1. A shaving-cream can. Value size. Cap included.
“A shaving-cream can. Value size. Cap included.
More info: The guy, who actually looked like Santa minus the uniform, actually drove himself to the ER, walked in, sat in the triage room and was 100% honest about what happened and what was in there.
I had worked years in this small ER to get a story like this. I couldn’t have been happier.”
2. A full-size pineapple, leaves first.
“My mom is a nurse and came home crying one day because a guy came into the hospital with a full-size pineapple up his ass….leaves first.”
3. A fork. Forky end first.
“A fork. Forky end first.”
4. A dildo shaped like a human arm with the hand in a fist.
“A dildo shaped like a human arm with the hand in a fist.”
5. A whole claw hammer.
“Not too long ago we had a case where we had to extract a fucking claw hammer. Not just the handle. The whole fucking claw hammer. How the hell do you even work that in?”
6. A light bulb.
“Nurse here—in my time working in emergency I have seen a guy come in with a light bulb up there. He was lucky it didn’t break or would have caused sever internal bleeding. You could say it wasn’t his brightest idea….”
7. A shattered champagne flute.
“A shattered champagne flute…a rosary….Also a Galaxy cellphone battery.”
8. A dildo followed by a full bottle of lube, cap unopened.
“Had a guy misplace his dildo up his rectum (life pro tip kids: always use one with a flange if you’re into butt stuff).
No biggie, see it all the time. However, he followed it up with a full bottle of lube, cap unopened, to try and coax it out. Unbelievable.
Of course he had just slipped in the shower on these items accidentally. ‘Million to one shot doc, million to one!’”
9. He stuck a cut PVC pipe up his anus and used hooks to fasten it there.
“Not a medical professional but in the industry, one old guy in my country, had constipation problems so he DIY the solution.
He stuck a cut PVC pipe up his anus and used hooks to fasten it there.
The result was not too good, doctors who did a case on it wrote a journal on it and displayed their findings in the local urological event.”
10. Three pens and two butter knives.
“Had a guy come in through the ER complaining of abdominal pain and rectal bleeding. Originally thinking it was diverticulitis or some kind of GI ulcer bleed he was admitted and underwent imagining. Ended up being that he shoved three pens and two butter knives up there. When confronted about this he claimed he had no idea those were up there and he must have ‘slipt and fell onto them while getting out of the shower.’”
11. A Ziploc plastic bag containing an aluminum water bottle and a baseball.
“A Ziploc plastic bag containing an aluminum water bottle and a baseball.”
12. A beer stein.
“I’m a L&D Rn and we got a call from the operating room looking for a vacuum extractor. This piece of equipment is cautiously and sparingly used to assist in a vaginal delivery. Now, naturally all the nursing staff and Ob’s on were like ‘WTF, why would you need that in the main OR?’ We had a chuckle and went about our days. Three hours later one of the younger funnier anesthesiologists comes bombing onto the unit with a shit eating grin on his face and says ‘you wanna see something fucked up?’ They were trying to vacuum extract a beer stein from some dude’s rectum. He has the X-ray and was pretty much providing an interpretation of the surgeon trying to finagle a way to get it out of his ass. I never did find out if it worked or not…
The anesthesiologist who came up told us that the patient said he ‘did it on a dare.’ As if that makes it somehow less screwed up.”
13. Big old flashlight.
“Big old flashlight, we had to take the guy to the OR to try and pull it out under anesthesia. The surgeon managed to get part of it out, the top part where the lightbulb is (the handle went in first).
We thought we were going to have to end up opening the guy’s abdomen up to remove it, but the attending surgeon made one last try at pulling it out. So he had his whole forearm up there with a tenaculum (sharp-ended clamp used by gynecologists to clamp onto and pull down the cervix) on the flashlight while someone else pushed as hard as possible on the guy’s abdomen.
Finally, we all saw something give. The surgeon said:
‘Can I just ask you guys one thing?’
All of us: ‘Sure yeah.’
Him: ‘ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED??!’ (as he pulled the flashlight out of the patient’s ass and held it in the air triumphantly).”
14. A pocket pussy. Inserted handle first.
“A pocket pussy. Inserted handle first. Well women can use fake dicks strapped to their waist. Why can’t men have fake vaginas?”
15. A ping-pong ball.
“Guy had a ping-pong ball in his rectum. It was surprisingly tough to remove because they couldn’t get a grip on it and any pressure on it pushed it further in. I was in the OR next door with an orthopedic surgeon, and they called over and asked to borrow one of the ortho drills to put a hole on the ball so they could grab it. The surgeon didn’t feel comfortable lending a pneumatic drill for them to stick in someone’s butt, so the next idea was to use the electrocautery to burn a whole in the ball. ‘But what if it explodes?’ someone asked. That prompted extensive Googling regarding what type of air ping-pong balls are filled with, but to no avail so that idea was scrapped as well. Finally they were able to slip a Foley catheter past it, inflate it and pull it out. They didn’t manage to catch it, so the ping-pong ball ended up ping-ponging across the floor, prompting may a chuckle.”
