Golf Jokes

75+ Hilarious Golf Jokes For Everyone

Golf courses are a fun place to bond with your family and friends. Of course, golfing can be frustrating when you can’t hit the ball right. But the best thing to do when you’re frustrated is joke about it. Here are some hilarious golf jokes to share with everyone on the golf course tomorrow: 

Short Golf Jokes To Tell On The Golf Course 

If you’re a golfer, you’ll want to share these jokes with your golfing buddies on social media:

  1. Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy some more.
  2. What is a golfer’s favorite bird? Any birdie will do.
  3. What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm? Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even Mother Nature can’t hit a 1-iron.
  4. Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day? A golf course!
  5. What does a golfer like to hear from his wife? “Talk birdie to me.”
  6. Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done? He was puttering around.
  7. Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night? Clubbing.
  8. How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb? Fore.
  9. One day a player asked his coach: “What is going wrong with my game?” “You’re standing too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.”
  10. What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman? When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.
  11. Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of trousers with them? In case they get a hole in one. 
  12. Have you ever wondered how the moon got craters? Three words: Chuck Norris golfing.
  13. Did you hear about the two guys that met on the golf course? It was the beginning of a beautiful friend-chip.
  14. Where do ghouls and ghosts play their golf? On a golf corpse.
  15. What is a golfer’s favorite dance move? The Bogey.
  16. Why do golfers hate cake? Because they might get a slice.
  17. What’s the easiest shot in golf? Your fourth putt.
  18. Why did Tarzan spend so much time at the golf course? He was perfecting his swing.
  19. What do you call a wizard that can turn himself into a golf club? Harry Putter.
  20. Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course? Because that’s how long it took the Scotts who invented the game to finish their bottle of whiskey!

More Short Golf Jokes

Here are some more great golf jokes anyone will enjoy:

  1. You spend too much time thinking about golf! Do you even remember the day we got married? Of course I do! It was the same day I sank that 45-foot putt.
  2. What is a golfer’s worst nightmare? The Bogeyman.
  3. When is it too wet to play golf? When your golf cart capsizes.
  4. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly… or start cheating.
  5.  A golfer is standing at a tee overlooking a river. He sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, “Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain.”
  6. Why does the golf pro tell you to keep your head down during lessons? So you can’t see them laughing.
  7. What are the primary components of a golfer’s diet? A lot of greens and water.
  8. Why was Cinderella such a terrible golfer? Her coach was a pumpkin.
  9. What do you call a monkey who wins the Masters? The chimpion!
  10. How do you like my game? Oh, it’s a great game, but personally, I prefer golf.

Golf Jokes For Kids And Adults

six golf balls near hole and one golf club
Unsplash / tsg pixels

Here are some more amazing golf jokes for the whole family:

  1. What should NASA do if it wants to explore water on Mars? Send a golfer there to hit a golf ball.
  2. What did the driver yell at the golf cart that cut him off? Kiss my putt.
  3.  Why do golf announcers whisper? Because they don’t want to wake up the people watching.
  4. If you golf on election day, make sure to cast an absent-tee-ballot.
  5. Golfer to caddie: “Why do you keep looking at your watch? I find it very distracting.”
    Caddie: “It’s not a watch, sir – it’s a compass.”
  6. What are a golfer’s favorite flowers? Fore-get Me Nots.
  7. What did the sign above the golf club bar say? “Don’t drink and drive. Don’t even putt.”
  8. “Do you play off scratch?” said one player.
    The other replied: “I sure am. Every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went.”
  9.  It’s not your fault you missed that shot. It must have been the crap attached to the end of your club.
  10. What did Nat King Cole sing after he won a round of golf? Un-fore-gettable, in every way.
  11. Which actress is incredible at golf? Minnie Driver.

Golf Puns And One-Liners

Here are some funny golf jokes to tell the next time you’re on the golf course:

  1. The problem with slow groups is that they are always in front of you, and the fast groups are always behind you.
  2. There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
  3.  Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken.
  4.  Golf is a lot like taxes… you go for the green and come out in the hole.
  5.  The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
  6. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
  7. Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments.
  8. An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice… once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
  9. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
  10.  Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize, or laugh.
  11. The best wood in most golfer’s bags is the pencil.
  12. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
  13. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers… they shoot a “six”, yell “fore” and write “five”.
  14. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work… and both are expensive.
  15. The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul-it-again.”
  16. Golf is harder than baseball, in golf you have to play your foul balls.
  17. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often.
  18.  Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Long Golf Jokes To Tell During A Round Of Golf

