Whether you started dancing with her at a club, are on a blind date or are being introduced to a friend of a friend, these are 15 things you should never ask a girl you just met.
1. When are you due?
NEVER assume a girl is pregnant. EVER. When in doubt, just keep your mouth shut. Unless she blatantly confirms that she’s pregnant, you don’t even hint at it. And by “blatantly confirms,” I mean, she tells you the sex of the baby, describes the conception in detail and discusses her favorite baby names. Seriously, for the love of all that is holy, just zip it.
2. How much do you weigh?
I don’t know how this would ever come up in a normal conversation, but this one falls hand-in-hand with #1. I don’t even like being asked this question by my own doctor, so it definitely isn’t okay for you to do so. Oh, and never guess our weight either. That ish isn’t cute. Just like age, weight ain’t nothing but a number. Come to think of it, don’t ask us our age either. Unless we look SO young that statutory rape is a legitimate concern of yours.
3. Are you ovulating?
File this under instant lady boner killer. I understand that you’re just being extra cautious in the bedroom. But if you’re THAT paranoid about accidental pregnancies, maybe sex isn’t the best choice for you right now? Or maybe you should stop bringing random strangers home? Yeah, definitely the second one.
4. If I got you pregnant, would you have an abortion?
Topping the list of un-sexiest things you can ask a woman prior to getting it in. Because nothing gets our female parts quivering like a CIA-level interrogation about whether we’re pro-life or pro-choice.
5. Can I stick it in the backdoor?
Wait… WHAT? This is never okay, you guys. I don’t even have the strength and resolve to talk about how this isn’t even a fifth date sort of question. Some ladies are down with this swirl, others… not so much. Regardless, it’s like… we JUST met. Buy me a drink first and maybe ask me what my sign is? Damn, I’d even prefer if you asked if I was ovulating.
6. What’s your name, again?
There’s a reason Destiny’s Child and Rihanna were so concerned with the men in their lives saying and/or repeating their names. Because there is nothing worse than being dry humped at the club for multiple hours only to realize dude never even bothered to remember your name. You’ll shame spiral. Trust me.
Okay, so some girls might like this. And it’s all about context. For example, I can understand if a guy asks this at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night. You’ve both had some drinks and things could get weird. But 3 p.m. on a Tuesday afternoon? Homeboy…. cojelo con take it easy. It ain’t sexy, it ain’t charming and it won’t get my panties off.
8. So… what’s your number?
And no, this doesn’t mean your phone number. Whether a lady has a “number” in the single, double (or even triple) digits, it’s hers to know and hers alone. Maybe she’ll share it with some gal pals, or with a serious boo down the road, but a dude she just met? Yeah, don’t expect a truthful answer. And even if there’s no shame in her game, the mere fact that you’re asking is enough to shut your ish down.
9. Wanna go back to my place?
Okay, maybe this is just me, but does no one else get the overwhelming feeling that they’re going to be murdered when a guy IMMEDIATELY wants to get you out of your current location and into his condo? “We won’t have sex, I promise.” Homie, that’s not the issue right now. The issue is the missing persons report my mother may have to file tomorrow morning. Maybe I watched too many serial killer specials on TV growing up, but the possibility is totally real. Right? It’s also presumptuous to think that you’re oh-so attractive that the only thing I want to do is get the heck out of this bar and tear your pants off. Just sayin’.
10. Is that/are those your real [insert body part or physical feature here]?
Always assume yes. We all have “our thing” and there’s no need to point it out to us. We’re not ashamed of our enhancements per say, but we see the twinkle escape your eye when you realize that no, we’re not natural blondes and yeah, these may just be brand new tatas. We’re happy with our deception, so just play along.
11. Are you bi?
Well, I don’t know what gave you that impression, but how is this an appropriate icebreaker? IT ISN’T. Yeah, you saw me dancing with my mains, but we’re not all having a sexy slumber party after this. And if we were, you are most certainly not invited. And fellas, if you do ask and get an affirmative response, do not follow up with “wanna have a threesome?” Just be happy you got away with asking one deviant question to begin with. Push your luck, and you may find a drink splashed in your face and a swift kick headed toward your balls.
12. Do you hate men?
This one is a companion to another favorite, “are you a feminist?” Just because I haven’t been salivating over your tired pick-up lines and sad seduction techniques doesn’t mean I’m automatically a man-hater. Excuse me for having some standards. And sorry that I’m above that watered down drink you sent over and that wink that looks like you have a facial tick. Move it right along, buddy.
13. Can I kiss you?
If you have to ask, odds are that the answer is probably no. And while some gals may like the respectful nature of the question, others consider confidence sexy and will automatically think you’re a lame for asking. Just go in for the kill. The worst that can happen is that you’ll get rejected. I know this is like the end of the world for you, but you’ll live to see another day.
14. Wanna split this?
I’m all about equal rights and being all I am woman hear me roar, but if you invite me out, I’m expecting you to cover all expenses. Especially if we’re just grabbing a McGriddle in the morning. I mean… c’mon now!
15. What’s your credit score?
I mean, seriously?