1. A WHOLE BARBIE DOLL
“When I was first interning at a trauma center, a dude said he went to his daughter’s bathroom since his wife was taking a while in the shower, says he slipped and up goes his daughter’s whole Barbie doll up his ass.
When we did the X-ray, we saw Barbie. Not only was she way up in there, but her arms were straight up and hair was everywhere, it really looked like she was having a grand time!”
2. A FROZEN FISH
“NOT A DOCTOR BUT WORKED FOR AN AMBULANCE COMPANY.
Dude was found lying face down on his couch, completely naked, with a fish tail sticking out from between his cheeks. Firefighters and Paramedics were trying their best to not laugh. He never gave an excuse. All he said was… ‘it was frozen when it went in.’ LOL the fish thawed up his ass and the scales made it so he couldn’t pull it back out.
He ended up needing ass surgery to remove the fish.
Also to top it off like I said everyone was trying to be professional, but just before the ambulance doors closed to take him to the hospital one of the firefighters pokes his head in and said ‘next time don’t play with your food buddy.’ At this point no one can keep from laughing and everyone except the patient loses their composure. The patient tried to sue the ambulance company for not being professional but soon realized it would mean this entire incident would go public and changed his mind.”
3. A SHAVING CREAM CAN
“Shaving cream can. Not a small one. He didn’t have an excuse… And he was rather proud of himself. He asked for a copy of the X-ray. Flared ends, people. Flared ends.”
4. A GOLF BALL (HIDING A CUE BALL)
“My personal favorite was a dude who clearly had a golf ball up there after I checked on PR exam (yes my finger was up his butt).
Me: so you’ve got a golf ball up there?
Him: yeah but that’ll come out easy. It’s the cue ball in there that I need you to get out for me.”
5. A MANGO
“He said that he’d heard that mangos are good for hemorrhoids.
He did the only logical thing when armed with this information—mango up the butt.
It required Wrigley forceps to get it out. Good times.”
6. ANOTHER MANGO
“It’s always ‘I’ve never done anything like this before’ or ‘I met a girl last night who talked me into it.’ Like NO DUDE! You don’t just go from never doing it before straight into peeled mango followed by a 12 in rubber dong folded in half. You just don’t go from 0 to mango.”
7. A RUBBER SNAKE
“My ex-girlfriend is a nurse in A+E (the British version of the ER) and she came home with all sorts of weird and wonderful stories. One that stands out is of a guy that came in with a rubber snake firmly lodged in his beige daisy. Like whole way up there, nothing dangling.
He apparently had some pretty weird friends who made him shove it up there as a forfeit during a drinking game. Okay, alcohol makes you do some weird shit…but this guy (and his brother’s rubber snake) survived the incident. Another nurse eventually got it out of him that he had tried again at a later date (I guess it awakened something in him) and liked the feeling, so kept slithering it up there with the intention to pull it out (I guess like some anal bead type thing) but he got it almost the whole way, and his arse did that weird winking thing, and it all went inside, almost never to return.
This all happened in Scotland – strange people, and I guess very open to sharing. That’s not the weirdest one though – she told me a story about some guy with a necrotic penis that had to be removed. More info on that if you fancy?
Tl:dr – don’t drink with Scots, and careful of that weird butthole wink.”
8. A STACK OF LEGOS
“Not me, but my friend told me this story.
When she was a med student, working in the hospital a male patient came in complaining of stomach pains. Apparently, he was moving very carefully, because she determined that he likely had something in his ass. When they did an X-ray, they saw a stack of Legos in this man’s colon. Complete with a little Lego person at the top, with his little Lego arm sticking up.
She called me on her break to tell me about this, and about how she could never look at Legos the same way. I got her son some Megablox for his birthday shortly after this.”
9. A LIGHTBULB
“So my mother is a radiographer. She once X-rayed a guy who had an entire, unbroken lightbulb up his ass.
His excuse was that he was putting cream on his hemorrhoids when his dog ran in to his legs and he fell backwards on to a lamp.
It was taped to a stick, and when they removed it, it had a condom over it.”