Here are some hilarious golf jokes about how hard it is to do well when you’re playing golf:

  1. After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th. He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.” The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”
  2. “You’re late on the tee, John.”
    “Yes, well being a Sunday, I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or go and play golf.”
    “Okay, but why are you so late?”
    “I had to toss it 15 times!”
  3. A golfer went to a pro and said: “I’ve been playing golf for a long time. I thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider? The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”
  4. Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.
    “That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”
    “Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”
  5. A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.
    When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. “Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
  6. A hacker was playing so badly that his caddie was getting increasingly exasperated. On the 11th, his ball lay about 160 yards from the green and as he eyed up the shot, he asked his caddie, “Do you think I can get there with a 4-iron?”
    “Eventually,” replied the caddie, wearily.
  7. A golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset and sought out the farmer. “I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?” “I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”
  8. Husband and wife were playing in the club’s mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle – she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot, which went onto the green a foot from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it ten feet beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife, he said, “We’ll have to do better. That was a bogey five.”
    “Don’t blame me,” she snapped, “I only took two of them.”
  9. A golfer was having a terrible round — 20-over par for the front nine with scores of balls lost in water or rough. When his caddie then coughed as he steadied himself over a 12-inch putt on the 10th, he lost it. “You’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world!” he yelled.
    “I doubt it,” replied the caddie, dead-pan. “That would be too much of a coincidence.”

More Long Golf Jokes

Here are some more hilarious golf jokes that will make you laugh out loud:

  1. A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, “Did you have a good time out there?” The man replied, “Fabulous, thank you.”
    “You’re welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?”
    Said the man: “Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!”
  2. Noting that her husband looked more haggard and disgruntled than usual after his weekly golf game, his wife asked what was wrong. He answered, “Well, on the 4th hole, Harry had a heart attack and died. It was terrible! The entire rest of the day, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry!”
  3. After slicing his tee shot into the woods, a golfer heads off in search of his ball, which he finds behind a large tree. After considering his position — and not wanting to take a drop and lose a stroke — he decides to hook the ball around the tree. He swings, the ball hits the tree, ricochets back at him, and instantly kills him. When he opens his eyes, he sees the Pearly Gates and St. Peter standing before him.
    “Am I dead?” he asks.
    “Yes, my son,” replies St. Peter, who looks the man over and notices his clubs. “I see you’re a golfer,” St. Peter says. “Are you any good?”
    “Hey, I got here in two, didn’t I?”
  4. Hear the one about the bad-tempered golfer who bought a new set of TaylorMade R7 clubs? After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro, “These were the best clubs I have ever played with. In fact, I can throw these clubs 40-yards further than my old ones!”
  5. Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Nick says to Lou, “Let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.” Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by one stroke but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball; you look over there,” he says to Nick. After five minutes, neither has had any luck. Since a lost ball carries a two-stroke penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly. Nick looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?” “What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!” “And a liar, too!” Nick says with amazement. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”
  6. An ardent golfer dies and finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the man he has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in. The man asks, “St. Peter, where is the golf course?” “I’m terribly sorry,” replies St. Peter, “but that’s one thing we don’t have here.” The man turns and decides that he will see if the situation is any better in hell. On the road to hell, he is greeted by the devil who has already heard of the golfer’s rejection of heaven. “This way, sir,” says the devil, “the finest tournament-quality 18 holes you are likely to find this side of Augusta, Georgia.” The golfer looks around and agrees that it is the finest course he has ever seen and decides he’d rather spend eternity there than in heaven, so he signs up for the full package. “So,” he says to the devil, “why don’t you go get me some clubs and balls and I’ll have the game of my after-life.” “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t have any.” “What?” says the man. “No balls or clubs for a fine course like this?” “No, sir,” says the devil fiendishly, “that’s the hell of it.”
  7. I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up, and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. “Why don’t you hit an old ball?” I asked. He responded, “I’ve never had an old ball.”
  8.  A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. “There,” he said to the husband, “That’s what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday.” “Well,” replied the husband, “I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days.”
  9. A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question… “Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” She asked her instructor. “P-U-T-T is correct,” the instructor replied. “P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. “P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.”
  10. One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but he searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron. It’s in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. John excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Don, come here. I’ve got some real trouble down here.” Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter, John? Is everything okay?” John shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can’t get out of here with a seven.
About the author
January Nelson is a writer, editor, and dreamer. She writes about astrology, games, love, relationships, and entertainment. January graduated with an English and Literature degree from Columbia University. Read more articles from January on Thought Catalog.

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