Find a supermarket that has black beans on sale. Buy as much as you can. Then buy 5 or so pounds of Carolina rice, a bag of onions, a few bulbs of garlic, and a box of Goya Sazon.
Set 2 cups of water to boil
Dick around on reddit until the water is boiling
Throw in one cup of rice, turn the heat down to simmer and lid that shit
Slice up a small onion
Smash up a clove of garlic
Throw some olive oil or butter into a HOT pan.
Throw the onions and garlic into the pan and fry them till the onion gets glassy. Throw some salt in there.
Grind some pepper in there for good luck.
Toss in half a packet of Sazon and stir till you get a paste. Now you have a ghetto sofrito.
Dump in your can of beans bean juice and all.
Stir that shit up.
Add a pinch of Cayenne pepper so you remember that you have a set of cojones
Set that shit on simmer
Your rice is done.
Throw the beans on top.
You should get at least 2 meals out of one can of beans, and if your lucky you can get black beans 2 for $1. Adding the cost of the Garlic, Sazon and a small onion and you still eat a tasty, hearty, relatively healthy meal for less than $1.
OK, first of all, fuck eating lips and assholes. There is a much, much tastier option that has kept millions of starving boriquas alive for generations: PORK SHOULDER.
In my neighborhood in Brooklyn, Pork shoulder is 79 cents a pound. That’s right. 79 cents. A package of hot dogs at $2.50 is more than double the price and has offal and all sorts of vile shit inside.
Buy yourself a nice meaty pork shoulder. 5 lbs should do nicely.
Bring that fucker home and get out a long, thin knife.
In a pilon (that’s a mortar and pestle gringo) smash up a few cloves of Garlic, some sazon, some, salt, some pepper, and some oil. Grind it up GOOD. Now you have another ghetto sofrito.
Take your knife and stab some holes in the pig. Twist the knife around so the holes get nice and wide.
Now, take some of your sofrito and stuff it into the holes. Don’t be shy blanco, ram it in there. Use the remainder to roughly coat the outside of the pig. RUB IT. CARESS IT. This pig died so that you may eat. Salt that shit all over the outside and crack some fucking pepper on there.
Set your oven for ~300 degrees
Throw the pork in skin side up and WAIT.
It’s going to take like 45 minutes a pound…
A warning: The smell is going to drive you fucking INSANE. You have to wait this part out. Farm work is the best cure.
After an an hour and a half, jab it with a meat thermometer, but remember to not rest it on the bone, or you will get a bad reading.
You should be at around 150-160 degrees. Now comes the fun part. CRANK the stove up to 400 degrees. This will give you an orgasmic, crispy skin that will make your pork rinds taste like year old cardboard comparison.
At 170 ish? Pull that fucker out, but DON’T carve it up. You need to wait at least ten minutes otherwise all those sweet, sweet pig juices will dribble the fuck out. WAIT.
Congratulations. You just made Pernil. A five pound Pernil should give you meat for at least a week. SAVOR IT BROTHER. SAVOR IT
Fuck me. Green plantains are usually like 5 for a fucking dollar!
Here’s my mom’s recipe:
Fry up some bacon. Set the bacon aside and save that lovely, glistening fat.
Take a plantain and run a knife down the side and split the skin off without breaking the plantain. This takes a bit of practice.
Slice up the plantain into ~1/3 inch thick slices. Throw them into a bowl of ice water.
You have a fry daddy? You’re golden papi. No? Pour around half an inch of oil into a frying pan. Corn oil works best, olive oil smokes too easily. Get that shit hot! Throw in your bacon grease.
Take your sliced up plantains out of the ice water and drain them or even pat them with a paper towel till they’re dry.
Fry em up until they just turn golden.
Throw them in the freezer for 10 minutes.
Now, here is where you become a MAN: Get yourself a flat bottom glass and a cutting board or a plate. Throw some flour on there. Smash the plantains with the cup. You may need a spatula to get them off the board…
Fry em AGAIN until they are golden and crispy!!
