14. American Pretends To Be German
For some reason when I was a younger kid, I really really wished I was German. I do have a very German last name, but I’m really only like 5 percent German. But I would always tell people I was 100 percent German. (I would say both my grandparents on both sides were straight from Germany, so both my parents were 100% German). It didn’t really go as planned, and whenever we would learn about the nazis in history people would stare at me, and the teacher would even ask me for my insight on it. One time when German exchange students visited our middle school for a day, I was assigned to be their tour guide because they would want someone “like them”. When high school rolls around, all my friends assumed I would take German as my language class. So since I was the “german girl” I did. Hence me learning German and now constantly being asked to speak German to people to prove that I’m German. I’ve also studied German customs and culture just so people believe me. Fuck my 12 year old self for having such a weird obsession with Germany. edit: wow I wasn’t expecting this to blow up. It’s mind-blowing how many other people have made up fake races/nationalities.
15. The Lie That Protects
This is a lie with a happy ending and I’ll take it to my grave.
Background – My mother is a very emotional person and there are 5 boys in my family. So she doesn’t get to have a lot of emotional moments that she gets to share with her kids. We mostly just make fun of her (in a playful way) and everyone moves on. She has cried at every big, medium, and small event in our lives, and I love that I have a woman in my life that cares so much about me and my siblings.
Background 2 – I was an ass hole of a kid. But I am actively trying to make up for the patience my parents had for me.
Story – My parents are almost empty nesters and live in Colorado, last year by complete mistake all of her kids found jobs/school in Utah County, Utah. We all live about 20 minutes from each other, completely on a fluke. My mother decided she wanted to take up on one last road trip, so we flew in to Colorado, and she drove us back home. It doesn’t sound like too much, but my family is poor and it was a very nice gesture. Plus there are places on the way we always used to stop at, like the Little America Hotel in WY. And the Grand America brunch buffet. All of this is far too expensive for my parents so on the way I discreetly called and payed for everything, or would sneak out during a meal to “go to the bathroom” and would slip a waiter a card.
At each stop the staff would play along and mention how the room had to be changed so they gave it to us for free, or how a kind stranger payed for our meal. And I was never caught. My family’s appreciation for the amazing people of the midwest was too much for my mother and she broke down to me and told me how she had no idea how she was going to pay for our trip but she did it anyway because she wanted to be with her boys one last time before we were all too busy, or she too old. She then told me how she prayed for help and God gave it to her.
I am not religious, but my Mom is and there is no way I’m going to tell her the most spiritual experience she had had in a long time was her sneaky son.
Love you Mama.
16. The Bear Attack That Wasn’t
I have a horizontal scar on my stomach from a surgery I had when I was a baby. For some reason in elementary school I would tell everyone that it was from when a bear attacked me.
I’m now almost 30 and people I went to elementary school with still recognize me in public as that guy that got attacked by a bear.
17. The Embarrassed Liar
When I was younger I walking home at night and the street lights were off, I got scared and starting running, knocked myself clean out on a lamppost. Someone walking their dog found me and called the ambulance. I was that embarrassed when I woke up I told the nurse I was mugged (I was 12). My parents turned up at the same time as the police. I gave a description that sounded a lot like gonzo from the muppets and police were searching the area with sniffer dogs. Thank Christ nobody was arrested and I still haven’t told my parents.
18. The Lie That Came True
My brother had a girlfriend with a younger sister my age and they all came to watch me play baseball once. I was pretty smitten with the younger sister and so after the game I started bragging about how I played guitar. My brother laughed in my face and said I had got a guitar but it had been collecting dust for months and I’d never have the patience to learn an instrument anyway.
I was so embarrassed by being called out and doubted, I went home, told my mom I wanted to take lessons again, and here I am 20 years later still playing guitar every day.
19. The Lying American
I am currently studying Chinese in Beijing. My Chinese isn’t that great and listening is by far my worst skill. So I will often get asked questions that I think I understand but don’t. For instance, I was asked if you can haggle prices in America and I told the class you can. Since I am the only American in the class, nobody knows any better. All my lies are small, and completely accidental, but there are so many of them. If anybody in that class actually goes to America they are going to be in for a big surprise. And if any of them spoke English they would know I am not an 18 year old from a small town with no buses, trains, or taxis, who doesn’t know how to properly use a fork and knife.