10. A CUCUMBER
“Not my patient but, one of my colleagues told me a story about a guy who came to the ER with a cucumber lodged in his ass. He told them he was gardening and fell down onto a cucumber. He was also insisted that the staff not tell his wife about his hospital visit.”
11. A SUMMER SAUSAGE
“Father is a surgeon…guy came in with a whole wrapped Pepperidge Farms summer sausage stuck inside. Dad said basically they just needed to attach a clamp to the knot on one end and slowly pull until it eventually came out. Turns out this happened the night of the hospital Christmas party. So before the party, Dad runs to the Pepperidge Farm booth at the mall and buys another sausage. Upon arriving at the party, he found the doctor who attended the procedure and proceeded to rant about people wasting such a great product and started slicing off pieces of sausage and eating it.
Finally, the story of the guy with an entire set of billiard balls up his ass. They came out in numerical order, so the guy obviously took his time and didn’t ignore the small details.
People are weird (:”
12. a large tree branch
“Friend of a friend is an EMT. Last year he responded to a call for a young teenage boy with rectal bleeding and a ‘colorectal foreign body” – which is fancy-pants medical speak for ‘something lodged in butthole.’
Turned out to be a fifteen-year-old boy with a large tree branch stuck in his butt. He had been experimenting, he made a terrible judgment call, and then he had to call 911. He didn’t even bring the branch inside, just did it in the yard. Which is where they found him, naked from the waist down.
He told them he’d been trying to get an all-over tan and the tree fell on him.
The EMTs politely pretended that this wasn’t the dumbest excuse they’d heard all year.
The kid was fine.
EDIT FOR THOSE ASKING IF THE KID WAS ATTACKED OR RAPED: probably not. They called child services for this very reason and, not wanting his parents to be in trouble, he admitted what he was doing. His mom said he had been experimenting with butt stuff over the past several months, and the doctor suggested perhaps allowing the boy to purchase a sex toy and lube so he could have something safe to stick in his ass. Which is the first time I’ve ever heard doctor’s orders as, ‘Please buy your child a dildo.'”
13. A TOOTHBRUSH
“Not a doc but I’ve had a patient who tried to dislodge their constipation matter by shoving a toothbrush up their rear and it got stuck very far up there…possibly the worst stench ever when he had to have a colonoscopy.
Bro had a guy with 2 baseballs stuck. One was able to come out but the other they had to take to the OR. Once they realized they couldn’t take it out with force had to surgically open the guy. Patient almost ended up with a colostomy due to the damage he caused. That X-ray was interesting.”
14. TWO WEDDING RINGS
“I have a friend who works in A&E (what we call the ER here in the UK) and he had a guy and a girl come in both with each other’s wedding rings up their buttholes….Kinda romantic in a weird way…”
15. A CHORIZO SAUSAGE
“Once upon a time I was a lab assistant in a hospital. One of responsibilities was to take all sorts of things from surgery to pathology. These things ranged from limbs, to placenta, as well as items removed from the body and they came down on a dumbwaiter that alerted us with a siren and flashing lights so it was a big ordeal. We got all sorts of interesting things, like one time I had to bring a full leg to pathology which was a lot heavier than one might assume.
Anyway, we had a new hire who was super stoked to receive his first item from surgery. So the alarms go off one day and he jumps up ‘I GOT IT!’ and the excitement on his face was palpable. He rushes over to the dumbwaiter and in one hand picks up the paper work and the other, a giant tube of chorizo sausage. We all knew instantly what it was, but being a naive new hire he had a look of puzzlement as his eyes wandered from the tube of chorizo to the paperwork where he read out loud ‘Removed from anal cavity…OMG EW!’ and drops the meat tube on the ground. I can’t remember how long we all laughed for, but for every holiday since he always received a tube of chorizo sausage no matter who was his secret Santa.”
16. A SHAMPOO BOTTLE
“Not an ER doctor, but a paramedic, our guy had an unlucky slip and fall onto a roll-on deodorant getting out of the shower. Poor bugger, what are the chances.
I have also had a guy that was a hospital to hospital transport who pushed a tall narrow glass jar up his arse without the lid on it, the jar created a bit of a vacuum which sucked part of his bowel down into the jar. Most impressive bit was he walked to the ambulance. He walked like a bow-legged cowboy….
