Dirty Jokes

75+ Dirty Jokes That Are Never Appropriate But Always Funny in 2023

No matter the setting, these 50+ hilarious, unsavory jokes are never entirely appropriate. But if you’re bold enough to deliver a punchline, you deserve the laughs it’ll earn you.

Dirty Jokes for Her

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

What do women and noodles have in common?

Both wiggle when you eat them.

What do you get when you jingle a man’s balls?

A white Christmas.

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?

The man.

What does a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

Both have a wet nose.

Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a penis enlarger?

She just couldn’t take it any longer.

How does a woman scare their gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist.

Sex Jokes

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

What’s another name for a vagina?

The box a penis comes in.

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

What did the penis say to the vagina?

Don’t make me come in there!

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?


What’s the best part about sex with twenty eight year olds?

There are twenty of them.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

Want to know why they say eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?

Because if you eat that stuff, you’re sure to eat anything.

Rude Jokes

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party—except you.

Why do women have orgasms?

Just another reason to moan, really.

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?

If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can’t look down.

A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, “I shaved down there; you know what that means.”

The husband responds, “Yeah, the drain is clogged.”

What did one of the prostitute’s knees say to the other?

How come we spend so little time together?

What do you call two men fighting over a slut?


How is a woman like a road?

They both have manholes.

What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.

How are gay people like mice?

They both hate pussies.

Why did the snowman suddenly smile?

He could see the snowblower coming.

What’s the difference between a clitoris and a cell phone?

Nothing! Every cunt’s got one.

When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?

When he’s standing next you girlfriend saying that her hair smells nice.

What does a dumb slut say when you ask if she’s ever tried 69?

“Thirty dudes is the most I can screw in one night.”

How are women like linoleum floors?

If you lay ’em right the first time, you can walk all over them for the next 20 years or so.

Dirty Dad Jokes

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off.

What do you call a guy with a small dick?


Why are men like diapers?

They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.

What type of bird gives the best head?

A swallow.

What’s better than a cold Bud?

A warm bush.

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

What do you call a guy with a giant dick?


Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

Why do vegetarians give good head?

Because they’re used to eating nuts.

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

Funny Inappropriate Jokes About Religion

Why did God give men penises?

So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

How do you catch a naked man that breaks into a church?

Catch him by the organ.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.

Why did Jesus die a virgin?

Every single “wound” he touched closed up.

What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

A rabbi cuts them off. A priest sucks them off.

What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?

They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

Filthy Bathroom Jokes

What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor.

How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

“Together, we can stop this crap.”

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

Funny Adult Jokes

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in a different box.

What does the receptionist say as you leave the sperm bank?

“Thank you for coming!”

What do you call a nanny with breast implants?

A faux-pair.

How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates?

A tearjerker.

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.

What’s the real definition of a male chauvinist pig?

A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body—except his.

How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?

Once you take away the legs and the breasts you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.

What’s the best way to respond when a girls asks “what’s up”?

“If I tell you, will you sit on it?”

What does it mean if a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after a first date?

She’s got small tits.

Short Dirty Jokes

What’s long and hard and full of semen?

A submarine.

What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?

Fucking hot!

Why don’t little girls fart?

They don’t get assholes til they’re married.

What do you do when your cat’s dead?

Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.

What do you call an incestuous nephew?

An aunt-eater.

What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

How is life like a penis?

Your girlfriend makes it hard.

What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato?

A dictator.

Wanna hear a joke about my dick?

Nevermind. It’s too long.

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About the author

Mélanie Berliet

I adore the following, in no particular order: knee-high tube socks, acrostic poetry, and my little brother. Click here to learn more!