Lorenzo Jensen III

“Why do women get mad at their SO for something they ‘did’ in a dream?”

“You’re my favorite person besides every other person I’ve ever met.”

“If things are tense, hug each other for 20 seconds.”

“You’re both the best and the worst thing to ever happen to me. Also, I miss you.”

“Seriously, even a moderately attractive guy playing with his cute dog = ovaries exploding.”

“When she says, ‘If you can’t handle me at my worst…’”

“She thought Hitler was still alive and asked why we haven’t stopped him.”

“Whatever was behind me was evil.”

“She turned her eyeless face toward me….”

“She thought Al Qaeda was a lone terrorist named Al.”

“He thought cheese was a vegetable.”

“It was sheer passion. I had been stuck in a dead relationship for far too long.”

“Someone finally took an interest in me and made me feel beautiful, so I slept with him.”

“Stop eating our French fries. If you wanted fries you should have ordered some. I feel very strongly about this.”

“He was the creepiest person I ever met.”

“God, he is an asshole.”

“Apparently, a woman walked into his shop and asked him to tattoo a handicapped symbol right above her vagina.”

“He works in the food court, I work at a Fortune 500 company.”