I forgot about another guy that one of our crews went to, he had walked home with the shopping, realized he locked himself out of the house so had to break in. Anyway, he told the Ambos that he was climbing in the window and slipped, fell backwards onto the shopping bag and a shampoo bottle went right up the leg of his shorts into his arse.
It is always a little funny when you see a patient being wheeled into the triage area lying on their stomach.
OK one more. We took a guy to hospital because he has six small plastic model horses stuck up his butt. The ER doctors described his condition as stable.”
17. A JASON VOORHEES MASK
“A friend of mine works in the ER.
Whenever somebody comes in with something up their butt, and they start making excuses, they get made fun of (not to their face, obviously). And they will see people stealing a glance and some smiles, and it will make the whole ordeal that much more embarrassing.
However, he says that the few times somebody has come up and been straight to the point like ‘Yo, I like doing kinky stuff with my butt and now I have a Jason Voorhees mask stuck on my prostate,’ things went swiftly and with no embarrassment whatsoever, or more importantly mirth from the staff.
TL;DR : Stop making excuses, everybody knows you didn’t fall on it, you’re just embarrassing yourself further.”
18. A FIRECRACKER
“Not a doctor, but a friend of mine recently had a stick break off in his ass. He wanted to imitate something off of jackass so he shoved the stick end of a fire cracker up his butt. We lit it and the force propelled him into an awkward stumble. As he fell backwards on his ass the fire cracker broke and the stick end became lodged up his ass.
They were able to pull it out thankfully.”
19. A MEDIUM-SIZED YANKEE CANDLE
“My fiancée’s dad is a gastroenterologist. He’s told a ton of these stories, but my all-time-favorite is the guy who was ‘lathering’ an absolute ton in the shower until the phone rang. He jumped out and slipped, falling onto a medium-sized Yankee candle. Had to go under to get this thing out.”
20. A VIRGIN MARY FIGURINE
“An old friend of mine back in nursing school said a patient had come in because he had inserted a Mary, mother of Jesus, up his ass. He said he fell over it and was super embarrassed. Everyone was shocked not by him inserting something in, that happens all the time, but because it was Mary! Surely he could’ve done with a vegetable or anything else but no! He went straight for the mother of Jesus!”
21. A BILLIARD BALL
“We were exchanging stories the other night at work (OB Nurses). And one of my colleagues was an ER nurse before moving to OB. Her favorite was a guy that came in with a billiard ball up his butt. He said he was changing a tire on the side of the road, someone drove by and shoved it up there while he was bent over. She said ‘your pants were down while changing the tire? Hmm. He was adamant that’s what happened.”
22. AN EASTER EGG COVERED IN BAGS AND TAPE
“Saw this one in surgery. Patient presented with a huge mass of plastic in their butt, about 5 inches across. It took myself and another scrub tech with four pairs of these to drag it out. We had them in the OR in case removing it perforated the rectum.
We carefully dissected it because this thing looked super sketchy. It was a youth football-shaped and -sized mass of electrical tape, which was wrapped around a wad of plastic grocery bags, which was wrapped around a mass of duct tape (covered in fecal material), which was wrapped around another mass of plastic bags, which were wrapped around a little plastic Easter egg (covered in fecal material), which was empty.
This fucker shoved an Easter egg up his butt, thought ‘too small,’ bulked it up with bags and tape, again though ‘too small,’ bulked it up AGAIN, and then it got stuck. Explanation: ‘I fell on it.’
Drugs were involved.
I can’t even.”
23. a 24-inch, double-ended ribbed black dildo
“This my favorite story to tell in public. First, this happened when I was working in the OR a few years back. I also want to say that I know it sounds unbelievable, but I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
I worked at a fairly large American Military hospital. We had this Air Force guy come into our ER late in the evening. When he was asked to fill out a form that would state where is pain was he refused and calmly stated he needed to see a doctor ASAP. A little time goes past and our head nurse down in the ER goes and talks to him, where he politely refuses to explain what the issue is, only that he needed to see a doctor. This went on for a little while and eventually we got out of him that he was having some stomach pain. So they sent him to radiology for an X-ray to see if there was anything there…
The X-ray tech, a shy timid 18-year-old girl who had been there for only a few weeks, brings to our doc a folder with the images. This Airmen had a 24-inch, double-ended ribbed black dildo stuck in his ass. It was all coiled up like a fucking snake.