20. Trapped By A Trick
When I was a kid, I got the bright idea to put a knotted cherry stem under my tongue, and then show my sister an untied stem and magically tie it in a knot in my mouth in seconds. Fast forward about 20 years my entire extended family thinks I have this weird ability to tie knots with my tongue… it’s a complete lie. At this point I refuse to do it, and get, almost defensive when people bring it up or ask to show it again. Pretty sure I got the idea from the Simpsons or pete & pete and now has stuck with me as a curse.
21. San Diego
When I was interviewing for a job in college when I was 21 (that might lead to something after college), one of the interviewers was the manager of the department. A real grade A-douche. I could tell right away from the interview that he was so full of himself. Well, he was just grilling me (I’m talking about like a $11 an hour job) and making sure I fit the job description. At one point he mentioned that he had just come back from San Diego. I asked him how it was, because I was there last year and it was awesome. He goes off on a tangent about it, he warmed up to me whenever I would pretty much repeat whatever he said and adding in “and the weather is just perfect.” Ended up getting the job, and for the next two years I had to pretend I had an imaginary trip to San Diego because every once in a while he’d always bring up how he wanted to go back.
I’ve never been to California.
22. Eating Poop
I used to teach outdoor education in the Rockies. We would get inner city kids from Denver out there on school field trips for three or four days, and teach them the way of the wild.
The place where I taught had elk and deer wandering all over the place, so there were piles of poo everywhere. One of the gags that my colleagues and I always pulled was to hold a Milk Dud in our palms, reach down and act like we were picking up a piece of cervine butt solid, show the Milk Dud to them and eat it.
It was all fun and games and “ewwww…” until one kid got too excited about it and actually ate a poo.
23. The Yogurt Thief
A girl I lived with two years ago thought I was stealing her yogurt out of the fridge. I told her it couldn’t have been me since I’m allergic to dairy, and now I still can’t eat dairy in front of her or anyone from that friend group. She made me a dairy free cake for my birthday – the guilt is eating me alive.
24. The Last King Of Rhodesia
This lie broke. It shattered but its a great story. My chiropractor (great bloke, not great English, fairly gullible) lived with my drinking buddy at the time and one night with my last name being Rhodes, we decided to convince him I was the last of the ruling elites of Rhodesia in exile in Australia since the rise of Zimbabwe. Even set up a blog (which got me in so, so much trouble when a racist took it over), slipped in Leo DiCaprio’s accent from blood diamond occasionally. All was going well, I’d go get my back fixed spin a yarn about a semi-made up land and laugh all the way home, this went on for months. And then my mum invited my chiropractor (lets call him Patel) to a family barbeque. First thing he said to my mum, “So how DID you get out of Rhodesia?” And a laugh went out so loud and so far, even obi fucking wan felt it. I was not the last King of Rhodesia, just a guy with a terrible sense of humor when drunk.
25. The Snake Bite
I once told people I had been bitten by a venomous snake to get out of work for a few days….I had already called in sick a ton of times and just could not face them if I did it again. I am young and in good health, there is just no way even an old frail person is ill as much as I am calling in…. so yes snake bite. They knew I kept venomous snakes and I thought “this is a great idea.”
Turns out they were fascinated and wanted to see so I had to wrap my foot up in a huge bandage and hobble around for weeks…. luckily I was moving to another job I actually didn’t hate a few weeks after that. I didn’t have to deform my own foot or actually let one of my venomous bite me so that I would not get busted…I was not far off doing so!!
26. Blaming Razali
I shat in a rock pool.
We used to go camping in an idyllic beachside location with huge tides (~10m). When I was 12-13 we went for an explore and swim in the rock pools, I was away from the group and needed to poop, so I did. My parents were of the alternative persuasion and nude a lot of the time, I thought they would be fine with the naturalness of the thing. Wrong. 10 minutes later the group circles back and notice the huge stunned mullet. I was smirking until I realized that the sounds coming from them weren’t laughter, but angry shock. Led by my father saying, “who shits in such a beautiful spot?!” Totally taken aback, I suggested the short round friend Razali. Everyone believed me and it has stuck ever since.
Even till today, almost 20 years later, the family brings up the time Razali shat in the rock pool.
27. Abducted By Aliens
My sister has told our family that she was abducted by aliens. She says that that they come and take her once every few months and perform experiments on her. My parents found her an abduction support group and she has to go to meetings once a month. This has been going on for 7 years now. She told me that she was going to tell them initially it was an April Fools Day prank but she let it slide a little too long. Now look what happened.