Top Ten Celebrity Excuses for Acting Completely Insane

The only thing celebrities love more than themselves is lying. Exhaustion, asthma attacks, allergic reactions: These are the official reasons why celebrities do such nutty things but we know the truth. “Asthma” is usually code for coke binge, and “allergic reaction” typically means overdose.  Here are the top ten excuses celebrities have made, translated into cold harsh reality.

1. “I’m afraid of needles!”

Liar: Mischa Barton

Bullshit Meter: 9

Remember when Mischa Barton was placed under a 51/50 and spent two weeks in a mental hospital last year? Now, she’s telling everyone that it all stemmed from having her wisdom teeth removed. She explains, “I’d had enough (of the pain) and I went to the hospital. I am terrified of needles and they wanted to pump me full of drugs and I said, “No, absolutely not. I don’t want to be here,” and got into a fight with the nurses, and that led to my 5150.’ Okay, Mischa. No one’s going to believe that you’re afraid of needles because you look like Amy Winehouse’s wacky cousin. Also, it’s hard to believe that someone could be placed under a 51/50 for simply arguing with a nurse. Liar, Liar, skinny jeans on fire!

2. “I had cramps!”

Liar: Nicole Richie

Bullshit Meter: 6

Today, Nicole Richie is a doting mother of two children, married and an author. But in 2006, she was starving, recovering from heroin addiction and apparently suffering from really bad cramps. In December, she was pulled over for committing the simple mistake of driving on the wrong side of the freeway. Richie admitted to police that she had been self-medicating with pot and Vicodin for her menstrual cramps and was given a court hearing. Seeing as I’m a male, I’m in no position to judge the pain level of cramps. However, I sincerely doubt that the 80-pound Richie needed a narcotic to deal with her period. In the end, she only ended up serving 82 minutes in jail and got a really chic mugshot to boot.

3. “I thought it was gum!”

Liar: Paris Hilton

Bullshit Meter: 10

We all know Paris Hilton isn’t the sharpest stiletto in the closet but this excuse really took the cake. While partying in Las Vegas this past August, police approached Hilton’s vehicle after smelling marijuana through her open window and decided to search her purse. Along with probably finding dogs from the animal shelter and lip gloss, police also found under a gram of cocaine. Paris immediately denied the purse was even hers and then told cops she thought the cocaine was gum. The only thing cocaine and gum have in common is that they both make your mouth move a lot. Which, in Paris Hilton’s case, is almost always a bad thing.

4. “I had an allergic reaction!”

Liar: Charlie Sheen

Bullshit Meter: 10

Being Charlie Sheen’s publicist must be a very difficult job. Not only does he like to occasionally beat up his girlfriend, he also loves hookers and cocaine. In October, Sheen was caught indulging in both in his destroyed hotel room at The Plaza Hotel, where he was found naked and under the influence of cocaine. His PR team immediately went into damage control, claiming that it was an adverse reaction to a medication that caused Sheen to put coke up his nose and break things in his hotel room. Stars: they’re just like us!

5. “I didn’t even know those people!”

Liar: Lindsay Lohan

Bullshit Meter: 8

Lindsay Lohan is the ultimate excuse-maker. If she’s speaking, chances are it’s probably bullshit. This past May, the actress partied in Cannes instead of going to her court date, telling the judge that her passport had been stolen. The next day, photos emerged of her partying at the film festival with two people next to a few lines of coke. The actress immediately went on the defense, explaining that the people in the photo were fans that had asked her to take a picture with them. The judge didn’t buy it. We didn’t buy it. And now she’s living la vida rehab.

6. “I was totes depressed!”