10 lbs of potatoes
1 medium Onion (onion powder would do the trick in a pinch)
3/4 cup (stick and a half) of butter (and by butter, I mean margarine)
1 cup (or more) of shredded cheese
1 cup of milk (evaporated milk is probably even better if you have a can of that)
garlic powder/salt/pepper to taste (if you find you have no garlic powder but a few cloves of garlic, 2 or 3 little pieces boiled with the potatoes then fished out with the onion will be fine)
This will make TONS of soup. It’s super filling. I made this tonight and it easily made over a gallon of soup. I’m home from college for the summer and my family is at the bottom of the barrel as far as money goes too.
Peel the potatoes, chop them into 1 inch cubes and drop them into a pot of water. Peel the onion. Set the whole onion in the pan of potatoes (make sure everything is covered with water), boil until the potatoes are done. Take the onion out of the water. Turn the heat down to low/medium. Put the butter in, stir until melted. Stir in the milk. Add in the cheese. This should thicken the soup considerably. It will taste good whether thick or not, but if you want to add some more thickness to it, just add some instant potato flakes until it’s a good consistency.
Toast Sandwich. Hear me out.
Get three pieces of bread, and toast one. Put the piece of toast between two pieces of bread, maybe add a little pepper if you’re feeling crazy.
The mix of textures and heats tastes actually pretty okay somehow?
BONUS LEVEL: put a piece of bread between two pieces of toast.
I call my recipe “Free pizza for life.”
Step 1. Go to Little Caesars 10 minutes after they close
Step 2. Open their dumpster
Step 3. Get 5-15 still hot, hot and ready pizzas.
Step 4. Eat them for the rest of the week.
Cook some rice. Cook some corn. Mix Rice and Corn in a bowl. Pour half a bottle of hot sauce into the bowl. Mix again. One satisfied black man.
A bottle of the cheapest vodka you can buy. Savor the hunger and sadness.
Potatoes. Boil em mash em cook em in a stew.
They’re extremely filling. You can do the above, you can also fry them, bake them, do them in their jackets then cover the things in baked beans or anything else really. Smashed potatoes are amazing.
This was described to me as “bachelor salad”.
Cut a head of iceberg lettuce into quarters. (So that it looks like melon wedges.)
Lean over the sink with the wedge in one hand and a bottle of salad dressing in the other hand.
Pour some dressing on the corner of the lettuce wedge.
Bite. Chew. Swallow.
Return to step 3 until the wedge is gone.
Ready for this?
Replace that american or cheddar cheese with mozzarella slices. Two, to be exact. In between those slices, lay 5 slices of pepperoni.
Butter both pieces of bread and cook it up until the cheese is melted.
BAM. Grilled. Fucking. Cheese. Pizza. Dip it in Ragu and you’re eating like a king.
I can tell you what not to do… Do not under any circumstances put ranch dressing on ramen noodles… I almost threw up
I can tell you what is good with ramen, fucking sriracha and beer (or peanut butter).
Boil the noodles, drain.
Add one shot of whiskey (or soy sauce).
Add two tablespoons of cheap beer (can be substituted for peanut butter.)
Add two TEAspoons of sriracha.
Lastly, eat that shit up and never look back.
Spam and hot water. I call it ham water.
Peanut butter sandwiches dipped in hot chocolate. Fills you up and it’s delicious
Pizza-buns. Take any sort of bun (like a hamburger bun or a kaiser or whatever), cut it in 2 halves, add some marinara sauce and cheese, and if you’re feeling special some pepperoni and oven that shit. Microwave if you’re really poor.
a spoonful of peanut butter and tap water
Ramen noodles, with twice the water, so it stretches to two days.
If you score a loaf of bread and a package of that really thin lunchmeat at the same time, you’re set for about 10 days. 1 slice of bread, one slice of meat each day. Saves on your Ramen, too.
If you get a piece of citrus fruit, don’t throw away the rind. Suck on it; you’ll usually last a couple hours feeling like you’ve eaten. Plus, it’s really a wonderful change from bread and Ramen.
Snow and ice will make you feel full, and for the most part no one will yell at you for taking it. Just bundle up really well in the car that night. It gets cold.
They usually don’t bother you if you sit quietly in a corner of a coffee shop or sub shop for a few hours to warm up. The smell makes it feel like you’ve eaten, as well.
I’ve got more, but that was a rather difficult time in my life. Rather not continue.
Pasta, crushed garlic and olive oil.
Cook the pasta as directed by the packet.
Heat the oil over a medium heat and fry the garlic until slightly brown.
Toss the pasta through the garlic oil.