it for me, too! Failed miserably…

  • beet

    We pretty much broke all of them. We've always been best friends, I always gave him massages and still do. Others we/I have broken are cuddling, given gifts (before the benefits were added), getting jealously, ans sex in the afternoon.

  • Chloe

    10. kept us together, and made us laugh about 1-9. i’m glad we lost sight of where to draw the line.

  • http://meanredproductions.com/4407 Friends with Benefits/Top Three Rules Found Online: « MeanRed Productions

    […] 1. Thou shalt never give thy friends with benefits the following things: a mixed CD, a toothbrush, a… […]

  • Thought Catalog

    Reblogged this on Skirt and commented:
    We’ve broken every one except 10…

  • http://setoshino.wordpress.com Setoshino

    Reblogged this on The World Without Us.

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