1. She told me that thinking hard gave her headaches.
“My ex told me that thinking hard gave her headaches, so she tried to avoid it.”
2. She thought Al Qaeda was a lone terrorist named Al.
“Girl I dated for 5 years thought Al Qaeda was a lone terrorist named Al.”
3. She asked me what goes in a black coffee.
“She asked me what goes in a black coffee.”
4. She pointed up at a bluish star and sincerely asked, ‘Is that Earth?’
“When she pointed up at a bluish star and sincerely asked ‘Is that Earth?’”
5. I watched her water her plastic plant three times.
“When I saw her water her plastic plant for the third time. Dunno, the first two times I was sort of stunned and curious. The second time she actually said, ‘The water goes right through.’”
6. She thought ‘north’ was ‘the direction in front of you.’
“Was on a hike and was following a trail I had read up on online. We get to a fork and I say, ‘Okay now we need to go north.’ She says, ‘haven’t we been this whole time?.’ Confused, I look at her and ask why she says that. She replies ‘north is the direction in front of you yeah?’ Still not entirely sure about the origins of that logic…”
7. We got into a legit argument over how many years there are in a decade.
“When we got into a legit argument over how many years there are in a decade. Baby, if you are reading this, there are only 10 years in a decade. Not 12.”
8. She asked me if bears laid eggs.
“Watching a wildlife documentary and my girlfriend asked me if bears laid eggs.”
9. She thought that the past was black and white.
“That the past was black and white. She was serious.”
10. She thought Paul Revere was a headless horseman.
“My girlfriend at the time genuinely believed that it was the headless horseman that ran though Lexington and Concord shouting, ‘The British are coming, the British are coming!’”
11. She thought Africa was one country.
“She argued with me for 30 minutes that Africa was one country. Funny bit: I’m half-Egyptian.”
12. She ordered steak ‘al dente.’
“She told the server she liked her steak ‘al dente.’”
13. She and her best friend argued over whether Canada was a language or a state.
“My girlfriend and her best friend got in an argument whether or not Canada was a language or a state. My girlfriend was arguing it was a state.”
14. She thought we could get to the moon if we built an underwater spaceship.
“She tried to argue that we could get to the moon easier if we just built a spaceship that could go underwater, and flew it through the ocean to the moon during the day time rather than straight up.”
15. She thought the word ‘erect’ only applied to penises.
“When she flipped out because her third grader came home with ‘erect’ on a spelling list, and was on the verge of calling the school. She honestly had lived her entire life not knowing ‘erect’ had any other use aside from describing a penis.”
16. She got pissed that my cat got her a present and I didn’t.
“I had been dating this girl for a few months and it was Christmas time. We weren’t super -serious but it was serious enough that I was buying her Christmas presents. I found something for her that was perfect and it had a connection to some funny event involving her and my cat. So I made the present from the cat. I thought I was being cute and she would make the connection. Instead, she got pissed that my cat got her a present and I didn’t. I thought she was joking. To make matters worse we were at her parents’ place and they backed her up. It was extremely awkward and I realized it wasn’t going to work out.”
17. She didn’t know what a noun is.
“She got me Mad Libs and when it was her turn to do a noun she asked ‘What is a noun?’ I said ‘it’s a person, place, or thing.’ There was a long silence as she thought. It went on for so long that I thought she must be thinking of the best noun I had ever heard. Then she said ‘place.’”
18. She thought reindeer were fairy-tale characters.
“We were watching Django, and during the winter training montage there is a moment where the camera pans over a herd of reindeer. At that moment my ex said something about how she thought it was weird that they would include reindeer in the movie because it kind of breaks the immersion. I was confused and asked what she meant by that. She went on to explain to me how reindeer weren’t real animals and just make believe like characters in a fairy tale (aka Rudolph & the rest of Santa’s reindeer).”
19. She thought the only way you could get pregnant from a rape is if you loved your rapist.
“When she told me that babies could only happen if there were love, and the only way to get pregnant from a rape is if you loved your rapist.”
20. She trusted her body not to get pregnant.
“We were 16 at the time and went to go have sex. I realized I didn’t have any condoms and then when she told me I didn’t need one because ‘I trust my body not to get pregnant.’ I asked her what she was talking about and she told me it takes conscious effort to become pregnant and if she didn’t want to be she would never conceive.”
21. She thought buffalos were pigs.
“We were at a restaurant and she saw a picture of a buffalo and said ‘I wanna eat that pig.’ I was dying laughing. Probably one of the funniest people I’ve dated, but definitely wasn’t too sharp.”
22. She tried to convince me that the Pacific Ocean was freshwater.
“When she tried to convince me that the Pacific Ocean was freshwater.”
23. She thinks Celsius is cold and Fahrenheit is hot.
“I can’t get my girlfriend to understand that Celsius and Fahrenheit are the same thing…she thinks Celsius is cold and Fahrenheit is hot.”
24. She told me that our horoscopes had changed and it was a bad idea to be together.
“She told me with a straight face that our horoscopes had changed and it was a bad idea to be together.”
25. She used her Social Security Number as a password.
“She told me her most common password was very secure because it was a bunch of random numbers…her Social Security number.”
26. She spelled the word ‘obsessed’ as ‘upsest.’
“We were texting back and forth and she said she was ‘upsest with Bon Jovi.’ I realized that it was a typo and asked why she was upset with Bon Jovi and she said ‘No, I love him… I’m upsest with him.’”
27. She thought the sun and moon were the same thing.
“Driving down the road and the moon is visible during the day…
Her: how is the moon out at the same time as the sun?
Me: sometimes that happens, it’s not that uncommon.
Her: no they are the same thing so how can we see both at the same time?!
Me: …The sun and the moon are 2 different things, are you serious?
Her: yea, not everyone went to college like you schoolboy.
Me: you learn this in like 2nd grade…
She was in her early 30s…”
28. She didn’t know that cows could be brown.
“She was out for a run one day and when she came back she said an animal charged at her, so she cut her run short. I asked her what it looked like, and she said, ‘like a cow, but brown.’ It was a cow.”
29. She called me from the store to ask where they sold the ‘brown hamburger meat.’
“When she thought I was crazy for putting Pop Tarts in a toaster. Or maybe it was the time she tried making hamburger helper for the first time at 27 years old and called me from the store to ask where they sold the ‘brown hamburger meat’… I’m wasting away to nothing…send help. Oh I almost forgot the best part…she’s teaching your children right now in a public school.”
30. She said she wished she had been born in 2030 so she could live 970 years.
“She said on multiple occasions that she wished she had been born in 2030 so she could live to see the year 3000. That’s 970 years, folks.”
31. She said, ‘Wait, what bridge?’ when I said, “We will cross that bridge when we come to it.’
“I say, ‘We will cross that bridge when we come to it.’ She replies, after a long pause, ‘Wait, what bridge?’”
32. She didn’t know that raisins were dried grapes.
“We were using a dehydrator to make some dried fruit chips. Apples, bananas, etc. She looks at me and says, ‘I wonder what dehydrated grapes would taste like?’ Me, ‘Probably a lot like raisins.’ Her, in all seriousness, ‘Do you really think so?’”
33. She was freaked out by her urethra and thought it was a second hole in her vagina.
“She said there was something wrong with her vagina; that there was another hole in there. It was her urethra.”