16. A ping-pong ball followed by cement.
“Once took a large carrot out of a man’s butt with a corkscrew under anesthetic after he had been ‘cleaning the house in the nude and fell on the veg rack.’
Also took a candle of Santa Claus out of a priest’s butt on Christmas Eve. He went home the same day and did mass the next day. He said he stuck it up there ‘to have some fun.’
The best, though, was the guy who came in with cement up his butt. He had actually stood on his head against a wall whilst his boyfriend had poured liquid cement in through a funnel. He was in a very bad way when he arrived in ER (cement is very toxic stuff) but we X-rayed hi before surgery and saw a small round void in the middle of the cement. He went to the OR, had his rectum and anus removed (they were completely trashed) and a perfect cement cast of his rectum. We sent it to medical engineering to cut it open because of the void and there was a table tennis ball inside. Apparently they put the table tennis ball in first and when that didn’t have the desired effect they moved to cement. That escalated really quickly!”
17. A mason jar.
“Another X-ray tech here. A mason jar, a MagLite and the hose thing that comes out of some faucet sinks so you can spray stuff down with. That last one took the fire department to cut him free from.”
18. Twelve plastic horses.
“Twelve plastic horses. Fortunately his condition was stable.”
19. A guy with an object that went from his anus to his tonsils.
“I just have to say that after working as a an emergency room medic for a long while, your interpretation of crazy and things in the ass changes over time. Dildos getting stuck or some other sex act gone wrong…not really crazy anymore, just incidents. Beer bottle…not really crazy just ambitious I suppose. Crazy is the dude that is your frequent flyer with increasing levels of insane nonsense he’s shoving up his ass. Or the guy with the object that goes from anus to his tonsils that makes you spend more time thinking about how the fuck and not why the fuck.”
20. A car gear stick.
“I used to work with an ex-A&E nurse. The many stories she came out with were amazing. Two stick out and related to this thread…this one is my favorite.
A chap decided to pleasure himself by lowering himself onto the gear stick of his car whilst in the work car park. Apparently he had a rectal spasm and his arsehole snapped shut, leaving him clamped to his car. Obviously unable to extricate himself he had to call for help, which meant the fire brigade were called out.
In the days before jaws of life cutters it meant the firemen had to use an oxy-acetylene torch to cut the gear stick off. Severe anal burns resulted. He was face down arse up in recovery.
In a small town EVERYONE got to hear about it.”
21. Two Chapsticks, followed by a fat highlighter pen.
“A friend of mine is a nurse. He said a guy came into the ER saying he got something stuck in his butt. My friend got in there and saw it was one of those fat highlighters, caught at the neck. The guys said he could pull the cap off and off, but couldn’t get the highlighter out because his muscles have clamped down and he can’t get a good grip.
After a steroid (I think?) injection to relax the muscles my friend pulled the highlighter out with medical tongs/pliers.
My friend said the guy looked around sheepishly and asked, ‘Could you.. just wait here while I try to use the bathroom?’
Long story short, the guy also had two ChapSticks behind the highlighter. The guy could get them down to the butthole, but not past the sphincter (which was inflamed/sore/weak). So my friend pulled those two out as well.
My friend (being a gay man and quite experienced in butt stuff) then explained the different toys this guy could buy that are built for the butt, and will not cause damage/get stuck. The guy was grateful for the removal and the recommendations.”
22. A rotting cucumber.
“My wife works in a hospital. She told me a story about a patient that presented with constipation (three days worth) and rectal pain. An examination found he had a rotting cucumber up his ass, which he claimed no knowledge of. Turns out he was not lying.
He had recently returned from an extended trip away from home during which he had contracted a venereal disease, which he had passed along to his wife following his return. Rather than confront him with his misdeeds, his wife decided to go straight to retribution. So she drugged his dinner one night, then administered the coup de concombre, so to speak.
Of all the possible visuals that come to mind when I think of this story, the one that I enjoy most is the wife, at the store, picking out the cucumber. ‘Yeah, this is the one…’
Disclaimer: By posting this I am not condoning rape as a way to deal with your spouse’s unfaithfulness. I don’t know what happened to the woman, but I hope she was prosecuted for the crime she committed.”
23. A Costco-sized shampoo bottle.
“I once pulled out a Costco-sized shampoo bottle ( one of the ones that lasts a year or two).”
24. A mortar shell casing and an 8-ball from a billiard table.
“A mortar shell casing and an 8-ball from a billiard table (the 8 was clearly visible on the film.”
25. Mrs. Butterworth’s bottle.
“The Mrs. Butterworth’s bottle wins, with the Brut bottle coming in a close second.”
26. Plastic bowling pin.
“Plastic bowling pin.”
27. A plastic Coke bottle with the five bumps on the bottom in first.
“X-ray tech…had one guy with a Coke bottle in his butt (the plastic kind with the 5 bumps on the bottom in first), but the best was the old guy with a pipe cleaner up his urethra. Had a fun time debating whether he was trying to add some home-made rigidity or had an itch in there he was trying to scratch.”