We get this guy into our OR, give him some mild anesthesia to get him to relax and there has to be at last 15 people in this room watching. We’re massaging on this guy’s stomach, trying to edge the dildo back toward his asshole. And one of our nurses says fuck it. Shoulder length glove, lots of lube and she starts fisting this guy on the table. She’s probably elbow deep in this guy’s ass when she said she got it and pulls it out.
Me being me, I had to know what happened. So I go in and ask the guy what the events leading up to the incident were. The guy looked me dead in the eye, calmly said ‘I was fucking myself in the ass with the dildo while in the shower, I stepped up to get a better angle, and sneezed. It just got sucked up in.’
Tl:Dr I ain’t even know how to explain this.”
24. an entire apple
“We’ve had a guy with an entire apple lodged in his rectum. In case you were wondering, the X-ray shows the seeds, it looks like a core.
Anyway, his story was that his female roommate had inserted the apple into his rectum while he was sleeping, without waking him up. Apparently, she has done this before as a prank, but it had not gotten stuck before. His wife was at his bedside to corroborate the story.”
25. A REMOTE CONTROL
“I once had a guy tell me he ‘slipped and fell in the shower’ as his reason for having a Sky remote control lodged in his large intestine.”
26. FOUR TENNIS BALLS
“Not me, but cousin is an ER nurse. A guy came in with 4 tennis balls up his ass. Said it was an accident, he just fell and they went in.
Motherfucker, there are 3 tennis balls in a container, not only did you fall and the container conveniently didn’t go in, but a 4th one, that totally wasn’t in another pack, also made its way up.
Another one was a woman who loved ‘large’ objects, she had a car shock way, way up there.
Guy with the screwdriver, ‘slipped’ on it, and when he tried to push it out, perforated his colon and he had a second asshole in his taint.
One guy admitted to it, he was putting a 1l mason jar up his ass, it cracked in half, the bottom part came out, the top part, sharp glass, was still up there, intact.
All of these people required surgery.”
27. A GIANT ROCK
“So, I am an EM doc. Had a guy come in when I was an intern who put a giant rock (10cm x 6cm) up his rectum. When I was questioning him, I asked him why he did it. He said, ‘I was feeling lonely’…and I just moved on because I didn’t want to delve in it further. Unfortunate part is that I couldn’t get it out, so colorectal surgery took him to the OR. They couldn’t get it out too, so they had to open him up to get it out. I hope he learned his lesson and found a better way to come to terms with his loneliness.
Another colleague working in the Ped’s ED had a teenager who put his mom’s dolphin shaped vibrator up there. After taking it out, he had to ask the patient’s mom if all the parts were there…to which she said yes.”
28. A STEMLESS WINE GLASS
“My friend is a trauma surgeon (ER surgery) and he had a patient who had a stemless wine glass in his rectum. The guy was pretty straight forward and admitted his wife out it there. The problem was getting it out without it shattering. Ideally you don’t want to open up someone’s abdomen for something in the rectum. But trying to get it out of the anus might shatter it. My friend was able to get it out non-invasively and was the most popular surgeon in the hospital for like two weeks.”
29. A PVC PIPE
“My friend’s mother was an ER nurse. The story about shopping and climbing in a window to get inside then falling backwards on a shampoo bottle, cucumber, squash, eggplant were all too common. One disturbing one was when her mom had to talk to the ASPCA about a guy’s dog biting off his balls. The guy was rushed to the hospital because his balls were bitten off and my friend’s mom reported that dog food, peanut butter were smudged in the guy’s anus and all over his southern region. Her mom reported that it didn’t surprise her the dog bit his balls off.
Other stories she told me was the time this guy had PVC pipe shoved up his ass because he wanted to lure his hamsters up there.
This girl shoved a small road cone up her minge. It got stuck and she damaged her cervix.
