Drugs I Will Never Try

Drugs are fun. Drugs are crazy. Drugs are life-ruining nightmares. Drugs are drugs. Like any self-respecting middle-class white boy, I’ve tried my fair share of them. I’ve snorted, swallowed, inhaled. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve almost died (Not really, Mom.) Done in moderation, drugs have their rightful place in the world. They enhance experiences and make for a good story when you’re 35 and paying taxes and only smoke the occasional joint. There are certain drugs, however, that don’t belong anywhere near me. These drugs terrify me and contradict my very being. These are it.


The Kind of Person Who Does Them: Bearded men who believe in conspiracy theories. Earthy chicks who buy organic and have an appetite for enlightenment.

Why I’ll Never Do It: Of my group of friends, I’m probably the only person who hasn’t tried ‘shrooms. I haven’t ingested fungi, danced in a meadow in Santa Cruz and felt like the sun was speaking to me. My main beef with ‘shrooms is the whole “hallucination” thing. Call me cray cray but I don’t think it’s fun to see things that aren’t actually there. I have trouble seeing real people like Heidi and Spencer Pratt without having a nervous breakdown so I doubt seeing the wall move and turn into different shapes would be fun for me. I’ve also heard about people having bad trips and feeling like they’re being dragged to Hell. No, thanks. I’ve been to Hell and its called Christmas with my family. I have no desire to go there twice a year.

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