Liar: Kirsten Dunst

Bullshit Meter: 4

After she finished filming Marie Antoinette, there were rumblings that Kirsten Dunst was partying a little too hard.  At Sundance, she reportedly showed up to screenings intoxicated and on the gossip blogs, she earned the unfortunate nickname, Kirsten Drunkst.  It came as no surprise then when the actress checked into the famed rehab, Cirque Lodge, in Utah. Her publicist insisted it was for depression, not alcohol abuse, but it was probably a little bit of both. Depressed people drink a lot because they’re sad. And then the drinking makes them more depressed. Before you know it, they check into a super chic rehab center in Mormon country to deal with their problems.

7. “I was exhausted!”

Liar: Mariah Carey

Bullshit Meter: 9

Mariah Carey has always been a little wacky but remember when she was, like, really crazy? I do. The year was 2001 and she was about to release the imminent box office disaster, Glitter. The first sign that Mariah had been drinking the Kool-Aid was when  she decided to take a bath on national television for MTV Cribs. Shortly thereafter, she showed up unannounced to TRL to do a striptease and hand out ice cream to audience members. A very bizarre interview with Carson Daly ensued in which she told America, “Every now and then, somebody needs a little therapy.”  She also said,  “All I know is I just want one day off when I can go swimming and look at rainbows and like eat ice cream. And maybe like learn how to ride a bicycle.” Mariah’s wish was (sort of) granted when she checked into a mental health facility a few days later. “Exhaustion” is the official reason why Mariah went away but we suspect it had more to do with her chemical imbalances.

8. “I’m having issues with my voice!”

Liar: Whitney Houston

Bullshit Meter: 2

Whitney Houston’s voice troubles are legendary. Throughout the years, she’s angered concert promoters and fans by canceling gigs last-minute, always citing vocal difficulties as the reason. Before Whitney was exposed to the world as a literal crackhead, many assumed her excuse was bullshit. But when she began her lackluster comeback tour, in which Houston had trouble performing many of her old hits, people realized that years of crack use had actually ravaged her vocal chords.  Lesson learned: crack is, in fact, whack. This is a rare case of a celebrity telling the truth (albeit to conceal a darker secret).

9. “I was researching for a role!”

Liar: Winona Ryder

Bullshit Meter: 10

When a rich person gets caught shoplifting, it must be super mortifying. When a famous actress like Winona Ryder gets caught, it’s downright bizarre. In 2001, Winona Ryder was caught stealing over $5,000 worth of stuff from Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills. When the police asked her, “Um, so why did you take this stuff again?” Winona was all, “I’m researching for a role!” Talk about going method and having a dedication to the craft. I wonder if Winona checked into a mental institution in preparation for Girl, Interrupted. Or went into space for her cameo in Star Trek.

10. “I was just giving someone a ride home!”

Liar: Eddie Murphy

Bullshit Meter: 9

One late night in 1997, Eddie Murphy made a terrible mistake. While driving around West Hollywood, he offered a transvestite hooker a “ride home” and she accepted his generous offer. If text-messaging had existed in 1997, I’m sure the hooker would’ve texted her friends something like, “OMG. The guy from Nutty Professor just picked me up! If you need me, I’ll be at the motherfucking Sunset Marquis, bitches!” But they didn’t make it to their destination. No, sir. Shortly after driving off together in the cold dark night, a cop put on his siren and pulled the actor over to assess the potentially illegal situation. Eddie Murphy assured the officer that he was just being a good Samaritan by giving this prostitute a ride home. If being a kind-hearted actor is a crime, then lock him up and throw away the key! The officer believed Eddie “Good Samaritan” Murphy but the cruel public didn’t. They jumped on the story, making fun of the actor mercilessly for his good deed! Murphy eventually released a statement saying, “”I’m married with three children. I’m not going to be out there screwing hookers off the street or anything like that. I’m just being a nice guy. I was being a good Samaritan. It’s not the first hooker I’ve helped out. I’ve seen hookers on corners, and I’ll pull over and they’ll go, ‘Oh you’re Eddie Murphy, oh my God,’ and I’ll empty my wallet out to help.” Did you hear that, hookers of America? Eddie Murphy wants to give YOU a ride home. Praise Jesus! Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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