One lady, about 40 liked shoving chopsticks up herself to ‘stab’ her cervix because she liked bleeding.
Wtf is wrong with people??”
30. A SOY SAUCE BOTTLE
“A doctor friend of mine had to operate on a chap who got a soy sauce bottle stuck up the tradesman’s entrance. The complicating factor was not so much the bottle, it was his attempt to remove the bottle himself using a coat hanger, which had caused a perforation and huge blood loss. He was very lucky to survive apparently but on speaking to him after the op he said he was just trying to spice up his sex life!”
31. A CARROT
“Had a 65-year-old fella come in one night complaining of rectal pain. Constipation or thrombosed hemorrhoid, right? On rectal exam, we found the tip of a carrot. Yes, the skinny end of those 8-inch-long cartoon carrots with the leaf on top and everything. He’d lodged that sucker up there thick end first, and as a result couldn’t get a good grasp on it to pull it out. When asked how this happened, he told us he was doing some gardening when he fell and the carrot shot up his butt. Poor feller.”
32. A HAIRBRUSH HANDLE
“I once took my good friend to the doctor because he’d broken his hairbrush and the handle was left in his ass. He’s a good guy, he knows that I know, so there’s a little bit of banter in the car on the way in.
He tells me he wants me to be there while the doctor interviews him for moral support. The doctor asks him very politely ‘How did this object get there?’
Without missing a beat: ‘Well, I fell on it, but I missed, so then I shoved it up my ass, doc.’
Cue me bursting out laughing while the doctor tries to hold it together.”
33. AN ENTIRE LEGO SET
“Doctor here, the craziest one so far was an entire Lego set, here’s how it came to be:
9 pm everything was going quiet then this couple came and the girl was literally full bent unable to move at all, so we had a great deal of trouble trying to put her into a stretcher and a bed, once we managed it, the boyfriend didn’t want to tell us anything at all about causes and ended most sentences with ‘it’s her butt.’
So, I decide to do visual inspection with a nurse at my side and I find a square Lego brick incrusted in her rear so I quickly and carefully remove the piece and all hell came loose:
Piece after piece she begins to push out every of these bricks, I ask her to stop and tell her to resort to laxatives along an enema (safest thing to do), but she just kept going saying the pain was too great to hold it in.
in amazement and horror, I watch about 200 pieces of the Lego set of Pirates of the Caribbean go out from there, even a dangerous looking mast pieces came out rather smoothly I’d say, but I’ll never forget the last piece: it was a jack sparrow figurine, with hat, gun and all, and certainly not in a clean state, you could see it in that figurine’s eyes that it had seen some ‘serious shit.’
Of course, the couple could not really explain what had happened, but at this point, it wasn’t necessary at all
I could recognize the set because my daughter has one, I’ll never look at Legos the same way again :(”
34. A GLASS JAR OF COFFEE PLUS A SCREWDRIVER
“Am a doctor, but not that sort of doctor. Anyway, many years ago, during my high school graduation, the school got one of its former students to give speeches during our ceremony; that guy happened to be an ED doctor, and told us (and all our parents and teachers) two fantastic stories;
The first was about a guy in the ED with severe rectal bleeding. The story was something like; he had been out shopping and just got home, when he noticed that he had a lot of dirty dishes.
So he did the sensible thing, and put his bags of shopping down on the kitchen floor, and started running the water.
Now, since he was wearing his nice clothes, and didn’t want to ruin them, he decided to strip naked.
So, naked, he sets about washing the dishes. Turns out some of them were really dirty though, so he had to scrub pretty vigorously. This of course leads to him splashing soapy water all over himself, the floor, and his shopping.
As a result, he of course lost his balance, and fell arse first onto his shopping… specifically, right onto an upturned glass jar of Nescafe’s finest instant coffee.
Gravity and momentum being what it is, the jar obviously went up his derrière. So he had to get it out. Which he attempted by unscrewing it and sticking a screwdriver up there.
Fast-forward 30 mins, and he’s in the hospital.
Other story was much more tame; a guy just inserted a toothbrush up his urethra and couldn’t get it out. Guess that’s what happens when you go bristles first.”
