Thought Catalog

The 5 Types of Unanswered Ex Texts

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Breaking up is the worst. I mean, it may not actually be the worst, but it’s pretty bad. Even if the relationship was brief and seemed emotionally benign, even if you dumped the other person and felt totally confident in your decision to do so, even if prior to the relationship you were totally happy and healthy being on your own, sleeping in the same bed with someone for a while and then having no one to sleep in bed with fucks with your psyche somehow. It seems that when you were with the person, all you could focus on was his negative qualities; after you break up, all you can remember are his positive ones. You remember his smile, his laugh, the nice things he did for you, and the good parts of the sex you had; you forget his clinginess, selfishness and seeming insincerity. Before you dated the person, you were happy with being alone. Now, you feel lonely. Even though, objectively, nothing has changed, it just feels so different. Actually, maybe that’s precisely the problem: nothing has changed. You just go back to your life as it was, mourning the potential you thought was intrinsic in your now-dead relationship. You feel like a pod person, and a failed one at that.

Heightening the aforementioned emotional experiences is the ominous unanswered text message. Perhaps you’re just reaching out as a gesture of thoughtfulness, or perhaps it’s a deeper expression of longing, but whatever it is, if it goes unanswered, it can be, and usually is, quite hurtful. Here, the spectrum of texts you can send your ex and what the digital silence signifies.

1. “Hey. How are you?” (HAY)

This is the most basic of texts you can send your ex. Just a simple, hi, what’s up, how are you, how’s it going, that sort of thing. It can be sincere – perhaps you’re really just checking in to see how he’s doing – or it can be the gateway text to test the waters and see if your ex is interested in meeting up for some coffee, some dinner, or maybe some mind-blowing breakup/makeup sex. If your HAY is of the former, the responding silence will probably just briefly piss you off and not really have any further ramifications. But if your HAY is of the latter variety, you may experience soul-crushing devastation as you try to understand why this person who was just fucking you two days/weeks/months ago no longer seems interested in doing so.

2. “Hey. I’ve been thinking about you. Just wanted you to know.” (TAY)

A step up from a simple HAY, a TAY more directly expresses that you still have some sort of feelings for your ex slash want to get back together with him slash want to have sex, but that you don’t really have the balls to say it outright.  This is the sort of text you probably think about sending for a long time before you actually send it. Maybe you’re in your bathtub on a Saturday night drinking a beer, and you write five texts and delete them all before you finally just decide to be as direct and honest as possible without putting yourself so much on the line as to say, “I miss you.” No, no, no. The exquisite pain of an unanswered “I miss you” text (see below) is not something you can take in your fragile state. So you tone it down a few notches – because “thinking about” someone is definitely not the same as “missing” them, and as long as you can continue to convince yourself of this, you become invincible. Or so you think, until your TAY goes unanswered and you walk naked to your fridge, dripping water and hoping your roommate doesn’t come home anytime soon, to grab yourself another beer. You then climb back into your relaxing bath. This is now your life.

3. “I miss you.” (IMY)

Uh-oh. Shit just got real. This is the sort of caution-to-the-wind text you send someone in a moment of weakness, when you are so lonely, down or craving of sexual attention that you completely forget all the reasons you had previously compiled not to contact this individual and decide to get your dick out and wave it around in his face while you shout HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES. Rude. You also seem to have forgotten that if you truly want to express feelings for another human being, any real desire to get back together – whether it’s IRL or perhaps just for sex – you should probably call him and/or try to meet with him face-to-face like a goddamn adult. But you tell yourself this isn’t necessary, because you rationalize that the IMY, while definitely ballsy, isn’t a direct expression of wanting to reconcile. It’s just, OK, yes, I am feeble, I miss you. Are you also drunk right now? Wanna hook up? What are you gonna do about it? Huh? The silence is your answer: apparently nothing. Ouch.

4. “I saw on Twitter/Facebook/Tumblr that you’re at XYZ street fair near your apt. I’m there too! Want to grab a bite together?” (STALK)

The STALK is the expression of a lot of things at once, poorly hidden in the guise of just wanting to do some friendly street fair-ing. Number one, you’re stalking this person via social networking sites. This fact is even more obvious if, post-breakup, you unfollowed/unfriended the person – then it’s clear that you are going out of your way to check this person’s status updates and/or tweets, because it’s not like they’re just popping up in your newsfeed. Number two, you are in this person’s neighborhood? Why? If you live in New York, it’s highly unlikely that you live in the same hood as your ex, or that you even live in the same borough. So why are you in his hood? Thirdly, what you’re saying is really this: you want to stop whatever it is you happen to be doing in your ex’s hood in order to meet with him. You, sir, are willing to interrupt your ongoing activities just to have a potentially awkward public meet-up with a person who used to ravenously go down on you. Understandable, sure, but ultimately sad and ridiculous – the ridiculousness of which is amplified if you know that your ex is at said street fair “w/ @newbestfriend,” who may or may not actually be “@newloveofhislife.” And, lastly, the STALK usually comes after a previously ignored HAY, TAY or IMY. Come on, man. Have some self-respect. Step away from the falafel, and don’t send this text. Just don’t. Trust me.

