Last month, I gathered everything that I could find about the upcoming 6th season of my favorite television show, “American Horror Story.” Information is scattered and piecemeal, some of it unverified, all of it shrouded in mystery considering we normally know almost every last detail of the upcoming season by now.
Instead, we’re left to speculate and ponder as Ryan Murphy PURPOSELY mocks us with these new teasers. THE QUESTION MARKS TAUNT ME!
So let’s break it down.
1: Monster Hand Grabs Baby Mobile Knife.
We zoom towards a baby’s bassinet in an empty room as a woman sings a creepy, wordless lullaby. A mobile hangs above the bassinet containing very unsafe-for-babies items, including several farm tools (a scythe, a butcher knife, something used to slaughter pigs?) and the number 6. The scythe looks like a question mark and the tools almost seem to spell out PIG. Then JUMP SCARE! Creepy green monster hand grabs the knife and yanks it away. Fin.
2: Other Monster Hands Grab Lady’s Ankle.
Overhead lights flicker on a set of metal stairs. A woman runs down them and several different creepy monster hands grab at her legs. At the bottom, one gets lucky and seizes her by the ankle. Lady screams. Fin.
3: Millipede Crawls Over Lady Gaga’s Face.
That’s basically it: a millipede crawls over what appears to be Lady Gaga’s face (with bright green eyes and bright red lips) before she looks up at us jarringly. The same wordless lullaby from 1 plays. Fin.
4: Creepy Outdoorsy Family Walks At Sunset.
This has a distinctly old-timey, Western prairie cult family sort of feel. A different wordless lullaby plays. A family of three — mother, child, father — hold hands as they walk towards the camera. Behind them, the sun is orange, illuminating mountains. Their eyes glow eerily. The mother may be wearing a veil? Fin.
5: Man Gets Head Stapled.
A filthy man with his head on a table winces and whimpers as someone else staples his skull. Our first bit of dialogue: “Try to keep it dry.” The voice is male, a little pretentious — almost sounds like Wes Bentley? The filthy man nods and puts a hand to his head in pain. He sounds very much like Denis O’Hare. The staples spell out ? 6. Fin.
6: Mysterious House Smokes In A Field.
A large, old-looking house alone in a field belches smoke from its chimney. The smoke spells out ? 6. The sound of a chainsaw rumbles, as well as a woman screaming. Fin.
So there you have it. 6 teasers for the upcoming 6th season, most of which seem to have nothing to do with each other. Will this be a fragmented season? Will it take place in many time periods, like Asylum? Is the theme simply ?, meant to imply mystery? WHEN WILL WE GET OUR ANSWERS BECAUSE I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL SEPTEMBER.
The only themes I’m picking up on in these teasers are:
• A rural setting
• Something to do with farming or farmland
• The supernatural
• Cult-like details
Now that I’ve gotten all that out of the way, let it be known that if AHS can pull all this off in one season and make it really scary, I will tip my hat. ALL of them. I will go buy hats to tip, even. Let me know in the comments if you have any more theories or findings!
“American Horror Story: ?????” airs September 14th on FX.