35. A BOTTLE OF HYDROGEN PEROXIDE
“Not a physician but I have been a medic for 8 years in a couple of large metropolitan cities. Worked in an ER for 5.
The most impressive one I ever saw was a whole, intact, bottle of hydrogen peroxide. The kind you pick up from big box stores. He told us he was on ecstasy and it ‘felt so good on drugs.’ He put some thought into getting it out by tying a string around the neck of the bottle. What he did not think about was the vacuum it would create and no amount of pulling was going to get it out. So while this guy is writhing in misery, on his side to alleviate some pressure, you just saw this string hanging out of his gown. It was both hilarious and sad. But I felt worse for the ER resident that had to put him in stirrups to manually retrieve it.”
36. A FLASHLIGHT
“Anesthesiologist checking in.
I was on call one night, and had to take a guy to the OR for general anesthesia around midnight so that we could relax his muscles enough for the trauma surgeons to attempt to get the flashlight out of his rectum. He had put it up there for kicks (obviously), which he eventually admitted. It created a suction/air lock once inside, and it wasn’t coming out, so off to the OR we went.
Once the patient was anesthetized, the surgeons went to work. Despite one person pushing on his belly and another person elbow-deep into the guy’s ass, that flashlight would not budge. They tried using all kinds of instruments, but nothing would work. At one point, we thought we had it, but it was just the screw-on light portion of the flashlight coming undone from the shaft.
So after we had been in there for about an hour with basically no progress, the surgeons were realizing the only way to get it out was to do a laparotomy, open the bowels, and remove it from above. The attending surgeon decided to try one more time, with another staff member pushing as hard as they could on the guy’s belly to try and push the flashlight down from above. At this point, we were all tired and a little goofy, certainly in part due to the absurdity of the situation.
The surgeon reached in, I think using a gynecological tenaculum (a really intense instrument that the gyns use to pull down on the cervix). Suddenly, his face changed and you could see something ‘give’ a little. He said, ‘Guys, can I just ask you all one question?’
As he pulled out the damn flashlight, he held it up in the air and yelled, ‘ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?’
One of my favorite stories from the OR.”
37. A GARDEN GNOME
“So my other half is a student nurse (final year) and last year during one of her placements, a man comes in with half a garden gnome lodged up his butt. Apparently he was gardening and fell backwards onto it. Yeah, sure you did… but it gets better.
About half an hour later, ANOTHER man walks in with THE OTHER HALF OF THE GARDEN GNOME up his butt. The gentlemen were asked if they knew one another and they said they had no idea who the other bloke was.
The entire ward was crying with laughter about it behind closed doors.”
38. A BUTTERNUT SQUASH
“I have a few. A guy came in with a butternut squash up there BIG END FIRST. Apparently he comes in every year around the same time with something new and exciting lodged inside himself. Something to do with a big annual orgy in the region and putting exotic stuff up his butt is his party trick. Second one is even weirder. My mum is a colorectal surgeon and she tells a story about a dude who came in with abdominal pain but wouldn’t say why. They pop a camera up his bum and they’re going along and the find a god damn snake in his colon. It was dead of course. But it can’t have been dead going in.”
39. A JAR OF SMUCKER’S GRAPE JELLY
“A jar of jelly. Smucker’s grape to be exact. To this day, I do not eat that brand. My wife who is a trauma Nurse knows the story and will on occasion leave a jar in random places just to mess with me :(”
40. A PEANUT BUTTER JAR
“My wife used to work in ER. Older guy (mid-late 50’s), small peanut butter jar in the pooper. Said he fell in the tub and landed on it. Never bothered to mention why a small peanut butter jar was in the tub though. (it was vacuum sealed into his hole, not coming out on its own)”
41. A HAIRSPRAY BOTTLE
“When I was rotating in the ER during medical school, we had a guy come in with a hairspray bottle up there. He told us this story about how he met a girl in a bar and how she must have drugged him, because he woke up on his couch with the bottle up there.
We all just assumed as usual he was full of shit (in addition to hairspray) and he probably did it to himself. However, a couple weeks later, a different guy comes in with the same brand of hairspray and a nearly identical story.
TL;DR – There might be a serial hairspray can rapist on the loose in Texas.”