5. “HEEEEY. It’s me. Remember me? Remember when you told me I changed your life? That everything that happened in your life before you met me led you to meeting me? Was any of that real? I’m just really doubting everything we had together. Sad.” (FML)

Usually sent as a desperate attempt at reconciliation following a set of ignored HAYs, TAYs, IMYs and STALKs, the FML is likely the result of a combination of things: mainly exorbitant alcohol consumption and diminished feelings of self-worth, but also maybe finding out that your ex is seeing someone new and perhaps that it’s serious. What?!, you might think. How could this person who once sent me flowers for absolutely no reason now be doing the very same thing for (gasp) someone else?! It’s a known fact that some people simply move on from relationships quicker than others, and if you, dear reader, are like me, then you are not one of these people. You’re the slow kid in school. You just always lag behind when it comes to getting over romantic partners. And, even though your friends tell you it’s not the case, you always question the sincerity of your ex’s feelings for you if he’s moved on super fast whilst you pine away for him. How could he have really cared for you if he’s already caring for someone else and taking her to the same restaurants he took you to? There’s nothing wrong with you, boo, but you can expect to go through more pain than the average Joe. But that’s OK! It just makes you stronger and more creative! Right? Just keep telling yourself that. You can bank that if your ex ignores the FML, the two of you have probably hit a wall and can’t even be friends, at least not for a good, long while. Stop drinking (so much), start going to yoga and remind yourself everyday that you are valuable, amazing and hot. Gradually you’ll start believing it again. TC mark

image – Mr. Jason Weaver
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More From Thought Catalog

The 5 Types of Unanswered Ex Texts is cataloged in , , , , , , , ,
  • http://twitter.com/jkymarsh J. Ky Marsh

    I love you, TC, but this is way, way too many pieces on relationships/breaking up/dating recently. Let's mix it up a bit.

    • Jordan

      Or write more interesting peices on relationships.  Less of this Marie Claire observational stuff…

      • http://twitter.com/nanabuuui Anna B

        WHOLE-HEARTEDLY AGREE! :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=3300410 Carl Cheng

    Lies. If you live in Manhattan (me included), chances are you don't date outside your borough much less a 20-block radius. I don't even go above 50th anymore.

    • Fasdflkasd

      Don't be that guy Carl Cheng.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I feel so sad. Post-graduation/breaking up with college.

  • Poob Smoad Attorney at Law

    This website is making me wonder about my own life.  Do normal people really date this much?  Is it not normal to not have had a real girlfriend in 3 years?  Do people really relate so easily in real life as to make this possible?

    Why does having a 'real' relationship seem completely implausible?

    • http://twitter.com/nanabuuui Anna B

      Real relationships mess you up. FORREAL. Speaking from my own experience at the moment, it turns you into a psycho lunatic (see Ryan's article about 'why it sucks to be in a relationship') :D

    • http://profiles.google.com/mopeyprincess mopey P

      Who said anything about needing a real relationship for this?

      Don't worry you can reach this state of neurotic insecurity based just on a 2-4 month causal and non-committed he's-not-my-boyf-we-just-see-each-other-6-days-a-week-but-I'm-starting-to-hate-him-oh-god pseudorelationship.

      • http://profiles.google.com/mcblaloc Meghan Blalock

        uncanny

  • Jordan

    I've been playing the 'Did Ryan Write it Or Not Game' with posts as of late.  I think I'm pretty good, but I was SURE this was one, considering his penchant for writing about texting and dating.

    • http://twitter.com/nanabuuui Anna B

      YAAY, I'm not the only one who plays that game. Awesome :3

  • Megdipaolo

    Oh dear, WTF does FML stand for? I am driving myself nuts. It's achingly obvious that I AM the slow kid all of a sudden.

    • Repaulsive

      fuck my life

  • http://www.vincentgalbo.com Duke Holland of Gishmale

    True story. 

    I once spun my dick through the air. I call it the helicopter. Ended up in handcuffs.

    • http://profiles.google.com/mcblaloc Meghan Blalock

      who are you? can we be friends?

      • http://www.vincentgalbo.com Duke Holland of Gishmale

        Sure, we can hang. As soon as I bust out of the slamma'. With my spinning dick.

      • http://profiles.google.com/mcblaloc Meghan Blalock

        Well I didn't bear witness to said moment, so there's no pressure. Instead, I'll just always be looking forward to the next moment of dick-swinging glory. Fool proof.

  • http://twitter.com/nanabuuui Anna B

    Win.

  • Paideumaxx

    Is it break up season? Oh well, I enjoyed this, at least someone else thinks about things like this as much as I do.

  • reyaizyu

    hilarious!

  • Dawn

    Meghan, I'm a huge fan of your blog and have been sharing your obsession with Thought Catalog over the past couple of weeks (saw you mention on twitter). SO happy to see your writing on here! Also this is beyond truthful and makes me totally shameful about the text I sent the other day to an ex. JEEZ WHY.

    • http://profiles.google.com/mcblaloc Meghan Blalock

      oh wow, thanks dawn! yeahhhh. we've all been there. shame spiral.

  • http://twitter.com/yanyun92 Lim Yan Yun

    “fuck you, you douchebag “(FYVM). you left that one out.

  • Johnny

    Sad but true. I just experienced all 5 levels of these texts including one new one that is similar in nature to he last. It’s called ‘I’m fucking someone else too’ ‘IfSet’… Lol. Got it three days after she said she couldn’t live without me. I gently reminded her that she could. In reality she may or not be, but I’ve moved on (she doesn’t know). The fact that she was angry enough to inform me is downright sad.

  • nae nae

    Thank-you, funny in some areas and so so true, this helped me a lot :) thanks.

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