42. A LARGE SHOWER HEAD, INCLUDING THE METAL HOSE
“An ex-girlfriend of mine was a Radiographer and I used to ask her for stories about these kinds of things. One that stands out was this…
A 30-ish year old man had come in with severe pains in his insides, and claimed to have no idea why. After she X-rayed him, they found that a large shower head had been inserted into his ass, WITH the long metal hose still connected to it, also inside him. He had left it in there for three days before going to the ER.
What the fucking fuck.”
43. A TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE
“Not a doctorb (the B is for bargain!), but my friend is a nurse in ER and had this cracker of a story:
Dude comes in with tomato sauce bottle lodged up his ass. Insists it’s “not what it looks like”. This is his story:
Got home from the supermarket with bags of shopping. Realizes he’s locked his keys inside the house. Luckily, there’s a small window above the front door! So he sets the shopping down and attempts to climb through the window. Unfortunately, he slips, and somehow his pants maneuver their way off his butt and he lands right on top of the groceries, resulting in one sauce bottle jammed up his ass.
The excuse might have held up if it wasn’t for the condom that was covering the neck of the bottle.
It’s such a good story and I really, really hope he didn’t just steal it off the internet/his dad’s mate at the pub.”
44. A COCONUT
“Had a patient come in with a coconut up his ass. He was nothing but straight up about it. He had put it in a carrier bag, applied lubricant, inserted said bag up his ass, enjoyed sexy fun times, then tried to pull it out. The handles snapped and the coconut stayed in his ass. For three days he tried to get it out before admitting defeat. Last we heard he now requires the use of a colostomy bag because the fibers on the outside of a coconut rip the insides to ribbons.”
45. A LARGE POTATO
“Not I, but a friend of a friend told us a story about a guy that came into the ER saying he had severe constipation and pains in his butt. Well upon examination, the root cause of it all was because there was a large potato shoved in his ass. Not a small russet potato, but a four-inch fucking potato. Apparently the patient liked to shove things up his butt, and this one apparently just was too big.”
46. AN EMPTY CORONA BOTTLE
“I am not a physician, but my mother is an RN in the GI lab and she has these cases on a semi-regular basis. Here are a few that stand out.
One case, the GI lab had a man with an empty Corona bottle stuck in his rectum. People do not realize that your anus creates a suction sensation that typically lodges the foreign body deeper in the anus and in this case the bottle had been stuck for some time. He claimed that he ‘fell on it’ at a party. The worst part was that I believe the bottle broke inside his anus which led to more tears and rectal bleeding from the loose glass shards.
Another case, a man came in with an apple stuck in his anus. An apple. Like one of those roast pigs except the apple was in his anus, instead of his mouth. The RN’s and Physicians nicknamed him Adam for obvious reasons. I believe his excuse was that he ‘fell while gardening.’
My favorite case, however, was when a gentleman came in with a small propane (butane?) tank lodged in his rectum. The physicians would not perform a procedure on him at her hospital because they feared the tank would explode if not extracted properly. He had to be moved to another hospital that was better equipped to deal with such situations.”
47. AN ORNAMENTAL FROG
“My friend dates a radiographer, and whenever we went out drinking and met up with her nurse and radiographer friends I would always ask them ‘What’s the weirdest thing you’ve scanned in someone?’
The winner was an elderly couple who came in and the chap had ‘fell’ on an ornamental frog that was now up his bum.
The wife had brought along the matching frog from the set so that they’d know what they were looking for.
Whether this is 100% true, or embellished for stories in bars it creased me up and has never been beaten since.”
48. A PROSTHETIC HAND
“Amputee with his prosthetic hand in the wrong place.”
49. A HAMSTER
“The guy said the hamster got out of the cage, spilled the lube bottle over himself, then crawled up his pant leg into his asshole.”
50. A BOTTLE OF DIJON MUSTARD
“Now a resident in anesthesiology, but during my internship while in the ER I met a guy who had a bottle of Dijon in his rectum and couldn’t get it out. He was apparently not enjoying it sexually, but was on his way to the shower naked, slipped and accidentally sat down on the jar. Poor soul, so much bad luck.”